Today my heart is filled with gratitude. I am so thankful for all of the many blessings my family brings into my life. They have always been there for me in every conceivable way possible. It is through their actions and sacrifices that I have had the greatest example of what love is.
Regardless of my actions, they have ever been supportive and never hesitated to do without themselves just so they can help me. Every second of every day I reminded of the plethora of blessings that my family has given me. In prison, it’s the small things that can increase the quality of my life tremendously.
I feel so humbled because being in prison severely limits the amount of things I can do to serve them in return. It can be frustrating to only be able to say thank you when I wish I could serve them in many more ways. I don’t know how I will ever to repay their kindness or fully express my gratitude.
I just want my family to know that through their love and support they have softened my heart and allowed me to accept love on a level I have never before experienced. I love you all, and I will spend the rest of my life in your debt.
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
January 31, 2012
I have been learning the difference between guilt and regret. As I begin to truly understand that they are not the same, I am able to put behind me the mistakes I have made and all the negative energy I have been directing at myself. Guilt helps us feel that we don’t deserve to be happy. It is not helpful to feel guilty. It doesn’t bring any positive results, but only makes us miserable and blocks our spiritual development. Regret on the other hand, is intelligent and constructive. Regret motivates us to abandon the behavior that has caused harm to ourselves and others. It helps us realize that what we were doing was destructive.
Guilt tends to be emotional rather than rational and intelligent. We focus on things we have done wrong or things we feel we should have done but didn’t do. We feel “I’m bad and I will always be this way.” By letting go of my guilt I am able to truly complete the repentance process. I can finally stop beating myself over the mistakes I made that separated me from the ones I love.
I used to believe that in order to really repent, I had to continually feel bad about my actions and if I was ever “okay” with my mistakes, then I hadn’t really, fully repented. I pray we can all really forgive ourselves for being imperfect and give all our mistakes to the Lord.
Guilt tends to be emotional rather than rational and intelligent. We focus on things we have done wrong or things we feel we should have done but didn’t do. We feel “I’m bad and I will always be this way.” By letting go of my guilt I am able to truly complete the repentance process. I can finally stop beating myself over the mistakes I made that separated me from the ones I love.
I used to believe that in order to really repent, I had to continually feel bad about my actions and if I was ever “okay” with my mistakes, then I hadn’t really, fully repented. I pray we can all really forgive ourselves for being imperfect and give all our mistakes to the Lord.
January 28, 2012
A couple days ago I had another spiritual breakthrough. It occurred during my evening prayer. It dawned on me in the middle of my prayer. I realized that for the longest time my prayers had consisted of me talking to God, but doing no listening, whatsoever. I would give my thanks, repent of my sins, pray for my needs and the needs of others. Then I would end the prayer and go to sleep. I was kind of shocked that I had neglected this most crucial ingredient of prayer. I only listened for an answer when I had a major, critical decision that I knew I could not make without His input. Of course, the answers always came for these serious matters.
I realized that my daily prayers had become automatic. I quickly repented and opened my mind and heart to the Lord. I approached Him with questions about the things I was dealing with daily. They were things that I had previously considered small and frivolous and not worth my Heavenly Father’s time. It was almost as if I thought that I had a limited amount of personal revelation and I wanted to save it for the major decisions.
I realize now that nothing is too small for God to answer. We have unlimited personal revelation! He wants us to take advantage of the line of communication that prayer opens for us. I am grateful for prayer and the love my Father in Heaven has for me. I am grateful that He cares for me enough to respond to the seemingly insignificant things.
I realized that my daily prayers had become automatic. I quickly repented and opened my mind and heart to the Lord. I approached Him with questions about the things I was dealing with daily. They were things that I had previously considered small and frivolous and not worth my Heavenly Father’s time. It was almost as if I thought that I had a limited amount of personal revelation and I wanted to save it for the major decisions.
I realize now that nothing is too small for God to answer. We have unlimited personal revelation! He wants us to take advantage of the line of communication that prayer opens for us. I am grateful for prayer and the love my Father in Heaven has for me. I am grateful that He cares for me enough to respond to the seemingly insignificant things.
January 21, 2012
The past several days have been amazing. It has been a while since I have updated my blog. So much has happened!
This past weekend, my mom and one of my sisters came to visit me. It was so wonderful being able to talk with them and bask in their wonderful spirits. I love them so much and I can scarcely believe they that they care about me so deeply. I will go into the visit in more detail in my next entry. I wanted to share a spiritual revelation that I have had recently.
The past couple of months I have been struggling with guilt. I had trouble dealing with all the heartache my actions have caused others. I had repented of my actions, but I could not figure out how I could ever stop feeling bad about the pain I have caused. The day before my visit, I had an epiphany and I have my step-dad to thank for it.
When he joined the church, he quit smoking and coffee cold turkey. He has never turned back. Recently he has been told by his bishop that he was truly an example of all a latter-day saint should be. He is still a little rough around the edges, but that didn’t matter. He had stopped what he knew was wrong and pressed forward continually from that point.
As I was thinking about this, I asked myself, “What is repentance?” Isn’t it just completely stopping the sinful behavior and forsaking it? I realized that I had done that. I knew that I didn’t need to feel quilt anymore for the things I had repented of, but I didn’t really know why. I will always have the regret, but I need not carry the guilt.
Today I came to understand the difference between godly sorrow and worldly sorrow. They teach that you must first feel bad about your sins before you can repent of them. What is critical is WHY you feel bad. It is not the action itself that is the sin. A person that grows up being taught no moral laws will think that murder is perfectly just and acceptable. If he has no moral boundaries, he cannot be held responsible for those murders. We have to first be given the rules before we can be penalized for breaking them.
Sorrow needs to come because I realized that I disobeyed my Heavenly Father. My actions were part of the suffering Jesus Christ endured. The action itself does not make it a sin. It is God’s commanding me NOT to do that action that makes it a sin. Committing the action is not the sin, violating a commandment of God IS a sin.
Understanding where my accountability truly lies expands my relationship with God. It is to Him that I must answer, not the people my sins have affected. There is the command of restitution for that part. So – when they speak of feeling “Godly sorrow,” my pain and sorrow must be from violating my relationship with God, the power of the Atonement to change my heart.
I hope this makes sense. I know that this understand has freed me in so many ways. I can now let go of all the self-condemnation and guilt. That debt had been paid in full by my Savior. I can justify being happy and building up my self-worth. I know I am clean before God and I can leave my past in my Savior’s hands. I now know true freedom.
I feel like I have been blessed with tons of spiritual momentum since my visit last week. I feel renewed, recharged and full of hope and excitement for the future. It feels like a huge weight has been lifted from my heart. Of course, I still have the same constant challenges that occur daily in prison, but it seems like the good far out-weighs the bad
A new thing I have started is similar to Operation Exaltation. I’m calling this “Habits for Success.” This is only the third day and I can already feel a difference. One new habit I am cultivating is meditating 30 minutes a day on my Savior. This has brought a serene peace into my day. It has also produced some amazing insights for me on the Atonement.
I would definitely recommend anyone and everyone to try this at least once. Since I am ADHD, I believe that creating a habit of meditation could produce tremendous results. Controlled breathing is the key.
January 19, 2012
The past several days have been amazing. It has been a while since I have updated my blog. So much has happened!
This past weekend, my mom and one of my sisters came to visit me. It was so wonderful being able to talk with them and bask in their wonderful spirits. I love them so much and I can scarcely believe they that they care about me so deeply. I will go into the visit in more detail in my next entry. I wanted to share a spiritual revelation that I have had recently.
The past couple of months I have been struggling with guilt. I had trouble dealing with all the heartache my actions have caused others. I had repented of my actions, but I could not figure out how I could ever stop feeling bad about the pain I have caused. The day before my visit, I had an epiphany and I have my step-dad to thank for it.
When he joined the church, he quit smoking and coffee cold turkey. He has never turned back. Recently he has been told by his bishop that he was truly an example of all a latter-day saint should be. He is still a little rough around the edges, but that didn’t matter. He had stopped what he knew was wrong and pressed forward continually from that point.
As I was thinking about this, I asked myself, “What is repentance?” Isn’t it just completely stopping the sinful behavior and forsaking it? I realized that I had done that. I knew that I didn’t need to feel quilt anymore for the things I had repented of, but I didn’t really know why. I will always have the regret, but I need not carry the guilt.
Today I came to understand the difference between godly sorrow and worldly sorrow. They teach that you must first feel bad about your sins before you can repent of them. What is critical is WHY you feel bad. It is not the action itself that is the sin. A person that grows up being taught no moral laws will think that murder is perfectly just and acceptable. If he has no moral boundaries, he cannot be held responsible for those murders. We have to first be given the rules before we can be penalized for breaking them.
Sorrow needs to come because I realized that I disobeyed my Heavenly Father. My actions were part of the suffering Jesus Christ endured. The action itself does not make it a sin. It is God’s commanding me NOT to do that action that makes it a sin. Committing the action is not the sin, violating a commandment of God IS a sin.
Understanding where my accountability truly lies expands my relationship with God. It is to Him that I must answer, not the people my sins have affected. There is the command of restitution for that part. So – when they speak of feeling “Godly sorrow,” my pain and sorrow must be from violating my relationship with God, the power of the Atonement to change my heart.
I hope this makes sense. I know that this understand has freed me in so many ways. I can now let go of all the self-condemnation and guilt. That debt had been paid in full by my Savior. I can justify being happy and building up my self-worth. I know I am clean before God and I can leave my past in my Savior’s hands. I now know true freedom.
Saturday, January 7, 2012
Jan. 3, 2012
Today has been a very enlightening day for me. It is sometimes difficult to share what happens in my everyday life because there is so much that happens that I don't write about. So many small things that eventually add up to mean a great deal to me. Yet, without explaining every detail, the events won't have as big of an impact on the reader as they have had on me. Regardless of this, I will do my best to explain why today was so enlightening to me.
There is this guy in my pod who is very vocal about religion. I would almost brand him an anti-Mormon, but not quite. I have mentioned several of my conversations with him in this journal. He is the one to whom I gave a Book of Mormon. I challenged him to read it at the end of of one his "attacks" on the church. Today he brought a book to my attention that he had on cults. One of the cults that the author went into ( in great detail) was the "Mormon" church or "Mormonism."
He shared with me that he had stopped reading the Book of Mormon after the first two books because he felt the core basic beliefs could not be backed up by the Old Testament. For anyone who knows me well, knows I do NOT run from gospel discussion. I will fight valiantly for the truth. I can be very persuasive with logical arguments. I did not go into attack mode right away, although my mind DID balk at his reason for quitting.
He said that he also stopped reading because there is no architectural evidence of the civilizations in the Book of Mormon. Then he told me that this book on cults goes into such great detail that he could not explain it as well as the author did. He asked me to read it. At first I said no, but he asked me again with an imploring look. I could tell that this was important to him. I had asked him to read the Book of Mormon, so it would only be fair if I read his book.
As I write this, I can imagine some cringing in terror. I can hear you shouting, "Don't read anti-Mormon literature!!" "It will poison your mind!" "Beware!!"
I want to assure you all that I am absolutely, positively, 100% converted to my Savior. I have had the personal witness of the Holy Ghost that:
1. The Book of Mormon is true
2. That Joseph Smith is a prophet of God
3. That Jesus Christ is the Savior, the Son of God and that He is my Redeemer
It would not be humanly possible for me to deny any of these three truths. I just couldn't do it. If someone put a gun to my head, and I was told that if I denied any of those three things, I could live; I would tell them they would have to pull the trigger. I know that is an extreme example, but having had that witness by the Holy Ghost, it is undeniable to me. Of all the uncertainties in life, those are the ONLY three things I know are absolutely, without a shadow of a doubt, true.
So back to the cult book... I read the beginning and noticed some false information, right away. I could also tell that the author was extremely biased against the Latter-Day Saints. It was very pretentious, but also filled with a lot of interesting facts. Pretty soon, I was just scanning it because it was so blatantly biased against my faith. There were many sections that went into great detail as to why the Book of Mormon was false. They listed the scientific reasons and other various reasons that had been disproved since the time that this book had been published in 2003.
When I was done, I returned the book with my battle plan laid out in my mind. I proceeded to shut down every argument he had. An example:
He said that if it wasn't mentioned in the Old Testament, then it couldn't be trusted. (He said Joseph Smith wasn't mentioned in the Old Testament, therefore he was false.) I then responded that if that were true, then he would have to throw out the New Testament. the Apostles who wrote it are not mentioned any where in the Old Testament. He said that Jesus gave authority to the apostles' words. I asked him if Jesus wrote any of the books in the New Testament.
This went on and on with every point you can imagine: The definition of a cult, the "unity" of Christians, requirements for salvation, etc. When I would logically defeat his argument, he would change subjects. after a while, I could tell it was going no where and decided to do the only thing I had left. I bore my testimony of the Savior to this man. I expressed the joy I feel in my soul in knowing that He has saved me from myself. I shared my deep love of god and my testimony that He loves us more than we can imagine.
After I had borne my testimony to this man, he told me that he hoped that was true as well. I thought "hoped"??? What the.... I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I told him that after a witness of the Spirit that something is true, it is almost impossible to deny it. You just KNOW, without a doubt, that it IS true. He said that he prays, prays and prays - every day - that Jesus really did what the New Testament says He did.
I was absolutely shocked. Dumbfounded. He was so passionate about what he believed was not true, yet he doesn't even know if what be believes - is true. He is 100% convinced that the LDS is of the Devil, yet he doesn't know if Jesus is his Savior.... After I expressed my dismay, he said, "Come on, you can't tell me that sometimes you don't doubt, even just a fraction, just for a second..." I replied, "I have never doubted since God gave me the witness I prayed for, not even for a second."
I never realized how in the dark most people are. They don't know the true Spirit of the Lord. The Holy Ghost is a mystery to them. I am so GRATEFUL. I have been SO blessed with a believing heart. I don't have to pray to believe. I have to pray that I obey!! I guess that's probably a lot worse!
There is this guy in my pod who is very vocal about religion. I would almost brand him an anti-Mormon, but not quite. I have mentioned several of my conversations with him in this journal. He is the one to whom I gave a Book of Mormon. I challenged him to read it at the end of of one his "attacks" on the church. Today he brought a book to my attention that he had on cults. One of the cults that the author went into ( in great detail) was the "Mormon" church or "Mormonism."
He shared with me that he had stopped reading the Book of Mormon after the first two books because he felt the core basic beliefs could not be backed up by the Old Testament. For anyone who knows me well, knows I do NOT run from gospel discussion. I will fight valiantly for the truth. I can be very persuasive with logical arguments. I did not go into attack mode right away, although my mind DID balk at his reason for quitting.
He said that he also stopped reading because there is no architectural evidence of the civilizations in the Book of Mormon. Then he told me that this book on cults goes into such great detail that he could not explain it as well as the author did. He asked me to read it. At first I said no, but he asked me again with an imploring look. I could tell that this was important to him. I had asked him to read the Book of Mormon, so it would only be fair if I read his book.
As I write this, I can imagine some cringing in terror. I can hear you shouting, "Don't read anti-Mormon literature!!" "It will poison your mind!" "Beware!!"
I want to assure you all that I am absolutely, positively, 100% converted to my Savior. I have had the personal witness of the Holy Ghost that:
1. The Book of Mormon is true
2. That Joseph Smith is a prophet of God
3. That Jesus Christ is the Savior, the Son of God and that He is my Redeemer
It would not be humanly possible for me to deny any of these three truths. I just couldn't do it. If someone put a gun to my head, and I was told that if I denied any of those three things, I could live; I would tell them they would have to pull the trigger. I know that is an extreme example, but having had that witness by the Holy Ghost, it is undeniable to me. Of all the uncertainties in life, those are the ONLY three things I know are absolutely, without a shadow of a doubt, true.
So back to the cult book... I read the beginning and noticed some false information, right away. I could also tell that the author was extremely biased against the Latter-Day Saints. It was very pretentious, but also filled with a lot of interesting facts. Pretty soon, I was just scanning it because it was so blatantly biased against my faith. There were many sections that went into great detail as to why the Book of Mormon was false. They listed the scientific reasons and other various reasons that had been disproved since the time that this book had been published in 2003.
When I was done, I returned the book with my battle plan laid out in my mind. I proceeded to shut down every argument he had. An example:
He said that if it wasn't mentioned in the Old Testament, then it couldn't be trusted. (He said Joseph Smith wasn't mentioned in the Old Testament, therefore he was false.) I then responded that if that were true, then he would have to throw out the New Testament. the Apostles who wrote it are not mentioned any where in the Old Testament. He said that Jesus gave authority to the apostles' words. I asked him if Jesus wrote any of the books in the New Testament.
This went on and on with every point you can imagine: The definition of a cult, the "unity" of Christians, requirements for salvation, etc. When I would logically defeat his argument, he would change subjects. after a while, I could tell it was going no where and decided to do the only thing I had left. I bore my testimony of the Savior to this man. I expressed the joy I feel in my soul in knowing that He has saved me from myself. I shared my deep love of god and my testimony that He loves us more than we can imagine.
After I had borne my testimony to this man, he told me that he hoped that was true as well. I thought "hoped"??? What the.... I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I told him that after a witness of the Spirit that something is true, it is almost impossible to deny it. You just KNOW, without a doubt, that it IS true. He said that he prays, prays and prays - every day - that Jesus really did what the New Testament says He did.
I was absolutely shocked. Dumbfounded. He was so passionate about what he believed was not true, yet he doesn't even know if what be believes - is true. He is 100% convinced that the LDS is of the Devil, yet he doesn't know if Jesus is his Savior.... After I expressed my dismay, he said, "Come on, you can't tell me that sometimes you don't doubt, even just a fraction, just for a second..." I replied, "I have never doubted since God gave me the witness I prayed for, not even for a second."
I never realized how in the dark most people are. They don't know the true Spirit of the Lord. The Holy Ghost is a mystery to them. I am so GRATEFUL. I have been SO blessed with a believing heart. I don't have to pray to believe. I have to pray that I obey!! I guess that's probably a lot worse!
New Years Day, 2012
It's a new year and that always draws my thoughts to the kind of changes I would like to see take place in my life. New Year's resolutions often seem so wonderful and grand when I first make them. then time passes and life gets in the way and it completely overshadows them to the point that they disappear.
I don't know why, but I know that 2012 is a very special yer. I want to live my live each day as if this were going to be my last year alive. I feel a dramatic sense of urgency to be prepared to meet my Savior. I can't seem to be able to stop thinking about how critical this year is going to be for me in many different ways.
I have been in prison for over a year. It is tough and challenging, but I have grown immensely and I am truly grateful for this "time-out." I still feel that I can be doing more, that I could have worked harder and done more.
I have to keep reminding myself that my Heavenly Father doesn't care about what I perceive my results are as much as He cares about my efforts. All He wants from me is to try with all my heart, might, mind and strength. I know I can do that, even if I doubt what good it would do.
I have promised myself to re-engage myself in the quest to becoming "Spiritually Centered." I know this is the key for me and no matter what happens, I am going to invest myself 100% That is my #1 resolution...become spiritually centered. I know that the true success of all my other resolutions depend on this one.
I ask for all of your prayers and you will have mine. I pray that this year we will all place a greater emphasis on keeping ourselves spiritually centered, so that we might be able to hear the whispering of the Spirit clearly and consistently.
If we can hear, we can obey.
I don't know why, but I know that 2012 is a very special yer. I want to live my live each day as if this were going to be my last year alive. I feel a dramatic sense of urgency to be prepared to meet my Savior. I can't seem to be able to stop thinking about how critical this year is going to be for me in many different ways.
I have been in prison for over a year. It is tough and challenging, but I have grown immensely and I am truly grateful for this "time-out." I still feel that I can be doing more, that I could have worked harder and done more.
I have to keep reminding myself that my Heavenly Father doesn't care about what I perceive my results are as much as He cares about my efforts. All He wants from me is to try with all my heart, might, mind and strength. I know I can do that, even if I doubt what good it would do.
I have promised myself to re-engage myself in the quest to becoming "Spiritually Centered." I know this is the key for me and no matter what happens, I am going to invest myself 100% That is my #1 resolution...become spiritually centered. I know that the true success of all my other resolutions depend on this one.
I ask for all of your prayers and you will have mine. I pray that this year we will all place a greater emphasis on keeping ourselves spiritually centered, so that we might be able to hear the whispering of the Spirit clearly and consistently.
If we can hear, we can obey.
Christmas Day, 2011
Today is Christmas day. My heart is fully drawn out to my Savior, Jesus Christ. this is the day we celebrate His birth and also express our love and appreciation for our family members and loved ones.
I want to take this time to express my love for the two most important people in my life: my son and my mother.
Mom, I know I wasn't able to tell you today that I wish you a Merry Christmas. I was unable to tell you how much I love you and miss you. But, I trust that you DO know that I love you so much. You are an angel in my life, and it always pains me to know that my being in prison causes you so much pain. If I had the world, I would give it to you and it still would not be enough to be deserving of you. Every single thing about you is an example to me. I cherish every smile I see on your face and it is my sole wish that you would smile always.
I want you to know that I have found happiness in here. Please know that I have found joy in my Savior. He holds me up and keeps me from drowning in my sorrows. Every single day I am striving to learn more of Him, to be more like Him, to learn more about myself and how I can make sure I never fall from His grace again.
Because of my daily efforts, He has blessed me with the supreme gift, the Holy Ghost. He is my constant companion, and a constant source of wisdom revelation, inspiration, and non-stop comfort and joy. Rejoice, Mom because I am going to be there, beyond the veil, dressed in white. We are an eternal family and we are going to have eternity to bask in each other's company. Today is but a moment. We weep now, but we will cheer in the end. I will never be lost to you again because our Heavenly Father loves us so much. He knows how much we need each other. He knows that this is what I needed to go through. I still have a long way to go, but I am confident that by the time I am released I will have a solid house built on the concrete foundation of Christ.
Briggs, my beautiful son. Oh, how I miss you! My life would not be complete without you in it. You are only 3, but I know that one day these words will reach you. I pray that you will have a testimony of how deeply your earthly father and your Heavenly father love you.
You are always on my mind and close to my heart. I long for the day that I con hold you again and tell you how much I have missed you. I will always be there for you. I will devote my life to you, son. I believe that you deserve more than I can possibly give you. My life is but a small payment in the debt I owe to you.
Trust in God, son. He has saved you for a very special mission. I am going to be there to help you achieve it. That is my mission in life. Please forgive me for choosing myself over you and getting myself locked up for the first ten ears of your life.
I hope you had a wonderful Christmas. My thought and prayers are always with you.
I want to take this time to express my love for the two most important people in my life: my son and my mother.
Mom, I know I wasn't able to tell you today that I wish you a Merry Christmas. I was unable to tell you how much I love you and miss you. But, I trust that you DO know that I love you so much. You are an angel in my life, and it always pains me to know that my being in prison causes you so much pain. If I had the world, I would give it to you and it still would not be enough to be deserving of you. Every single thing about you is an example to me. I cherish every smile I see on your face and it is my sole wish that you would smile always.
I want you to know that I have found happiness in here. Please know that I have found joy in my Savior. He holds me up and keeps me from drowning in my sorrows. Every single day I am striving to learn more of Him, to be more like Him, to learn more about myself and how I can make sure I never fall from His grace again.
Because of my daily efforts, He has blessed me with the supreme gift, the Holy Ghost. He is my constant companion, and a constant source of wisdom revelation, inspiration, and non-stop comfort and joy. Rejoice, Mom because I am going to be there, beyond the veil, dressed in white. We are an eternal family and we are going to have eternity to bask in each other's company. Today is but a moment. We weep now, but we will cheer in the end. I will never be lost to you again because our Heavenly Father loves us so much. He knows how much we need each other. He knows that this is what I needed to go through. I still have a long way to go, but I am confident that by the time I am released I will have a solid house built on the concrete foundation of Christ.
Briggs, my beautiful son. Oh, how I miss you! My life would not be complete without you in it. You are only 3, but I know that one day these words will reach you. I pray that you will have a testimony of how deeply your earthly father and your Heavenly father love you.
You are always on my mind and close to my heart. I long for the day that I con hold you again and tell you how much I have missed you. I will always be there for you. I will devote my life to you, son. I believe that you deserve more than I can possibly give you. My life is but a small payment in the debt I owe to you.
Trust in God, son. He has saved you for a very special mission. I am going to be there to help you achieve it. That is my mission in life. Please forgive me for choosing myself over you and getting myself locked up for the first ten ears of your life.
I hope you had a wonderful Christmas. My thought and prayers are always with you.
12-21-2011
"Time is two days, one safe and one of peril
And our lives are two halves, one fair, one overcast
Say to those who reproach us for what Time has done:
'Does Time oppose any but great men?'
Do you don see that when the storm winds blow
It is the tall trees that they strike?
Corpses rise to the surface of the sea,
While it is in the depths that pearls lie hid.
It may be that time mishandles us,
Subjecting us to to constant harm.
Though in the heavens thee are countless stars,
Only the sun and the moon suffer eclipse.
There are both green and dry boughs on the earth,
But we throw stones only at those with fruit.
You think well of the days when they are fire,
So do not fear the evil that fate brings."
Arabian Nights
"Time is two days, one safe and one of peril
And our lives are two halves, one fair, one overcast
Say to those who reproach us for what Time has done:
'Does Time oppose any but great men?'
Do you don see that when the storm winds blow
It is the tall trees that they strike?
Corpses rise to the surface of the sea,
While it is in the depths that pearls lie hid.
It may be that time mishandles us,
Subjecting us to to constant harm.
Though in the heavens thee are countless stars,
Only the sun and the moon suffer eclipse.
There are both green and dry boughs on the earth,
But we throw stones only at those with fruit.
You think well of the days when they are fire,
So do not fear the evil that fate brings."
Arabian Nights
Friday, December 16, 2011
What Gets Me Through Anything
10-18-2011
It has been a long time since my last journal entry. Much has happened. My mother came to visit me almost exactly a month ago. She was able to speed three awesome 8-hour days with me. I had a wonderful time. It almost seemed like normal.
After the visit was over, I spent a week locked down because the prison decided to do their quarterly search of the whole facility. I was unable to work out and that added to the decline in my motivational levels. I seemed to crash and burn for a few weeks. Now I am really starting to get back into my routine.
I am grateful that through it all I was able to remain consistent in my scripture studies. It has provided me light and the strength I was looking for to keep pushing forward. No matter what, never let go of the rod. Even if everything else is falling apart, if you can just hold onto that one thing, you will always reach the light at the end of the tunnel.
It has been a long time since my last journal entry. Much has happened. My mother came to visit me almost exactly a month ago. She was able to speed three awesome 8-hour days with me. I had a wonderful time. It almost seemed like normal.
After the visit was over, I spent a week locked down because the prison decided to do their quarterly search of the whole facility. I was unable to work out and that added to the decline in my motivational levels. I seemed to crash and burn for a few weeks. Now I am really starting to get back into my routine.
I am grateful that through it all I was able to remain consistent in my scripture studies. It has provided me light and the strength I was looking for to keep pushing forward. No matter what, never let go of the rod. Even if everything else is falling apart, if you can just hold onto that one thing, you will always reach the light at the end of the tunnel.
Poem: The Battle
Why do we cry at night
When we close our eyes tight?
Racing thoughts seem to cross our minds
And we never quite know what it finds.
Hidden things jump out and make you yell...
"Help! Help! What IS this thing?!
I don't like the despair you bring!
Be gone at once from this place!"
You scream into the changing face.
You plant your foot and straighten your back.
It's certainly not courage that you lack.
Surely the darkness must take flight
When it's faced with all your might.
Stalking forward, with a glare in your eye,
You're amazed that the darkness doesn't die.
It swells and grows into twisted shapes,
Great black eyes, like bottomless lakes.
It lears at you and begins to grin,
the dark words pierce you from deep within...
"Pride is the trap, and I have you caught!
I only grew stronger the more you fought."
It's words are darts laced with fire,
"Now you're mine, to do with as I desire!"
With a great leap, the end rushes near.
It's so close, you can smell the fear.
Your powerful arm is rent in two,
Limbs turn asunder, nothing you can do.
Broken, beaten, laid to waste...
Blood and bile is all you can taste.
With your last breath, you whisper a name,
through broken teeth and a mountain of shame.
"Jesus! Jesus!" is your desperate request,
Uttered from within your heaving chest.
You wipe your eyes and toss and turn,
Hoping that someday you might learn.
that one day the thoughts will cease
And your mind will become a bountious feast.
To be pure and true, never afraid to do,
To be reborn, remade into a whole new you...
Is such a thing beyond your reach?
Are you the exception? The one He can't reach?
You can't force your way through this one;
Only obedience knees can get it done.
Blindfold your eyes so you can't see.
You must follow the Spirit to be set free.
Don't be surprised if you still cry at night,
While on your knees, holding scriptures tight.
Racing thoughts still cross your mind.
This time you know what they will find...
Beams of light! That shatter the night!
A vision opens up, such a glorious sight!
You see your Savior abolish the beast,
Then He gives you His love - and you begin to feast!
It's a never ending supply that He offers you,
So never give up! Be Strong! Be true!
Because, for you, there is nothing He won't do.
When we close our eyes tight?
Racing thoughts seem to cross our minds
And we never quite know what it finds.
Hidden things jump out and make you yell...
"Help! Help! What IS this thing?!
I don't like the despair you bring!
Be gone at once from this place!"
You scream into the changing face.
You plant your foot and straighten your back.
It's certainly not courage that you lack.
Surely the darkness must take flight
When it's faced with all your might.
Stalking forward, with a glare in your eye,
You're amazed that the darkness doesn't die.
It swells and grows into twisted shapes,
Great black eyes, like bottomless lakes.
It lears at you and begins to grin,
the dark words pierce you from deep within...
"Pride is the trap, and I have you caught!
I only grew stronger the more you fought."
It's words are darts laced with fire,
"Now you're mine, to do with as I desire!"
With a great leap, the end rushes near.
It's so close, you can smell the fear.
Your powerful arm is rent in two,
Limbs turn asunder, nothing you can do.
Broken, beaten, laid to waste...
Blood and bile is all you can taste.
With your last breath, you whisper a name,
through broken teeth and a mountain of shame.
"Jesus! Jesus!" is your desperate request,
Uttered from within your heaving chest.
You wipe your eyes and toss and turn,
Hoping that someday you might learn.
that one day the thoughts will cease
And your mind will become a bountious feast.
To be pure and true, never afraid to do,
To be reborn, remade into a whole new you...
Is such a thing beyond your reach?
Are you the exception? The one He can't reach?
You can't force your way through this one;
Only obedience knees can get it done.
Blindfold your eyes so you can't see.
You must follow the Spirit to be set free.
Don't be surprised if you still cry at night,
While on your knees, holding scriptures tight.
Racing thoughts still cross your mind.
This time you know what they will find...
Beams of light! That shatter the night!
A vision opens up, such a glorious sight!
You see your Savior abolish the beast,
Then He gives you His love - and you begin to feast!
It's a never ending supply that He offers you,
So never give up! Be Strong! Be true!
Because, for you, there is nothing He won't do.
Poem: Enduring
We must be implicitly thankful in all things
Regardless of the trials this life brings.
We must be strong and stout
So our seeds of faith may sprout.
We must follow His ways and do as we're told,
Then we will always be apart of His fold.
We must not faint as we seek His face;
Only then will we qualify for His Grace.
We must forgive, seventy times seven
So we may be able to enter heaven.
We must never forget what was done.
For US, God gave up His Beloved Son.
Regardless of the trials this life brings.
We must be strong and stout
So our seeds of faith may sprout.
We must follow His ways and do as we're told,
Then we will always be apart of His fold.
We must not faint as we seek His face;
Only then will we qualify for His Grace.
We must forgive, seventy times seven
So we may be able to enter heaven.
We must never forget what was done.
For US, God gave up His Beloved Son.
Chastity
8-25-11
The past two weeks have been really good to me. I am growing stronger in faith every day and, with that, the Lord is blessing me more and more.
I am really starting to realize that after a life of so much sin, it is going to take time to pull up my roots out of the darkness. The biggest breakthrough I have made is regarding chastity. I am learning what it means to "cherish" chastity.
The more I have opened my heart to God, and decided to truly follow His commandments the best I can, the more He is enabling me to plant the virtuous seeds of His gospel. It is a great feeling to realize that I am truly making spiritual progress in an area I never have be able to before. I am excited to see what the future weeks bring.
The past two weeks have been really good to me. I am growing stronger in faith every day and, with that, the Lord is blessing me more and more.
I am really starting to realize that after a life of so much sin, it is going to take time to pull up my roots out of the darkness. The biggest breakthrough I have made is regarding chastity. I am learning what it means to "cherish" chastity.
The more I have opened my heart to God, and decided to truly follow His commandments the best I can, the more He is enabling me to plant the virtuous seeds of His gospel. It is a great feeling to realize that I am truly making spiritual progress in an area I never have be able to before. I am excited to see what the future weeks bring.
Several Thoughts
August 15, 2011
This week is starting out great. Even though it is supposed to reach 110 degrees all through the week, I am looking forward to exercising. Unfortunately, the last couple of days I have been on a sugar binge. It all started off with one soda and took off from there.
It has really reminded me of what an addictive personality I have and how important and powerful that can be if directed to things of a spiritual nature.
The more I really focus on doing 30 minutes of scripture study first thing in the morning, the more I can feel an increase of His Spirit. The more I feel His Spirit, the happier I am. When I see the fruits from reading the scriptures, the more want to read! It's a "vicious" cycle. Lol!
On thing that has really been on my mind lately is the Second Coming of our Savior and Redeemer, Jesus Christ. I am so excited for the Millennium. I just pray I am found worthy to learn from the Master for 1000 years on Earth.
Let's all put forth our best efforts to help prepare the way for Him so we won't have to wait much longer.
This week is starting out great. Even though it is supposed to reach 110 degrees all through the week, I am looking forward to exercising. Unfortunately, the last couple of days I have been on a sugar binge. It all started off with one soda and took off from there.
It has really reminded me of what an addictive personality I have and how important and powerful that can be if directed to things of a spiritual nature.
The more I really focus on doing 30 minutes of scripture study first thing in the morning, the more I can feel an increase of His Spirit. The more I feel His Spirit, the happier I am. When I see the fruits from reading the scriptures, the more want to read! It's a "vicious" cycle. Lol!
On thing that has really been on my mind lately is the Second Coming of our Savior and Redeemer, Jesus Christ. I am so excited for the Millennium. I just pray I am found worthy to learn from the Master for 1000 years on Earth.
Let's all put forth our best efforts to help prepare the way for Him so we won't have to wait much longer.
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Apology.
This is Matt's mom. I have had several things happening and have neglected Matt's postings. I am sorry for the gap between the time they were written and when I am getting them posted. I will try to keep them in chronological order. Matt would welcome comments or mail letting him know what you think of his blogging.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Scripture Power
8-15-2011
This week is starting out great. Even though it is supposed to be 110 degrees all through the week, I am still looking forward to exercising.
Unfortunately, the last couple of days I have been on a sugar binge. It all started with one soda and it took off from there. It has really reminded me how much of an addictive personality I have and how important that can be if directed to things of a spiritual nature. The more I really focus on doing 30 minutes of scripture study in the morning, the more I can feel an increase of His spirit. The more I feel His spirit, the happier I am when I see the fruits from reading the scriptures. The more I see the fruits, the more I want to read! It's a vicious cycle (smiley face) - in a GOOD way!!
One thing that has been on my mind lately is the second coming of our Savior and Redeemer, Jesus Christ. I am so excited for the millennium. I just pray I am found worthy to learn from the Master for a thousand years on Earth. Let us all put forth our best efforts to help prepare the way for Him, so we won't have to wait much longer.
This week is starting out great. Even though it is supposed to be 110 degrees all through the week, I am still looking forward to exercising.
Unfortunately, the last couple of days I have been on a sugar binge. It all started with one soda and it took off from there. It has really reminded me how much of an addictive personality I have and how important that can be if directed to things of a spiritual nature. The more I really focus on doing 30 minutes of scripture study in the morning, the more I can feel an increase of His spirit. The more I feel His spirit, the happier I am when I see the fruits from reading the scriptures. The more I see the fruits, the more I want to read! It's a vicious cycle (smiley face) - in a GOOD way!!
One thing that has been on my mind lately is the second coming of our Savior and Redeemer, Jesus Christ. I am so excited for the millennium. I just pray I am found worthy to learn from the Master for a thousand years on Earth. Let us all put forth our best efforts to help prepare the way for Him, so we won't have to wait much longer.
Never Forget (Poem)
We must be implicitly thankful in all things,
Regardless of the trials this life brings.
We must be strong and stout,
So our seeds of faith will sprout.
We must follow his ways and do as we're told
And we will always be a part of His fold.
We must not faint as we seek His face,
Only then will we qualify for His grace.
We must forgive seventy times seven,
So we may be able to enter heaven.
We must never forget what was done;
For us, God gave up His Beloved Son.
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