Exercise and Development

August 2, 2011

Today has been a very good day!  Working out in 105 degree weather DOES have its perks; You sure do feel like you have accomplished something afterwards!

I found out that I have lost eight pounds since the last time I was weighed, which was a couple of months ago.  I now weigh 200 pounds.  that is still the lost i have ever weighed.  I usually stay around 185-190 when I am in a muscle-building mode.  Since I am 6"1", that is a perfect weight for me, in my opinion.

When I was first arrested I was definitely NOT used to so much down time, when it comes to my physical activity level.  That, combined with the high-calorie food they feed us, resulted in a massive weight gain.  The most I weighed in here was 215!

I can't begin to express how many different benefits come from regular and consistent daily exercise.  Especially if you are ADHD!  Exercise is absolutely critical.  I am so grateful that the Lord has blessed me with the body I have.  It is one of my most important stewartships.  When you put forth the effort to make sure your temple stays healthy, the Lord pours blessings out to you.

We had a new guy start working out with us.  Today was his second day.  You could tell he was really struggling and that it was extremely difficult for him, but he pushed through the workout!  It's funny because looking back, we all have to go through those first painful weeks when we first start daily, consistent exercise.

Now that my body is conditioned to the exertion, I find myself enjoying the same workout that I first so dreaded!  I believe most things in life are this way.  I pray that we will all have the faith to push through the pain that comes when we first start pushing our limits.

Books You Must Read

July 27, 2011

I believe I have found my absolute favorite series of books!  I am in love with Gerald N. Lund's The Work and the Glory.  What an amazing work on the history of the restored church.

I am learning so much about the early days of the church.  I'm realizing that I knew practically nothing about all the details of the restoration during the first twenty years of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Everyday I read it, I find my eyes tearing up a bit because the Spirit touches me so deeply.  I quickly cover my face and wipe the tears away.  Reading all the events that took place in those early days has also really strengthened my testimony of the Doctrine and Covenants.  Understanding all the events involved at the time those revelations were given really helps me to put it all into perspective.

Gerald Lund is nothing but inspired.  Before this series I also read a couple of his other books.  His #1 seller, and the #1 selling LDS series of all time,  is The Kingdom and the Crown.  He takes you back to the Savior's lifetime in Jerusalem and immerses you in those times.

These two series are a MUST read, if you are a Latter-Day Saint.  they will expand your understanding and strengthen your testimony.  He has written two other equally amazing and inspired books, The Fire and the Covenant and Undaunted.  They are both based on the early LDS pioneers.

I hope everyone will take the time to read these books.  They have a powerful spirit and a powerful message, of which I believe everyone should partake.

Sleepless in the Heat

July 23, 2011

It's been a long time since my last journal entry.  Much has happened and I am going to give my updates over the next couple entries. 

The last couple weeks signaled the arrival of summer.  That brought 115-118 degree weather, along with high humidity.  When the heat first arrived, it turned the dorm where I live into a sauna.  Nighttime did nothing to alleviate the sweltering heat and humidity. 

The worst side effect I suffered from the change in the climate was my inability to sleep at night.  For almost a month, it was impossible for me to sleep after the sun set.  Even when the weather cooled down a bit and the dorm was no longer like an oven, my sleep schedule was so off kilter that I still was unable to sleep at night.

After the first couple of weeks, it seemed like I was perpetually tired.  As my friends and family can attest, I can tend to be grumpy when I first wake up or when I am very tired!  I started getting very frustrated and the days seemed almost painful to me.

Today will mark the 4th day in a row that I have SLEPT all the way through the night!!  AND I did not take any naps during the day!  To say I feel like a million dollars would be an understatement!  I have been praying for months for the ability to follow the scriptures council to get up early and go to bed early.  I have always read that great blessings are promised to those who would follow that council.

I have struggled my whole life with "morning phobia."  It seemed that no matter what I did I could not get up before 8-9 AM and I could not fall asleep before 1 AM.  I, now, can see the Lord's hand in those three weeks of sleepless hell and I am, now, enjoying the benefits of His blessings.  The Lord works in mysterious ways.  I will be sure to be more grateful in the future for some of the difficult challenges that are sure to surface.

I still remember laying there all night long, praying that I could sleep.  I was so tired.  It became painful to be awake.  Now my joy is truly equal to the sorrow I experienced.  Just another example of how the amount of joy we can experience is directly related to the amount of sorrow we have endured.

Mom's Visit

June 27, 2011

Today I got to spend a full 8 hours with my mom.  She is such an amazing woman.  I wished that our time together would never end.  It felt so good to see her smile.  To see her eyes twinkle is one of the greatest blessings I have been given.

My heart broke when I realised how little she really gets to talk the way we talk when we get together.  She has so much to share with me and I loved it.  When she gets so excited to share some part of herself with me, it warms my heart.

Our conversation went from one end of the spectrum to the other.  childhood, current events, dreams, and family affairs and plans for future included.  My mother shared with me things about herself that she has never shared with another person.  This means so much to me!  That she was telling me things about herself that she has never told another person gave me such a special feeling.  It gave me many insights into who that amazing woman is.  I am grateful for the kinds of conversations I am able to have with her now.  I attribute the change as another blessing of being in prison.  The types of conversation I have in visitation rarely would occur if I were not in prison, so I am grateful for the chance to know my family better.

Now that the visit is over, my mind reflects on my childhood.  I told my mom several times how messed up it was for me, how painful a lot of the memories were and how frustrating it was for me growing up.  I failed to tell her that I DO have many amazing memories of her and all the fun things we did together.  I want her to know that I am grateful for the childhood I had and that I don't hold her responsible for the tragedies in my childhood.

She helped me grow my testimony  and she always made sure I knew I was loved.  I do remember all that she had to suffer along with us, and I am ever grateful for her strength, spirit, and unconditional love she always poured out on us.  I love you, Mom.

The Blessings of Adversity

June 11, 2011

This week had been a good one.  I have realized that I started to rebel against the daily curriculum that God has set for me each day.   I KNOW that every single think that happens to me is for my benefit and growth.  Yet - it is SO easy to forget and focus on what I want it to be like!

I allowed a couple of adversities to take me out of my spiritual focus and the result was a loss of light in my life.  Surprise!  After a couple of  days, this loss of light can really start manifesting itself in various ways.  Probably one of the most powerful ways this is evident is in the lack of patience with others. 

Being locked up in pod with 60 other guys, twenty plus hours a day has its own unique challenges.  One of these is that you have to be around people that you  would normally want to avoid!  What I forgot is that these people are actually a blessing.  They are here to provide me with many reminders to pray and seek the Spirit. 

These individuals can only bless my life, unless I decide to rebel against the Light and try to press my own agenda of what I want my day to entail.  If the Lord want to test me and provide me with opportunities for growth, who am I to argue??

I am grateful that He feels I am strong enough to handle more of the fire that refines the gold inside of me.

Poem: Samara

June 6, 2011

Open your eyes and look around,
Look into the mirror to see what I've found.
A heart of gold and a diamond smile -
Seeing you unhappy is my biggest trial.
I love how you blossom and grow!
Let your BRILLIANCE shine and show!
All need to see that angel inside.
You are the one in whom I must confide,
Let me show you what you mean to me:
You're the lighthouse in my darkest storm.
You're my blanket, so fuzzy and warm,
As I wrap myself up in your love,
It carries me away, up high above;
Away from the demons lurking in plain sight.
Your love overcomes them with it's might.
When I am nearly lost in the night,
You rescue me, always doing what's right.
You're the ray of light, piercing the dark.
You're the arrow that never misses its mark.
You are always straight and true
Lifting me up, when I am blue.
I hope you hear what it is my saying,
With these words, hear what I'm praying,
You know that no matter what you do -
I will always be right here - loving you!

Galations 5: 17

June 6, 2011

I had a good day today and I got a lot done.  It seems like the past week I have been keeping myself compulsively busy, doing a lot of nothing.  I'm not sure why I have been trying to keep myself distracted from the things on which I know I should be spending my time.  Even though I still have 7.5 years left in prison, I am determined to take advantage of everyday.  I believe that I can use this time to improve myself and make a positive contribution to others.

I decided today that I have not been paying attention to what "enticements" are keeping me away from doing all that I want to accomplish in the day.  In my preparation for the Gospel lesson I a going to be giving this week, it really struck me that the natural man desires the opposite of what the Spirit desires. 

 Galatians 5:16  "This I say then, ^aWalk in the ^bSpirit, and ye shall not fulfil the ^clust of the flesh.

 17For the flesh lusteth against the ^aSpirit, and the Spirit against the flesh: and these are contrary the one to the other: so that ye cannot do the things that ye would."

I guess I still don't realize how consistently I need to be guarded against the desires of the natural man.  Without the companionship of the Holy Ghost I am nothing but a prideful sinner who is full of himself and glories in the domination of others.  Vain and arrogant, I  would always lead myself right into the worse possible situations.

With the Spirit, I have a peaceful, patient love that whispers peace and comfort to my heart.  I always seem to have enlightened thoughts and ideas about how I can improve my spiritual focus.  The more I am blessed with the companionship of the Holy ghost, the more creative I feel.  I hope you all enjoy the poetry that has been posted.  I never know what's going to pop out, when I listen to the Spirit.

I am excited for the coming week and I know I am going to improve on my performance from last week.

My "Sunday"

June 1, 2011

Today was our little Church group's fast and testimony meeting.  (They hold their church services on Wednesdays)  I always love hearing these men share their testimonies.  The Spirit was strong, even though I was falling asleep in my chair.  Sometimes my sleeping schedule gets messed up and I end up awake all night and then feel like sleeping all day.  I was exhausted, but didn't want to miss out on church.

This afternoon I got an intense workout and, after dinner, I was  ready to fall asleep.  Somehow, I was able to make it through the day without any naps, which seems to be my downfall.  Without the naps, I'm hoping I won't wake up wide awake at 1 A.M.

It can be difficult to get into a good sleeping cycle because our recreation days always alternate from mornings to afternoons.  That is so one pod won't always have the same schedule. 

I feel like today was a good productive day.  I am really looking forward to seeing my mom again.  she should be coming to see me in about a month!  I miss her so much.  I am going to bed with a smile in my eyes and a prayer in my heart.

Tomorrow is going to be a great day!

Frustration

May 29, 2011

This past week has been quite the learning experience for me.  I have dealt with several trying temptations.  some I handled successfully, others I handled terribly.  Basically I have spent the week trying to repent and to once again turn my heart and will over to my God.

I am so grateful that we have modern-day prophets to speak to us on the trials of our day.  It was through the latest LDS General Conference talks that I was able to let go of the wheel, once again, and put my life back into the hands of my Savior.  I still can't get over how blessed I am to be a member of  the true church of God.  I can be instructed by so much light in His gospel. 

It breaks my heart when I think of all the souls who don't have what I have as a member of the true and living church.  It also breaks my heart when i realize how foolish I am.  I seem to be constantly throwing the light and truths that I KNOW to be true out of my life!  I am such a prideful and rebellious soul! 

I have decided to stop trying to guess what exactly I need to be doing each second of the day.  I find this only leads me to feeling overwhelmed, followed by me falling off the path.  I tend to obsess about details, and this leads to me trying to over think everything.

I have decided to let go and put it into the Lord's hands.  I will let His Spirit whisper to what I need to be doing each day.  If I fill my mind with too many details, I find it harder to hear the whispers of the Spirit.  I am sorry it has been so long since my last update.  I am going to make it point to update my journal more often.

Effects of Lock Down

May 12, 2011

It felt so good to be able to go outside today and to exercise my body.  After being locked down for three days straight, my body started missing its daily routines.

Mentally, it is tough to be locked inside a large room, day after day.  I know I am blessed to be on a level three yard (medium security level).  A few years ago they sent all new inmates to a level 4 yard (maximum security level). A level 4 yard means you are locked down 23hours/day.  You only get to come out of your two man cell for an hour a day.  A while back everyone had to spend their first couple of years on a level 4 yard.

Today reminded me of how grateful I am to be able to trust that the Lord will take care of me, if I am obedient to His commandments.  When I decide to do what's right, at all costs, He always steps in and blesses me immensely.

Lock Down and Chess

May 11, 2011

Today was a very good day.  Since we are still locked down 24-7 because of the searches, ...

(Every three months the inmates are kept locked in their own pods while the guards do a search for contraband items and drugs.  It lasts from three to four days.  They have freedom of movement within their pod, but cannot go to classes, recreation, or other pods.)

I spent most of the day playing chess.  I have been studying a couple new chess books that I recently got and today was the first day that I was able to notice a difference in my play.  A guy that I have been teaching chess came up to me and told that he was grateful for all the tips I have been teaching him because he was able to implement them successfully in his games today.  He was really excited about seeing growth in his game.  I was happy to be an instrument in helping to improve someones state of mind.  It may seem strange, but I am very thankful for chess. 

I have been able to develop some strong mental habits from the game.  Spiritually, I notices that life is being more streamline and less "cluttered."  I am grateful for the Spirit and the refining touches it brings to my daily life.

Thoughts on My Mom

May 2, 2011

With Mother's Day coming up, I can't help but think of how blessed I am to have such an amazing mother.

She has always been there for me.  Even thought there were times when I told her I did not want her to be there for me, she always was.  She taught me to love God.  She continues to be my greatest example of what having a testimony of Christ looks like.

Since I have been focusing on being spiritually centered, I have been able to feel her sweet spirit more profoundly than ever before.  I don't know how, but I never realized how deep my mother's testimony of our Savior ran.  I am so grateful that my mother loves the Lord and is willing to go through so much that others may be comforted in their afflictions and adversities.

Growing up as the only boy in the family provided me with an extra close relationship with her.  I was, and still am, a mama's boy.  I couldn't imagine her not in my life.  We are able to practically know each other's thoughts and feelings.  Sometimes I write a question, only to have it answered in the next letter - which was written BEFORE my letter even gets to her.  I have never been closer to another person, in terms of always being able to count on their "being there" for me.

I love you, Mom, and it is my prayer that you can see yourself as I see you:
1.  A success in every possible way
2.  A rock of faith
3.  An example of a Latter-day Saint woman

You're amazing, Mom, and you deserve more than I could ever give you.

Poem - Creator of the World

He is the life that brings us light.
He is the meaning of all that's right
In our darkest, blackest night.
He is a Star, shining ever so bright.
For us He put up such a fight!
He struggled with all His might.
He suffered  and strained, but not in vain.
For us, He was beaten, hung, and slain.
Nothing can defeat Him, this is true.
There is nothing He wouldn't do
For the sake of me or you.
He offers us all that is His.
For us all, He died, and now He lives!
He is always holding out His hand,
Without Him, we are unable to stand.
Embrace His love and submit to Him;
Only then can we find forgiveness from sin.
Yield your hearts to the One who knows you best
So He can separate you from the rest.
Take His hand and walk with Him.
There is nowhere you're going that He hasn't been.
He is the light, and the way through life.
Only through Him is it worth the strife.
Awake and rise from the dust -
He is the One you must trust!
Please listen for Him calling your name!
Once you hear it, you will never be the same.

Matt Wright (April, 2011)

Self Worth - What's It Made of?

April 22, 2011

Today has been an extremely enlightening day for me. I realized that my whole life I have been basing my self-worth on the Temporal World. My self-worth is really beyond measure. I am a child of God and He loves me unconditionally. I am beginning to realize that I don't need anything i this temporal world to contribute to my value as an individual. My value to Heavenly Father does not decrease, change, or falter. No matter what I do, or how I perform, He loves me, just the same. My worth is immeasurable.

I am trying to be focusing on being in the light as much as possible so I can feel his love for me more. I understand that for me to truly be able to see, feel, do and think as Christ would, then I first need to be able to feel that kind of love about myself first.

We cannot give a love we do not have. If we do not truly know our self-worth and truly experience our Father's endless love for us, how can we (in turn) give love to others? If all my self-worth is tied up in my temporal performance, how can I judge my brothers and sister otherwise? If being Number One in all that I do gives me a feeling of worth, then how am I going to feel about the guy that comes in last? Or a person that does not perform to my expectations? I am going to judge them based on what is important to me.

I am now realizing that all my life I have felt very little self-worth. I never really knew what love was. I'm talking about the true, unconditional love.  Going thought this experience and looking back, I can see an example of this unconditional love in my life:  my mother's love for me.  she has always been there for me.  she has loved me regardless of my performance, my actions - regardless of everything.

This is a new feeling for me and like everything else I am trying to integrate into my belief system, I know this is going to take time and effort to get these feelings rooted in my heart.

My desire in not to allow my self worth to be affected in any way by the temporal world.  Allowing your self worth to be based on how well you do something, or on how poorly you do something else, gives Satan tools to use against you.  Wanting the highest score on a test can be leveraged into putting something else before the Lord.  When doing your best doesn't match the goal you set for yourself, what do you do?  Something "outside" just came "inside" and you are beating yourself up over it. 

Only when we have our self worth grounded completely in things spiritual do we have the ability to become Christ-like.  We can, then, return the love we feel from Christ to others without judging them in any way.  We will see them as Christ seeing us, beautiful and with value beyond measure.  We will see ourselves the same way, and cut ourselves some slack when we don't reach our worldly goals.

How people see us is only how  they see themselves.  It's called projection.  I am so excited to begin centering my self-worth on my Eternal Father's matchless love for me.  there is nothing that could ever change how He feels about me.  What do you think THAT tells me about my worth to Him?

Night and Day Difference

March 26, 2011

I also had an interesting experience while playing cards with the usual group of guys. When we play cards, everyone usually harasses one another. One of the guys gets the brunt of the harassment. He is the same guy I offered to store out some cookies to a week or two ago with no tax.

They were giving him a hard time and he was just laughing it off, as usual. I then told him that I really cared about him and that if there was anything he ever needed, I would help him. He looked at me like I was crazy. I looked him right in the eye and said with conviction,"I'm serious." I had nothing but love in my heart. It got kind of quiet at the table for a moment, but I didn't care what any one thought.

I now have so much love in my heart; it is flowing out at unexpected times. He just kind of looked at me with an odd look and I looked away because I did not want him to feel uncomfortable. i had told him I was his friend and I was here to help him whenever he needed it. I was satisfied. The strangest thing was that it came out of nowhere. I felt like I just opened my mouth and words of support just couldn't be stopped. I had to express it.

I am so excited to be able to see with my new eyes. I am also starting to see that it might be a lonely place to be. There is so much spiritual darkness here. A lot of people are completely temporally focused.

I would never have been able to see the difference. The change has happened just recently. Now the difference is like night and day to me. I know I have a long way to go. I am just so grateful that I finally understand exactly what I am supposed to do and how to get where I want to go.

Ackward Missionary Moment

March 26, 2011

Today has been an amazing day. I had an awesome missionary experience with a guy in my pod. It was the same guy that got into a fight with the little guy who used a lock in his sock.

He asked me if I was "Mormon." I told him I was. This is the second time he asked me this question, so my spiritual ears perked up immediately. I gave a quick prayer - "Father, I am grateful for this opportunity to testify of Thee and Thy Son. Please bless me with the Holy ghost so that I may know what to say."

He asked me if we believe that the righteous will rule the Earth. I told him that we do. I guessed he was talking about the Millennium. He then began to quote several scriptures that had reference to that, such as the Lord's Prayer and some in Isaiah. He told me that the Lord said the "meek shall inherit the Earth." He goes on to expand greatly on this subject. He mentioned that it was written that there will be a new heaven and a new earth.

It was fascinating to me how much this non-member had learned about the truths which are so plainly taught to us by modern scripture. In fact, he was teaching me. I would never have guessed that this guy knew the Bible so well and had been obviously doing some diligent study. I agreed with everything he was saying. I, then, felt prompted to ask if he knew anyone else who was a Mormon. He told me he did. It was one of the Spanish speaking brothers in our "ward." He said that this brother really knew a lot.

I immediately invited him to come to church with us. He kinda ignored the offer, but you can bet I am going to watch him like a hawk and I am going to pounce at the very first prompting i get from the Spirit to follow up on it. I bore a quick testimony to him and told him how impressed I was with how much be knew about the gospel.

Now - here is the real crazy part: All this happened in the shower. No, we don't have to group showers here, thankfully. They have shower stalls that are lined up along a wall and three people shower at once. they are separated by a wall about four feet high, and three feet away from the wall. There are five stalls total, but only three guys shower at the same time so that there is an empty stall next to each guy.

You never know when a chance to bear witness of the truthfulness of the gospel is going to appear. I am grateful that since I have been developing the habit of praying always, I was completely prepared to share the gospel and stand as a witness of Christ - even with two other guys. I know that sounds bad, but I was so excited to share the gospel, I didn't care one bit!

Letter to Mom - Part Two

March 25, 2011

You are a spiritual giant, Mom. A perfect soul who was exceptionally faithful in the pre-mortal existence. You have already won, Mom. We just need to allow God to love us and place all our worth on His love. Every single day we live should be an amazing, awesome day! No matter what trials we come across, as long as we are spiritually centered and use those trials for what they were intended - spiritual growth.

The natural man tells us that we are not enough, that we are not doing it good enough, that we need to do better or that is not enough. Not enough! All God wants from us is progress! He doesn't care if we make mistakes, if we have trouble with addictions, if we are selfish at times. What matters is that we are trying to improve, that we are dedicated and determined to stay on that straight and narrow path - no matter what. He sees us making progress, no matter how small that progress may seem to us, it is enough for us to qualify for eternal life.

I love you so much, Mom. You have always shown me the kind of love that God has for us, so I know you know how much God loves you. Rejoice in the knowledge that we have the gospel in our lives, that we are on the path to eternal life, that we will be able to be together for all eternity as a family.

I am so grateful to have you as a mother. Whatever I did before to qualify for such a tremendous blessing must have been pretty awesome. Thank you, Mom, for your testimony. thank you for always seeing my true worth, even though I never did.

I can honestly say I never had any self-esteem, until now. What a glorious statement that is! I feel like I am worth something! I feel good about myself! the most important thing is that none of these feelings are tied to anything on the temporal level. I am starting to see my spiritual self for the very first time.

Now that I can see how god sees me, I can also see how God sees others. Now that I am starting to truly love myself as God loves me, I can start loving others the same way.

I hope you are smiling, Mom. I hope you know how much I love and appreciate you. without you I would be lost. Now that I have found the path, don't you think I am going to let you out of my sight even for a second! Don't you even think about wandering off! I got my eye on you, Mom-ster!

Thank you again, Momma, for everything. I love you.

A Letter to Mom - Part One

March 25, 2011

The first thing I want to address is what I have learned about my Heavenly Father. I always felt like it was strange that we prayed to Him and not Christ. I always found myself wanting to talk to the Savior. I actually remember thinking, "What is the point in praying to the Father? It's the Son who does everything for us." I had no connection with the Father, but I could relate to Jesus. I was pretty much wholly focused on the Savior.

This is 100% the correct way to get into the telestial kingdom. It is not going to get me to the Celestial Kingdom. It is not about the Savior; it is about God, the Eternal Father. Even Christ, Himself, says that it all about the Father. He gives all the credit to Him. Everything He does is for the Father.

As shocking as it may seem, before the CD program "Becoming Spiritually Centered," that you sent me, I did not know my God. Now I do. I understand! I can feel my Father's love for me. My focus is on Him and nothing else. Anything less is not going to get me where I want to be.

I am being taught that anything we allow to create value in ourselves needs to come from God. If our self-worth is tied to anything else, it generates low feelings of self-worth. I now understand that that God loves us unconditionally. He loves me the same regardless of my performance. I am of equal worth to Him as the Savior. Christ is of equal worth to God as Lucifer is. Our Father in Heaven has a perfect love. My worth to Him is unmeasurable. Absolutely nothing will ever change my true worth. Nothing. The only thing that changes is MY ability to FEEL His love. When I walk in the light, I can feel His love for me.

I now am placing my self-worth on God's love for me and detaching myself from all those things that used to give me self=esteem. Things like winning, physical appearance, helping others, etc. Whenever we allow ANYTHING in this temporal world to value us, we are giving the Adversary a way to bring us down.

Everything we do needs to be dedicated to and done for God.

For example, do you feel bad that I am in prison? I heard you say "yes." Why? You know that the Lord has a plan for me and He is going to do whatever it takes to ensure I come back to Him. You should be rejoicing, Mom. You can't? Why not? Don't be temporally centered. See the situation as Christ sees it. Look with your spiritual eyes and you would be dancing for joy! Why feel sorrow for the pain I had to endure? You know that it was for my spiritual growth. You know it was God's way of helping me. Celebrate, Mom! Let go of the natural man's urges to be selfish and try to see things as God sees it. This is but a moment, Mom. God loves us, we are spiritual angels with worth unmeasurable.

I am opening my eyes and accepting God's love. I can feel it so strongly at times, it is almost overwhelming. Rejoice in this life with me, Mom. Your value is not based on how well you have raised us. It is not based on how well you can do bead work, or how well you teach, or how much you weigh. (to be continued)

The Lesson of the Cookies

March 16, 2011
Church was amazing. I felt the Spirit very strongly. The subject was the Atonement. I was able to comment and participate because I have been studying it recently. The stake president was also there for the first time; a glowing man, bubbling with the spirit. You can always tell who the stake presidents are. You could almost see the Holy ghost following him around.

Today was been an all around awesome day. I can tell the Spirit is working very strongly on me because I did some things today that surprised me.

First when "store" came (the items purchased from the prison commissary were delivered), I noticed that the new white guy that was moved in here about a week ago didn't get anything. I was impressed to go and give him a Ritz cracker pack. They are the little ones with six Ritz peanut butter crackers. At first, I second guessed myself and thought, "Oh that would be weird, I haven't even said so much as hi to the guy." Right after I thought that, I was immediately impressed again to give the guy one. At that point, I knew the Holy ghost was inspiring me to do something and I didn't hesitate to do it. I felt good doing it. I have to be honest, it felt foreign to me, being led by the Spirit. It has been longer than I can remember when I felt that exact kind of prompting. The Spirit confirmed to me that I was being directed.

Later that evening, I had another thought pop in my head out of nowhere. I remembered that my buddy, Jeremy, did not get any store for himself. He owed some people store and had to pay them back with everything he had ordered. This time I didn't hesitate; I just went over to him. I didn't know what I was going to say. I opened my mouth and out popped, "You didn't get any store for yourself, did you? He said that he didn't, that he had to pay everyone back. "I have some cookies that I could store out to you with no tax," I offered. He kinda looked at me like I was crazy. Everyone usually charges a "tax" (like you have to pay back the one your borrowed, plus one more) when they let someone borrow anything. "So, you have some cookies that you don't want?" he asked suspiciously. I got the feeling that he was really thrown off by my random offer to help him out. "I didn't say I didn't want them. But if you want some, just let me know," I told him, as I started to walk away.

As I was leaving, the new white guy (that I had given the crackers to) waved me over to his bunk. He lives in the bunk across from Jeremy. He wanted to tell me thank you for the crackers. We shook hands and I told him I knew how it was, just settling in, and seeing everyone get store when yo u had next to nothing. As I walked back to my bunk, I had the biggest smile on my heart. Nothing beats the feeling of knowing that the Lord is using you to do good. Today was another spiritual breakthrough for me. Now that I have a taste for being led by the Spirit, I am focusing even more on keeping Him with me always.

Importance of Conversion (Part Two)

March 14, 2011

President Harold B. Lee said that our number one focus should be to become converted. He mentions that even Peter, our Lord's chief apostle, needed to be re-converted. Peter had a testimony that Jesus was the Son of God.

(Matt. 16: 13-17)

13 When Jesus came into the coasts of Caesarea Philippi, he asked his disciples, saying, Whom do men say that I the Son of man am?

14 And they said, Some say that thou art John the Baptist: some, Elias; and others, Jeremias, or one of the prophets.

15 He saith unto them, But whom say ye that I am?

16 And Simon Peter answered and said, Thou art the Christ, the Son of the living God.

17 And Jesus answered and said unto him, Blessed art thou, Simon Barjona: for flesh and blood hath not revealed it unto thee, but my Father which is in heaven.

Not even a year went by until Peter was rebuked by the Master and told that he needed to be converted again.
(Luke 22: 31-32)

31 And the Lord said, Simon, Simon, behold, Satan hath desired to have you, that he may sift you as wheat:

32 But I have prayed for thee, that thy faith fail not: and when thou art converted, strengthen thy brethren.

Now if Peter had trouble staying converted how much more do all of us need to focus on maintaining our testimony and conversion? We must always be vigilant keeping the commandments so that we may be worthy of having the Holy Ghost there to warn us when Satan is about to throw a wrench into our spokes.
I realize now that even though I feel strong, spiritual, healthy, and enlightened; I am not unstoppable. In fact, because of these things I am that much more of a target to the Adversary than before. When I am doing good and the Lord is blessing me, my guard is down. When I am going through trials and being afflicted with sorrow, grief and pain' I am actively striving to follow every commandment implicitly.
They call it the "pride cycle." The Book of Mormon shows us this cycle over and over. Now I am going to make sure that I am consistently humbling myself. I keep praying that the Lord will strengthen me in the trials I know will come again. I acknowledge that I am nothing without His saving grace. I realize that as soon as I let my pride take over and I start envisioning myself as "strong," I am really becoming weak.
Christ has said the first will be last and the last will be first. The sad thing is I ALWAYS want to be first in absolutely everything. My number one goal this month is to work on detaching myself from winning and having to be right. Please keep me in your prayers, I am going to need it!