February 4, 2011
I wanted to start this journal as a way of recording my journey through the next ten years in a state prison. I also wanted to make this journal public so that I may share this experience not only with my beloved and supportive family but perhaps my experience will reach someone who will be able to draw strength, wisdom and experience from what I have been through and continue to experience here in prison. Most importantly, I want to leave behind a record for my son (who is not yet two years old), so he can look back and know what I went through and there was not a day that went by that I did not think of him.
In this journal, I have decided not to withhold anything, regardless of how private or personal, even though I am making this public. I feel that way I will be able to share the full experience with those that have interest in my life. I am writing this from prison and it is being put on-line by my family. Updates will be made, hopefully, every week. Any comments will be sent to me via snail mail, as I do not have computer access. Please be patient and I will do my best to respond promptly.
I am so grateful for this experience. I know that may sound odd. Why or how could anyone be grateful to be sentenced to ten years in prison? I believe that this is an opportunity to become the man I have always wanted to be. I believe that without my incarceration, I would never have been able to correct my errors sufficiently.
Today is the first day of "Operation Success". Last night I took some time to come up with a plan of action to get myself on the path to change. I know it takes 28 days to make a habit, whether it be a good habit or a bad one. I know that all too often, I have these grand dreams and desires to do amazing, wonderful things; only to loose the passion for them shortly afterwards. The best chances of having my good intentions succeed is if I put it all down in writing. I need it written, complete with lists, charts and graphs, all planned out chronologically.
I am a big Tony Robbins fan. There is something I deeply believe is essential to everyone's ability to change and improve. Tony calls it CANI for short. It stands for Constant And Never ending Improvement. The belief is that if we make even a tiny, slight improvement to our lives, IF it is done consistently, over time it will produce grand results.
We all know how hard it is to break bad habits. Habits are very powerful. the secret is we can create ANY habit we choose. When we create these new habits - the ones that we know will eventually bring us the results we want in our life - the path to change and success becomes so much easier!
We are creatures of habits! When we become aware of this and sit down and CHOOSE to take responsibility of which we are going to follow, we truly harness one the most powerful tools of personal growth.
Last night I sat down to make a list entitled "Things That Must Happen Everyday." I knew that if I were truly going to be able to make any lasting changes in my life and take full advantage of this "opportunity," I was going to need a plan. I was surprised with what came to me. I was trying to think of everything I knew I would need to do to maintain the positive mental attitude I know is essential for the level of person's growth I wish to achieve.
My list went as follows:
1. Study the gospel of Jesus Christ and His life
2. Daily prayer - morning and night
3. Breathing/mediation
4. Write something - journal, letter, etc
5. Review goal chart
6. So something to improve the quality of my life
7. Learn something new
8. Put off the "natural man" (1 Cor 2:14)
9. Be obedient to the commandments
I had only come up with nine things. I wanted to simplify even this a little more. I know how easy it is to get overwhelmed when trying to break old habits and create new ones. I decided to take just the first five and focus on those to begin with.
I was still worried about my ability to remain focused on these over time and my ability to remain consistent enough to build the foundation of the new habits I was trying to form. I decided to make a chart for the first five days. I could physically put an "X" in each of the five boxes, each day, showing I had successfully completed the five actions I had chosen to develop into habits. This way I had a visual reminder not only of my new goals, but also of the time it is going to take to accomplish what I've set before myself.
I believe instant gratification is one of the greatest curses of the natural man in these advanced times. We want WHAT we want WHEN we want it....and we want it NOW!! Everything is designed to make things easier for us. Time-saving computers, smart phones. Texting replaces calling. Everything is catered to our desire for instant gratification.
Unfortunately, the manner in which our minds change is completely the opposite. I mean it takes 28 days just to make something as simple as a habit! That's almost a whole month!! A whole month of getting very little in return for all our efforts. A month of fighting against habits that may have been around for years and are deeply entrenched in our neural pathways. No wonder people get "stuck" in the "ruts" of their lives and are never able to escape.
I understand that it is extremely important to constantly remind myself of the time frame involved with personal change. For me the best way to do this is just to make a chart with it all laid out in writing.
Today marks Day #1 for me. I am excited to be able to use this journal to keep a record of this so I can use it to fall back on for support. It will be a benchmark of my progress.
I have already studied the scriptures and read about Christ today. I am currently writing something and I have my breathing exercises yet to do. I still have to make my goal chart before I can review it. Baby steps.
Today was an interesting day. After dinner, I was listening to some music and fell asleep. When I woke up, I discovered there had been a fight in my pod that involved a sock, a lock, and a lot of blood. From what I was told, two guys had a disagreement about something. Harsh words were exchanged. In my current environment, that means you have to fight for "respect." One guys was a lot bigger than the other. The smaller guy took his combination lock (in prison, you are allowed one combination lock to secure your personal belongings within a drawer) and put it in his sock. The two guys proceeded to the bathroom to fight. They always go into the bathroom because that is the only place where there are not any cameras.
The smaller guy hit the big guy in the face once, really hard with the lock. Only once. The bigger guy proceeded to beat down the little guy, took the lock away from him and started beating him with it, still in the sock. There was blood everywhere. It was pretty sad. The little guy was really messed up when I saw him after the fight. When things like this happen, it reminds me how careful I need to be in here.
Sometimes days just roll by and you get comfortable where you are and that can be deadly. Just a few days ago thee was another fight where a big guy beat in the face of a smaller guy. they took him away in an ambulance. His face was literally caved in. I heard it was over a card game. Thankfully that fight was not on my pod so I didn't have to see the results first hand.
I am still torn about my feelings over all this. When I get a handle on it, I will address it more.
I have not received much mail this week. Mail here is by far the most valuable thing to me. I have three sisters that I write to constantly and my mom and step-dad. Only one sister lives in the state in which I am incarcerated. This week they are all visiting my area. I hope they will be able to come visit me. I have not had a visit yet and I am aching for contact with someone who is not a felon.
(In the prison system, visitors have to submit an application to visit and it is thoroughly screened, including a background check. The process can take six to eight weeks before approval is given to visit the inmate)
I am new at this whole writing thing and hopefully, over time, I will get better. I will be writing at least once a day if my plans hold up. Thank you for taking the time to read this and hopefully we can all take something positive and uplifting from me spending 8.5 years in prison.
