10-18-2011
It has been a long time since my last journal entry. Much has happened. My mother came to visit me almost exactly a month ago. She was able to speed three awesome 8-hour days with me. I had a wonderful time. It almost seemed like normal.
After the visit was over, I spent a week locked down because the prison decided to do their quarterly search of the whole facility. I was unable to work out and that added to the decline in my motivational levels. I seemed to crash and burn for a few weeks. Now I am really starting to get back into my routine.
I am grateful that through it all I was able to remain consistent in my scripture studies. It has provided me light and the strength I was looking for to keep pushing forward. No matter what, never let go of the rod. Even if everything else is falling apart, if you can just hold onto that one thing, you will always reach the light at the end of the tunnel.
Friday, December 16, 2011
Poem: The Battle
Why do we cry at night
When we close our eyes tight?
Racing thoughts seem to cross our minds
And we never quite know what it finds.
Hidden things jump out and make you yell...
"Help! Help! What IS this thing?!
I don't like the despair you bring!
Be gone at once from this place!"
You scream into the changing face.
You plant your foot and straighten your back.
It's certainly not courage that you lack.
Surely the darkness must take flight
When it's faced with all your might.
Stalking forward, with a glare in your eye,
You're amazed that the darkness doesn't die.
It swells and grows into twisted shapes,
Great black eyes, like bottomless lakes.
It lears at you and begins to grin,
the dark words pierce you from deep within...
"Pride is the trap, and I have you caught!
I only grew stronger the more you fought."
It's words are darts laced with fire,
"Now you're mine, to do with as I desire!"
With a great leap, the end rushes near.
It's so close, you can smell the fear.
Your powerful arm is rent in two,
Limbs turn asunder, nothing you can do.
Broken, beaten, laid to waste...
Blood and bile is all you can taste.
With your last breath, you whisper a name,
through broken teeth and a mountain of shame.
"Jesus! Jesus!" is your desperate request,
Uttered from within your heaving chest.
You wipe your eyes and toss and turn,
Hoping that someday you might learn.
that one day the thoughts will cease
And your mind will become a bountious feast.
To be pure and true, never afraid to do,
To be reborn, remade into a whole new you...
Is such a thing beyond your reach?
Are you the exception? The one He can't reach?
You can't force your way through this one;
Only obedience knees can get it done.
Blindfold your eyes so you can't see.
You must follow the Spirit to be set free.
Don't be surprised if you still cry at night,
While on your knees, holding scriptures tight.
Racing thoughts still cross your mind.
This time you know what they will find...
Beams of light! That shatter the night!
A vision opens up, such a glorious sight!
You see your Savior abolish the beast,
Then He gives you His love - and you begin to feast!
It's a never ending supply that He offers you,
So never give up! Be Strong! Be true!
Because, for you, there is nothing He won't do.
When we close our eyes tight?
Racing thoughts seem to cross our minds
And we never quite know what it finds.
Hidden things jump out and make you yell...
"Help! Help! What IS this thing?!
I don't like the despair you bring!
Be gone at once from this place!"
You scream into the changing face.
You plant your foot and straighten your back.
It's certainly not courage that you lack.
Surely the darkness must take flight
When it's faced with all your might.
Stalking forward, with a glare in your eye,
You're amazed that the darkness doesn't die.
It swells and grows into twisted shapes,
Great black eyes, like bottomless lakes.
It lears at you and begins to grin,
the dark words pierce you from deep within...
"Pride is the trap, and I have you caught!
I only grew stronger the more you fought."
It's words are darts laced with fire,
"Now you're mine, to do with as I desire!"
With a great leap, the end rushes near.
It's so close, you can smell the fear.
Your powerful arm is rent in two,
Limbs turn asunder, nothing you can do.
Broken, beaten, laid to waste...
Blood and bile is all you can taste.
With your last breath, you whisper a name,
through broken teeth and a mountain of shame.
"Jesus! Jesus!" is your desperate request,
Uttered from within your heaving chest.
You wipe your eyes and toss and turn,
Hoping that someday you might learn.
that one day the thoughts will cease
And your mind will become a bountious feast.
To be pure and true, never afraid to do,
To be reborn, remade into a whole new you...
Is such a thing beyond your reach?
Are you the exception? The one He can't reach?
You can't force your way through this one;
Only obedience knees can get it done.
Blindfold your eyes so you can't see.
You must follow the Spirit to be set free.
Don't be surprised if you still cry at night,
While on your knees, holding scriptures tight.
Racing thoughts still cross your mind.
This time you know what they will find...
Beams of light! That shatter the night!
A vision opens up, such a glorious sight!
You see your Savior abolish the beast,
Then He gives you His love - and you begin to feast!
It's a never ending supply that He offers you,
So never give up! Be Strong! Be true!
Because, for you, there is nothing He won't do.
Poem: Enduring
We must be implicitly thankful in all things
Regardless of the trials this life brings.
We must be strong and stout
So our seeds of faith may sprout.
We must follow His ways and do as we're told,
Then we will always be apart of His fold.
We must not faint as we seek His face;
Only then will we qualify for His Grace.
We must forgive, seventy times seven
So we may be able to enter heaven.
We must never forget what was done.
For US, God gave up His Beloved Son.
Regardless of the trials this life brings.
We must be strong and stout
So our seeds of faith may sprout.
We must follow His ways and do as we're told,
Then we will always be apart of His fold.
We must not faint as we seek His face;
Only then will we qualify for His Grace.
We must forgive, seventy times seven
So we may be able to enter heaven.
We must never forget what was done.
For US, God gave up His Beloved Son.
Chastity
8-25-11
The past two weeks have been really good to me. I am growing stronger in faith every day and, with that, the Lord is blessing me more and more.
I am really starting to realize that after a life of so much sin, it is going to take time to pull up my roots out of the darkness. The biggest breakthrough I have made is regarding chastity. I am learning what it means to "cherish" chastity.
The more I have opened my heart to God, and decided to truly follow His commandments the best I can, the more He is enabling me to plant the virtuous seeds of His gospel. It is a great feeling to realize that I am truly making spiritual progress in an area I never have be able to before. I am excited to see what the future weeks bring.
The past two weeks have been really good to me. I am growing stronger in faith every day and, with that, the Lord is blessing me more and more.
I am really starting to realize that after a life of so much sin, it is going to take time to pull up my roots out of the darkness. The biggest breakthrough I have made is regarding chastity. I am learning what it means to "cherish" chastity.
The more I have opened my heart to God, and decided to truly follow His commandments the best I can, the more He is enabling me to plant the virtuous seeds of His gospel. It is a great feeling to realize that I am truly making spiritual progress in an area I never have be able to before. I am excited to see what the future weeks bring.
Several Thoughts
August 15, 2011
This week is starting out great. Even though it is supposed to reach 110 degrees all through the week, I am looking forward to exercising. Unfortunately, the last couple of days I have been on a sugar binge. It all started off with one soda and took off from there.
It has really reminded me of what an addictive personality I have and how important and powerful that can be if directed to things of a spiritual nature.
The more I really focus on doing 30 minutes of scripture study first thing in the morning, the more I can feel an increase of His Spirit. The more I feel His Spirit, the happier I am. When I see the fruits from reading the scriptures, the more want to read! It's a "vicious" cycle. Lol!
On thing that has really been on my mind lately is the Second Coming of our Savior and Redeemer, Jesus Christ. I am so excited for the Millennium. I just pray I am found worthy to learn from the Master for 1000 years on Earth.
Let's all put forth our best efforts to help prepare the way for Him so we won't have to wait much longer.
This week is starting out great. Even though it is supposed to reach 110 degrees all through the week, I am looking forward to exercising. Unfortunately, the last couple of days I have been on a sugar binge. It all started off with one soda and took off from there.
It has really reminded me of what an addictive personality I have and how important and powerful that can be if directed to things of a spiritual nature.
The more I really focus on doing 30 minutes of scripture study first thing in the morning, the more I can feel an increase of His Spirit. The more I feel His Spirit, the happier I am. When I see the fruits from reading the scriptures, the more want to read! It's a "vicious" cycle. Lol!
On thing that has really been on my mind lately is the Second Coming of our Savior and Redeemer, Jesus Christ. I am so excited for the Millennium. I just pray I am found worthy to learn from the Master for 1000 years on Earth.
Let's all put forth our best efforts to help prepare the way for Him so we won't have to wait much longer.
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Apology.
This is Matt's mom. I have had several things happening and have neglected Matt's postings. I am sorry for the gap between the time they were written and when I am getting them posted. I will try to keep them in chronological order. Matt would welcome comments or mail letting him know what you think of his blogging.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Scripture Power
8-15-2011
This week is starting out great. Even though it is supposed to be 110 degrees all through the week, I am still looking forward to exercising.
Unfortunately, the last couple of days I have been on a sugar binge. It all started with one soda and it took off from there. It has really reminded me how much of an addictive personality I have and how important that can be if directed to things of a spiritual nature. The more I really focus on doing 30 minutes of scripture study in the morning, the more I can feel an increase of His spirit. The more I feel His spirit, the happier I am when I see the fruits from reading the scriptures. The more I see the fruits, the more I want to read! It's a vicious cycle (smiley face) - in a GOOD way!!
One thing that has been on my mind lately is the second coming of our Savior and Redeemer, Jesus Christ. I am so excited for the millennium. I just pray I am found worthy to learn from the Master for a thousand years on Earth. Let us all put forth our best efforts to help prepare the way for Him, so we won't have to wait much longer.
This week is starting out great. Even though it is supposed to be 110 degrees all through the week, I am still looking forward to exercising.
Unfortunately, the last couple of days I have been on a sugar binge. It all started with one soda and it took off from there. It has really reminded me how much of an addictive personality I have and how important that can be if directed to things of a spiritual nature. The more I really focus on doing 30 minutes of scripture study in the morning, the more I can feel an increase of His spirit. The more I feel His spirit, the happier I am when I see the fruits from reading the scriptures. The more I see the fruits, the more I want to read! It's a vicious cycle (smiley face) - in a GOOD way!!
One thing that has been on my mind lately is the second coming of our Savior and Redeemer, Jesus Christ. I am so excited for the millennium. I just pray I am found worthy to learn from the Master for a thousand years on Earth. Let us all put forth our best efforts to help prepare the way for Him, so we won't have to wait much longer.
Never Forget (Poem)
We must be implicitly thankful in all things,
Regardless of the trials this life brings.
We must be strong and stout,
So our seeds of faith will sprout.
We must follow his ways and do as we're told
And we will always be a part of His fold.
We must not faint as we seek His face,
Only then will we qualify for His grace.
We must forgive seventy times seven,
So we may be able to enter heaven.
We must never forget what was done;
For us, God gave up His Beloved Son.
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Exercise and Development
August 2, 2011
Today has been a very good day! Working out in 105 degree weather DOES have its perks; You sure do feel like you have accomplished something afterwards!
I found out that I have lost eight pounds since the last time I was weighed, which was a couple of months ago. I now weigh 200 pounds. that is still the lost i have ever weighed. I usually stay around 185-190 when I am in a muscle-building mode. Since I am 6"1", that is a perfect weight for me, in my opinion.
When I was first arrested I was definitely NOT used to so much down time, when it comes to my physical activity level. That, combined with the high-calorie food they feed us, resulted in a massive weight gain. The most I weighed in here was 215!
I can't begin to express how many different benefits come from regular and consistent daily exercise. Especially if you are ADHD! Exercise is absolutely critical. I am so grateful that the Lord has blessed me with the body I have. It is one of my most important stewartships. When you put forth the effort to make sure your temple stays healthy, the Lord pours blessings out to you.
We had a new guy start working out with us. Today was his second day. You could tell he was really struggling and that it was extremely difficult for him, but he pushed through the workout! It's funny because looking back, we all have to go through those first painful weeks when we first start daily, consistent exercise.
Now that my body is conditioned to the exertion, I find myself enjoying the same workout that I first so dreaded! I believe most things in life are this way. I pray that we will all have the faith to push through the pain that comes when we first start pushing our limits.
Today has been a very good day! Working out in 105 degree weather DOES have its perks; You sure do feel like you have accomplished something afterwards!
I found out that I have lost eight pounds since the last time I was weighed, which was a couple of months ago. I now weigh 200 pounds. that is still the lost i have ever weighed. I usually stay around 185-190 when I am in a muscle-building mode. Since I am 6"1", that is a perfect weight for me, in my opinion.
When I was first arrested I was definitely NOT used to so much down time, when it comes to my physical activity level. That, combined with the high-calorie food they feed us, resulted in a massive weight gain. The most I weighed in here was 215!
I can't begin to express how many different benefits come from regular and consistent daily exercise. Especially if you are ADHD! Exercise is absolutely critical. I am so grateful that the Lord has blessed me with the body I have. It is one of my most important stewartships. When you put forth the effort to make sure your temple stays healthy, the Lord pours blessings out to you.
We had a new guy start working out with us. Today was his second day. You could tell he was really struggling and that it was extremely difficult for him, but he pushed through the workout! It's funny because looking back, we all have to go through those first painful weeks when we first start daily, consistent exercise.
Now that my body is conditioned to the exertion, I find myself enjoying the same workout that I first so dreaded! I believe most things in life are this way. I pray that we will all have the faith to push through the pain that comes when we first start pushing our limits.
Books You Must Read
July 27, 2011
I believe I have found my absolute favorite series of books! I am in love with Gerald N. Lund's The Work and the Glory. What an amazing work on the history of the restored church.
I am learning so much about the early days of the church. I'm realizing that I knew practically nothing about all the details of the restoration during the first twenty years of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Everyday I read it, I find my eyes tearing up a bit because the Spirit touches me so deeply. I quickly cover my face and wipe the tears away. Reading all the events that took place in those early days has also really strengthened my testimony of the Doctrine and Covenants. Understanding all the events involved at the time those revelations were given really helps me to put it all into perspective.
Gerald Lund is nothing but inspired. Before this series I also read a couple of his other books. His #1 seller, and the #1 selling LDS series of all time, is The Kingdom and the Crown. He takes you back to the Savior's lifetime in Jerusalem and immerses you in those times.
These two series are a MUST read, if you are a Latter-Day Saint. they will expand your understanding and strengthen your testimony. He has written two other equally amazing and inspired books, The Fire and the Covenant and Undaunted. They are both based on the early LDS pioneers.
I hope everyone will take the time to read these books. They have a powerful spirit and a powerful message, of which I believe everyone should partake.
I believe I have found my absolute favorite series of books! I am in love with Gerald N. Lund's The Work and the Glory. What an amazing work on the history of the restored church.
I am learning so much about the early days of the church. I'm realizing that I knew practically nothing about all the details of the restoration during the first twenty years of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Everyday I read it, I find my eyes tearing up a bit because the Spirit touches me so deeply. I quickly cover my face and wipe the tears away. Reading all the events that took place in those early days has also really strengthened my testimony of the Doctrine and Covenants. Understanding all the events involved at the time those revelations were given really helps me to put it all into perspective.
Gerald Lund is nothing but inspired. Before this series I also read a couple of his other books. His #1 seller, and the #1 selling LDS series of all time, is The Kingdom and the Crown. He takes you back to the Savior's lifetime in Jerusalem and immerses you in those times.
These two series are a MUST read, if you are a Latter-Day Saint. they will expand your understanding and strengthen your testimony. He has written two other equally amazing and inspired books, The Fire and the Covenant and Undaunted. They are both based on the early LDS pioneers.
I hope everyone will take the time to read these books. They have a powerful spirit and a powerful message, of which I believe everyone should partake.
Sleepless in the Heat
July 23, 2011
It's been a long time since my last journal entry. Much has happened and I am going to give my updates over the next couple entries.
The last couple weeks signaled the arrival of summer. That brought 115-118 degree weather, along with high humidity. When the heat first arrived, it turned the dorm where I live into a sauna. Nighttime did nothing to alleviate the sweltering heat and humidity.
The worst side effect I suffered from the change in the climate was my inability to sleep at night. For almost a month, it was impossible for me to sleep after the sun set. Even when the weather cooled down a bit and the dorm was no longer like an oven, my sleep schedule was so off kilter that I still was unable to sleep at night.
After the first couple of weeks, it seemed like I was perpetually tired. As my friends and family can attest, I can tend to be grumpy when I first wake up or when I am very tired! I started getting very frustrated and the days seemed almost painful to me.
Today will mark the 4th day in a row that I have SLEPT all the way through the night!! AND I did not take any naps during the day! To say I feel like a million dollars would be an understatement! I have been praying for months for the ability to follow the scriptures council to get up early and go to bed early. I have always read that great blessings are promised to those who would follow that council.
I have struggled my whole life with "morning phobia." It seemed that no matter what I did I could not get up before 8-9 AM and I could not fall asleep before 1 AM. I, now, can see the Lord's hand in those three weeks of sleepless hell and I am, now, enjoying the benefits of His blessings. The Lord works in mysterious ways. I will be sure to be more grateful in the future for some of the difficult challenges that are sure to surface.
I still remember laying there all night long, praying that I could sleep. I was so tired. It became painful to be awake. Now my joy is truly equal to the sorrow I experienced. Just another example of how the amount of joy we can experience is directly related to the amount of sorrow we have endured.
It's been a long time since my last journal entry. Much has happened and I am going to give my updates over the next couple entries.
The last couple weeks signaled the arrival of summer. That brought 115-118 degree weather, along with high humidity. When the heat first arrived, it turned the dorm where I live into a sauna. Nighttime did nothing to alleviate the sweltering heat and humidity.
The worst side effect I suffered from the change in the climate was my inability to sleep at night. For almost a month, it was impossible for me to sleep after the sun set. Even when the weather cooled down a bit and the dorm was no longer like an oven, my sleep schedule was so off kilter that I still was unable to sleep at night.
After the first couple of weeks, it seemed like I was perpetually tired. As my friends and family can attest, I can tend to be grumpy when I first wake up or when I am very tired! I started getting very frustrated and the days seemed almost painful to me.
Today will mark the 4th day in a row that I have SLEPT all the way through the night!! AND I did not take any naps during the day! To say I feel like a million dollars would be an understatement! I have been praying for months for the ability to follow the scriptures council to get up early and go to bed early. I have always read that great blessings are promised to those who would follow that council.
I have struggled my whole life with "morning phobia." It seemed that no matter what I did I could not get up before 8-9 AM and I could not fall asleep before 1 AM. I, now, can see the Lord's hand in those three weeks of sleepless hell and I am, now, enjoying the benefits of His blessings. The Lord works in mysterious ways. I will be sure to be more grateful in the future for some of the difficult challenges that are sure to surface.
I still remember laying there all night long, praying that I could sleep. I was so tired. It became painful to be awake. Now my joy is truly equal to the sorrow I experienced. Just another example of how the amount of joy we can experience is directly related to the amount of sorrow we have endured.
Monday, July 11, 2011
Mom's Visit
June 27, 2011
Today I got to spend a full 8 hours with my mom. She is such an amazing woman. I wished that our time together would never end. It felt so good to see her smile. To see her eyes twinkle is one of the greatest blessings I have been given.
My heart broke when I realised how little she really gets to talk the way we talk when we get together. She has so much to share with me and I loved it. When she gets so excited to share some part of herself with me, it warms my heart.
Our conversation went from one end of the spectrum to the other. childhood, current events, dreams, and family affairs and plans for future included. My mother shared with me things about herself that she has never shared with another person. This means so much to me! That she was telling me things about herself that she has never told another person gave me such a special feeling. It gave me many insights into who that amazing woman is. I am grateful for the kinds of conversations I am able to have with her now. I attribute the change as another blessing of being in prison. The types of conversation I have in visitation rarely would occur if I were not in prison, so I am grateful for the chance to know my family better.
Now that the visit is over, my mind reflects on my childhood. I told my mom several times how messed up it was for me, how painful a lot of the memories were and how frustrating it was for me growing up. I failed to tell her that I DO have many amazing memories of her and all the fun things we did together. I want her to know that I am grateful for the childhood I had and that I don't hold her responsible for the tragedies in my childhood.
She helped me grow my testimony and she always made sure I knew I was loved. I do remember all that she had to suffer along with us, and I am ever grateful for her strength, spirit, and unconditional love she always poured out on us. I love you, Mom.
Today I got to spend a full 8 hours with my mom. She is such an amazing woman. I wished that our time together would never end. It felt so good to see her smile. To see her eyes twinkle is one of the greatest blessings I have been given.
My heart broke when I realised how little she really gets to talk the way we talk when we get together. She has so much to share with me and I loved it. When she gets so excited to share some part of herself with me, it warms my heart.
Our conversation went from one end of the spectrum to the other. childhood, current events, dreams, and family affairs and plans for future included. My mother shared with me things about herself that she has never shared with another person. This means so much to me! That she was telling me things about herself that she has never told another person gave me such a special feeling. It gave me many insights into who that amazing woman is. I am grateful for the kinds of conversations I am able to have with her now. I attribute the change as another blessing of being in prison. The types of conversation I have in visitation rarely would occur if I were not in prison, so I am grateful for the chance to know my family better.
Now that the visit is over, my mind reflects on my childhood. I told my mom several times how messed up it was for me, how painful a lot of the memories were and how frustrating it was for me growing up. I failed to tell her that I DO have many amazing memories of her and all the fun things we did together. I want her to know that I am grateful for the childhood I had and that I don't hold her responsible for the tragedies in my childhood.
She helped me grow my testimony and she always made sure I knew I was loved. I do remember all that she had to suffer along with us, and I am ever grateful for her strength, spirit, and unconditional love she always poured out on us. I love you, Mom.
The Blessings of Adversity
June 11, 2011
This week had been a good one. I have realized that I started to rebel against the daily curriculum that God has set for me each day. I KNOW that every single think that happens to me is for my benefit and growth. Yet - it is SO easy to forget and focus on what I want it to be like!
I allowed a couple of adversities to take me out of my spiritual focus and the result was a loss of light in my life. Surprise! After a couple of days, this loss of light can really start manifesting itself in various ways. Probably one of the most powerful ways this is evident is in the lack of patience with others.
Being locked up in pod with 60 other guys, twenty plus hours a day has its own unique challenges. One of these is that you have to be around people that you would normally want to avoid! What I forgot is that these people are actually a blessing. They are here to provide me with many reminders to pray and seek the Spirit.
These individuals can only bless my life, unless I decide to rebel against the Light and try to press my own agenda of what I want my day to entail. If the Lord want to test me and provide me with opportunities for growth, who am I to argue??
I am grateful that He feels I am strong enough to handle more of the fire that refines the gold inside of me.
This week had been a good one. I have realized that I started to rebel against the daily curriculum that God has set for me each day. I KNOW that every single think that happens to me is for my benefit and growth. Yet - it is SO easy to forget and focus on what I want it to be like!
I allowed a couple of adversities to take me out of my spiritual focus and the result was a loss of light in my life. Surprise! After a couple of days, this loss of light can really start manifesting itself in various ways. Probably one of the most powerful ways this is evident is in the lack of patience with others.
Being locked up in pod with 60 other guys, twenty plus hours a day has its own unique challenges. One of these is that you have to be around people that you would normally want to avoid! What I forgot is that these people are actually a blessing. They are here to provide me with many reminders to pray and seek the Spirit.
These individuals can only bless my life, unless I decide to rebel against the Light and try to press my own agenda of what I want my day to entail. If the Lord want to test me and provide me with opportunities for growth, who am I to argue??
I am grateful that He feels I am strong enough to handle more of the fire that refines the gold inside of me.
Poem: Samara
June 6, 2011
Open your eyes and look around,
Look into the mirror to see what I've found.
A heart of gold and a diamond smile -
Seeing you unhappy is my biggest trial.
I love how you blossom and grow!
Let your BRILLIANCE shine and show!
All need to see that angel inside.
You are the one in whom I must confide,
Let me show you what you mean to me:
You're the lighthouse in my darkest storm.
You're my blanket, so fuzzy and warm,
As I wrap myself up in your love,
It carries me away, up high above;
Away from the demons lurking in plain sight.
Your love overcomes them with it's might.
When I am nearly lost in the night,
You rescue me, always doing what's right.
You're the ray of light, piercing the dark.
You're the arrow that never misses its mark.
You are always straight and true
Lifting me up, when I am blue.
I hope you hear what it is my saying,
With these words, hear what I'm praying,
You know that no matter what you do -
I will always be right here - loving you!
Open your eyes and look around,
Look into the mirror to see what I've found.
A heart of gold and a diamond smile -
Seeing you unhappy is my biggest trial.
I love how you blossom and grow!
Let your BRILLIANCE shine and show!
All need to see that angel inside.
You are the one in whom I must confide,
Let me show you what you mean to me:
You're the lighthouse in my darkest storm.
You're my blanket, so fuzzy and warm,
As I wrap myself up in your love,
It carries me away, up high above;
Away from the demons lurking in plain sight.
Your love overcomes them with it's might.
When I am nearly lost in the night,
You rescue me, always doing what's right.
You're the ray of light, piercing the dark.
You're the arrow that never misses its mark.
You are always straight and true
Lifting me up, when I am blue.
I hope you hear what it is my saying,
With these words, hear what I'm praying,
You know that no matter what you do -
I will always be right here - loving you!
Galations 5: 17
June 6, 2011
I had a good day today and I got a lot done. It seems like the past week I have been keeping myself compulsively busy, doing a lot of nothing. I'm not sure why I have been trying to keep myself distracted from the things on which I know I should be spending my time. Even though I still have 7.5 years left in prison, I am determined to take advantage of everyday. I believe that I can use this time to improve myself and make a positive contribution to others.
I decided today that I have not been paying attention to what "enticements" are keeping me away from doing all that I want to accomplish in the day. In my preparation for the Gospel lesson I a going to be giving this week, it really struck me that the natural man desires the opposite of what the Spirit desires.
With the Spirit, I have a peaceful, patient love that whispers peace and comfort to my heart. I always seem to have enlightened thoughts and ideas about how I can improve my spiritual focus. The more I am blessed with the companionship of the Holy ghost, the more creative I feel. I hope you all enjoy the poetry that has been posted. I never know what's going to pop out, when I listen to the Spirit.
I am excited for the coming week and I know I am going to improve on my performance from last week.
I had a good day today and I got a lot done. It seems like the past week I have been keeping myself compulsively busy, doing a lot of nothing. I'm not sure why I have been trying to keep myself distracted from the things on which I know I should be spending my time. Even though I still have 7.5 years left in prison, I am determined to take advantage of everyday. I believe that I can use this time to improve myself and make a positive contribution to others.
I decided today that I have not been paying attention to what "enticements" are keeping me away from doing all that I want to accomplish in the day. In my preparation for the Gospel lesson I a going to be giving this week, it really struck me that the natural man desires the opposite of what the Spirit desires.
I guess I still don't realize how consistently I need to be guarded against the desires of the natural man. Without the companionship of the Holy Ghost I am nothing but a prideful sinner who is full of himself and glories in the domination of others. Vain and arrogant, I would always lead myself right into the worse possible situations.
With the Spirit, I have a peaceful, patient love that whispers peace and comfort to my heart. I always seem to have enlightened thoughts and ideas about how I can improve my spiritual focus. The more I am blessed with the companionship of the Holy ghost, the more creative I feel. I hope you all enjoy the poetry that has been posted. I never know what's going to pop out, when I listen to the Spirit.
I am excited for the coming week and I know I am going to improve on my performance from last week.
My "Sunday"
June 1, 2011
Today was our little Church group's fast and testimony meeting. (They hold their church services on Wednesdays) I always love hearing these men share their testimonies. The Spirit was strong, even though I was falling asleep in my chair. Sometimes my sleeping schedule gets messed up and I end up awake all night and then feel like sleeping all day. I was exhausted, but didn't want to miss out on church.
This afternoon I got an intense workout and, after dinner, I was ready to fall asleep. Somehow, I was able to make it through the day without any naps, which seems to be my downfall. Without the naps, I'm hoping I won't wake up wide awake at 1 A.M.
It can be difficult to get into a good sleeping cycle because our recreation days always alternate from mornings to afternoons. That is so one pod won't always have the same schedule.
I feel like today was a good productive day. I am really looking forward to seeing my mom again. she should be coming to see me in about a month! I miss her so much. I am going to bed with a smile in my eyes and a prayer in my heart.
Tomorrow is going to be a great day!
Today was our little Church group's fast and testimony meeting. (They hold their church services on Wednesdays) I always love hearing these men share their testimonies. The Spirit was strong, even though I was falling asleep in my chair. Sometimes my sleeping schedule gets messed up and I end up awake all night and then feel like sleeping all day. I was exhausted, but didn't want to miss out on church.
This afternoon I got an intense workout and, after dinner, I was ready to fall asleep. Somehow, I was able to make it through the day without any naps, which seems to be my downfall. Without the naps, I'm hoping I won't wake up wide awake at 1 A.M.
It can be difficult to get into a good sleeping cycle because our recreation days always alternate from mornings to afternoons. That is so one pod won't always have the same schedule.
I feel like today was a good productive day. I am really looking forward to seeing my mom again. she should be coming to see me in about a month! I miss her so much. I am going to bed with a smile in my eyes and a prayer in my heart.
Tomorrow is going to be a great day!
Frustration
May 29, 2011
This past week has been quite the learning experience for me. I have dealt with several trying temptations. some I handled successfully, others I handled terribly. Basically I have spent the week trying to repent and to once again turn my heart and will over to my God.
I am so grateful that we have modern-day prophets to speak to us on the trials of our day. It was through the latest LDS General Conference talks that I was able to let go of the wheel, once again, and put my life back into the hands of my Savior. I still can't get over how blessed I am to be a member of the true church of God. I can be instructed by so much light in His gospel.
It breaks my heart when I think of all the souls who don't have what I have as a member of the true and living church. It also breaks my heart when i realize how foolish I am. I seem to be constantly throwing the light and truths that I KNOW to be true out of my life! I am such a prideful and rebellious soul!
I have decided to stop trying to guess what exactly I need to be doing each second of the day. I find this only leads me to feeling overwhelmed, followed by me falling off the path. I tend to obsess about details, and this leads to me trying to over think everything.
I have decided to let go and put it into the Lord's hands. I will let His Spirit whisper to what I need to be doing each day. If I fill my mind with too many details, I find it harder to hear the whispers of the Spirit. I am sorry it has been so long since my last update. I am going to make it point to update my journal more often.
This past week has been quite the learning experience for me. I have dealt with several trying temptations. some I handled successfully, others I handled terribly. Basically I have spent the week trying to repent and to once again turn my heart and will over to my God.
I am so grateful that we have modern-day prophets to speak to us on the trials of our day. It was through the latest LDS General Conference talks that I was able to let go of the wheel, once again, and put my life back into the hands of my Savior. I still can't get over how blessed I am to be a member of the true church of God. I can be instructed by so much light in His gospel.
It breaks my heart when I think of all the souls who don't have what I have as a member of the true and living church. It also breaks my heart when i realize how foolish I am. I seem to be constantly throwing the light and truths that I KNOW to be true out of my life! I am such a prideful and rebellious soul!
I have decided to stop trying to guess what exactly I need to be doing each second of the day. I find this only leads me to feeling overwhelmed, followed by me falling off the path. I tend to obsess about details, and this leads to me trying to over think everything.
I have decided to let go and put it into the Lord's hands. I will let His Spirit whisper to what I need to be doing each day. If I fill my mind with too many details, I find it harder to hear the whispers of the Spirit. I am sorry it has been so long since my last update. I am going to make it point to update my journal more often.
Effects of Lock Down
May 12, 2011
It felt so good to be able to go outside today and to exercise my body. After being locked down for three days straight, my body started missing its daily routines.
Mentally, it is tough to be locked inside a large room, day after day. I know I am blessed to be on a level three yard (medium security level). A few years ago they sent all new inmates to a level 4 yard (maximum security level). A level 4 yard means you are locked down 23hours/day. You only get to come out of your two man cell for an hour a day. A while back everyone had to spend their first couple of years on a level 4 yard.
Today reminded me of how grateful I am to be able to trust that the Lord will take care of me, if I am obedient to His commandments. When I decide to do what's right, at all costs, He always steps in and blesses me immensely.
It felt so good to be able to go outside today and to exercise my body. After being locked down for three days straight, my body started missing its daily routines.
Mentally, it is tough to be locked inside a large room, day after day. I know I am blessed to be on a level three yard (medium security level). A few years ago they sent all new inmates to a level 4 yard (maximum security level). A level 4 yard means you are locked down 23hours/day. You only get to come out of your two man cell for an hour a day. A while back everyone had to spend their first couple of years on a level 4 yard.
Today reminded me of how grateful I am to be able to trust that the Lord will take care of me, if I am obedient to His commandments. When I decide to do what's right, at all costs, He always steps in and blesses me immensely.
Lock Down and Chess
May 11, 2011
Today was a very good day. Since we are still locked down 24-7 because of the searches, ...
I have been able to develop some strong mental habits from the game. Spiritually, I notices that life is being more streamline and less "cluttered." I am grateful for the Spirit and the refining touches it brings to my daily life.
Today was a very good day. Since we are still locked down 24-7 because of the searches, ...
(Every three months the inmates are kept locked in their own pods while the guards do a search for contraband items and drugs. It lasts from three to four days. They have freedom of movement within their pod, but cannot go to classes, recreation, or other pods.)I spent most of the day playing chess. I have been studying a couple new chess books that I recently got and today was the first day that I was able to notice a difference in my play. A guy that I have been teaching chess came up to me and told that he was grateful for all the tips I have been teaching him because he was able to implement them successfully in his games today. He was really excited about seeing growth in his game. I was happy to be an instrument in helping to improve someones state of mind. It may seem strange, but I am very thankful for chess.
I have been able to develop some strong mental habits from the game. Spiritually, I notices that life is being more streamline and less "cluttered." I am grateful for the Spirit and the refining touches it brings to my daily life.
Friday, July 8, 2011
Thoughts on My Mom
May 2, 2011
With Mother's Day coming up, I can't help but think of how blessed I am to have such an amazing mother.
She has always been there for me. Even thought there were times when I told her I did not want her to be there for me, she always was. She taught me to love God. She continues to be my greatest example of what having a testimony of Christ looks like.
Since I have been focusing on being spiritually centered, I have been able to feel her sweet spirit more profoundly than ever before. I don't know how, but I never realized how deep my mother's testimony of our Savior ran. I am so grateful that my mother loves the Lord and is willing to go through so much that others may be comforted in their afflictions and adversities.
Growing up as the only boy in the family provided me with an extra close relationship with her. I was, and still am, a mama's boy. I couldn't imagine her not in my life. We are able to practically know each other's thoughts and feelings. Sometimes I write a question, only to have it answered in the next letter - which was written BEFORE my letter even gets to her. I have never been closer to another person, in terms of always being able to count on their "being there" for me.
I love you, Mom, and it is my prayer that you can see yourself as I see you:
1. A success in every possible way
2. A rock of faith
3. An example of a Latter-day Saint woman
You're amazing, Mom, and you deserve more than I could ever give you.
With Mother's Day coming up, I can't help but think of how blessed I am to have such an amazing mother.
She has always been there for me. Even thought there were times when I told her I did not want her to be there for me, she always was. She taught me to love God. She continues to be my greatest example of what having a testimony of Christ looks like.
Since I have been focusing on being spiritually centered, I have been able to feel her sweet spirit more profoundly than ever before. I don't know how, but I never realized how deep my mother's testimony of our Savior ran. I am so grateful that my mother loves the Lord and is willing to go through so much that others may be comforted in their afflictions and adversities.
Growing up as the only boy in the family provided me with an extra close relationship with her. I was, and still am, a mama's boy. I couldn't imagine her not in my life. We are able to practically know each other's thoughts and feelings. Sometimes I write a question, only to have it answered in the next letter - which was written BEFORE my letter even gets to her. I have never been closer to another person, in terms of always being able to count on their "being there" for me.
I love you, Mom, and it is my prayer that you can see yourself as I see you:
1. A success in every possible way
2. A rock of faith
3. An example of a Latter-day Saint woman
You're amazing, Mom, and you deserve more than I could ever give you.
Poem - Creator of the World
He is the life that brings us light.
He is the meaning of all that's right
In our darkest, blackest night.
He is a Star, shining ever so bright.
For us He put up such a fight!
He struggled with all His might.
He suffered and strained, but not in vain.
For us, He was beaten, hung, and slain.
Nothing can defeat Him, this is true.
There is nothing He wouldn't do
For the sake of me or you.
He offers us all that is His.
For us all, He died, and now He lives!
He is always holding out His hand,
Without Him, we are unable to stand.
Embrace His love and submit to Him;
Only then can we find forgiveness from sin.
Yield your hearts to the One who knows you best
So He can separate you from the rest.
Take His hand and walk with Him.
There is nowhere you're going that He hasn't been.
He is the light, and the way through life.
Only through Him is it worth the strife.
Awake and rise from the dust -
He is the One you must trust!
Please listen for Him calling your name!
Once you hear it, you will never be the same.
Matt Wright (April, 2011)
He is the meaning of all that's right
In our darkest, blackest night.
He is a Star, shining ever so bright.
For us He put up such a fight!
He struggled with all His might.
He suffered and strained, but not in vain.
For us, He was beaten, hung, and slain.
Nothing can defeat Him, this is true.
There is nothing He wouldn't do
For the sake of me or you.
He offers us all that is His.
For us all, He died, and now He lives!
He is always holding out His hand,
Without Him, we are unable to stand.
Embrace His love and submit to Him;
Only then can we find forgiveness from sin.
Yield your hearts to the One who knows you best
So He can separate you from the rest.
Take His hand and walk with Him.
There is nowhere you're going that He hasn't been.
He is the light, and the way through life.
Only through Him is it worth the strife.
Awake and rise from the dust -
He is the One you must trust!
Please listen for Him calling your name!
Once you hear it, you will never be the same.
Matt Wright (April, 2011)
Self Worth - What's It Made of?
April 22, 2011
Today has been an extremely enlightening day for me. I realized that my whole life I have been basing my self-worth on the Temporal World. My self-worth is really beyond measure. I am a child of God and He loves me unconditionally. I am beginning to realize that I don't need anything i this temporal world to contribute to my value as an individual. My value to Heavenly Father does not decrease, change, or falter. No matter what I do, or how I perform, He loves me, just the same. My worth is immeasurable.
I am trying to be focusing on being in the light as much as possible so I can feel his love for me more. I understand that for me to truly be able to see, feel, do and think as Christ would, then I first need to be able to feel that kind of love about myself first.
We cannot give a love we do not have. If we do not truly know our self-worth and truly experience our Father's endless love for us, how can we (in turn) give love to others? If all my self-worth is tied up in my temporal performance, how can I judge my brothers and sister otherwise? If being Number One in all that I do gives me a feeling of worth, then how am I going to feel about the guy that comes in last? Or a person that does not perform to my expectations? I am going to judge them based on what is important to me.
I am now realizing that all my life I have felt very little self-worth. I never really knew what love was. I'm talking about the true, unconditional love. Going thought this experience and looking back, I can see an example of this unconditional love in my life: my mother's love for me. she has always been there for me. she has loved me regardless of my performance, my actions - regardless of everything.
This is a new feeling for me and like everything else I am trying to integrate into my belief system, I know this is going to take time and effort to get these feelings rooted in my heart.
My desire in not to allow my self worth to be affected in any way by the temporal world. Allowing your self worth to be based on how well you do something, or on how poorly you do something else, gives Satan tools to use against you. Wanting the highest score on a test can be leveraged into putting something else before the Lord. When doing your best doesn't match the goal you set for yourself, what do you do? Something "outside" just came "inside" and you are beating yourself up over it.
Only when we have our self worth grounded completely in things spiritual do we have the ability to become Christ-like. We can, then, return the love we feel from Christ to others without judging them in any way. We will see them as Christ seeing us, beautiful and with value beyond measure. We will see ourselves the same way, and cut ourselves some slack when we don't reach our worldly goals.
How people see us is only how they see themselves. It's called projection. I am so excited to begin centering my self-worth on my Eternal Father's matchless love for me. there is nothing that could ever change how He feels about me. What do you think THAT tells me about my worth to Him?
Today has been an extremely enlightening day for me. I realized that my whole life I have been basing my self-worth on the Temporal World. My self-worth is really beyond measure. I am a child of God and He loves me unconditionally. I am beginning to realize that I don't need anything i this temporal world to contribute to my value as an individual. My value to Heavenly Father does not decrease, change, or falter. No matter what I do, or how I perform, He loves me, just the same. My worth is immeasurable.
I am trying to be focusing on being in the light as much as possible so I can feel his love for me more. I understand that for me to truly be able to see, feel, do and think as Christ would, then I first need to be able to feel that kind of love about myself first.
We cannot give a love we do not have. If we do not truly know our self-worth and truly experience our Father's endless love for us, how can we (in turn) give love to others? If all my self-worth is tied up in my temporal performance, how can I judge my brothers and sister otherwise? If being Number One in all that I do gives me a feeling of worth, then how am I going to feel about the guy that comes in last? Or a person that does not perform to my expectations? I am going to judge them based on what is important to me.
I am now realizing that all my life I have felt very little self-worth. I never really knew what love was. I'm talking about the true, unconditional love. Going thought this experience and looking back, I can see an example of this unconditional love in my life: my mother's love for me. she has always been there for me. she has loved me regardless of my performance, my actions - regardless of everything.
This is a new feeling for me and like everything else I am trying to integrate into my belief system, I know this is going to take time and effort to get these feelings rooted in my heart.
My desire in not to allow my self worth to be affected in any way by the temporal world. Allowing your self worth to be based on how well you do something, or on how poorly you do something else, gives Satan tools to use against you. Wanting the highest score on a test can be leveraged into putting something else before the Lord. When doing your best doesn't match the goal you set for yourself, what do you do? Something "outside" just came "inside" and you are beating yourself up over it.
Only when we have our self worth grounded completely in things spiritual do we have the ability to become Christ-like. We can, then, return the love we feel from Christ to others without judging them in any way. We will see them as Christ seeing us, beautiful and with value beyond measure. We will see ourselves the same way, and cut ourselves some slack when we don't reach our worldly goals.
How people see us is only how they see themselves. It's called projection. I am so excited to begin centering my self-worth on my Eternal Father's matchless love for me. there is nothing that could ever change how He feels about me. What do you think THAT tells me about my worth to Him?
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Night and Day Difference
March 26, 2011
I also had an interesting experience while playing cards with the usual group of guys. When we play cards, everyone usually harasses one another. One of the guys gets the brunt of the harassment. He is the same guy I offered to store out some cookies to a week or two ago with no tax.
They were giving him a hard time and he was just laughing it off, as usual. I then told him that I really cared about him and that if there was anything he ever needed, I would help him. He looked at me like I was crazy. I looked him right in the eye and said with conviction,"I'm serious." I had nothing but love in my heart. It got kind of quiet at the table for a moment, but I didn't care what any one thought.
I now have so much love in my heart; it is flowing out at unexpected times. He just kind of looked at me with an odd look and I looked away because I did not want him to feel uncomfortable. i had told him I was his friend and I was here to help him whenever he needed it. I was satisfied. The strangest thing was that it came out of nowhere. I felt like I just opened my mouth and words of support just couldn't be stopped. I had to express it.
I am so excited to be able to see with my new eyes. I am also starting to see that it might be a lonely place to be. There is so much spiritual darkness here. A lot of people are completely temporally focused.
I would never have been able to see the difference. The change has happened just recently. Now the difference is like night and day to me. I know I have a long way to go. I am just so grateful that I finally understand exactly what I am supposed to do and how to get where I want to go.
I also had an interesting experience while playing cards with the usual group of guys. When we play cards, everyone usually harasses one another. One of the guys gets the brunt of the harassment. He is the same guy I offered to store out some cookies to a week or two ago with no tax.
They were giving him a hard time and he was just laughing it off, as usual. I then told him that I really cared about him and that if there was anything he ever needed, I would help him. He looked at me like I was crazy. I looked him right in the eye and said with conviction,"I'm serious." I had nothing but love in my heart. It got kind of quiet at the table for a moment, but I didn't care what any one thought.
I now have so much love in my heart; it is flowing out at unexpected times. He just kind of looked at me with an odd look and I looked away because I did not want him to feel uncomfortable. i had told him I was his friend and I was here to help him whenever he needed it. I was satisfied. The strangest thing was that it came out of nowhere. I felt like I just opened my mouth and words of support just couldn't be stopped. I had to express it.
I am so excited to be able to see with my new eyes. I am also starting to see that it might be a lonely place to be. There is so much spiritual darkness here. A lot of people are completely temporally focused.
I would never have been able to see the difference. The change has happened just recently. Now the difference is like night and day to me. I know I have a long way to go. I am just so grateful that I finally understand exactly what I am supposed to do and how to get where I want to go.
Ackward Missionary Moment
March 26, 2011
Today has been an amazing day. I had an awesome missionary experience with a guy in my pod. It was the same guy that got into a fight with the little guy who used a lock in his sock.
He asked me if I was "Mormon." I told him I was. This is the second time he asked me this question, so my spiritual ears perked up immediately. I gave a quick prayer - "Father, I am grateful for this opportunity to testify of Thee and Thy Son. Please bless me with the Holy ghost so that I may know what to say."
He asked me if we believe that the righteous will rule the Earth. I told him that we do. I guessed he was talking about the Millennium. He then began to quote several scriptures that had reference to that, such as the Lord's Prayer and some in Isaiah. He told me that the Lord said the "meek shall inherit the Earth." He goes on to expand greatly on this subject. He mentioned that it was written that there will be a new heaven and a new earth.
It was fascinating to me how much this non-member had learned about the truths which are so plainly taught to us by modern scripture. In fact, he was teaching me. I would never have guessed that this guy knew the Bible so well and had been obviously doing some diligent study. I agreed with everything he was saying. I, then, felt prompted to ask if he knew anyone else who was a Mormon. He told me he did. It was one of the Spanish speaking brothers in our "ward." He said that this brother really knew a lot.
I immediately invited him to come to church with us. He kinda ignored the offer, but you can bet I am going to watch him like a hawk and I am going to pounce at the very first prompting i get from the Spirit to follow up on it. I bore a quick testimony to him and told him how impressed I was with how much be knew about the gospel.
Now - here is the real crazy part: All this happened in the shower. No, we don't have to group showers here, thankfully. They have shower stalls that are lined up along a wall and three people shower at once. they are separated by a wall about four feet high, and three feet away from the wall. There are five stalls total, but only three guys shower at the same time so that there is an empty stall next to each guy.
You never know when a chance to bear witness of the truthfulness of the gospel is going to appear. I am grateful that since I have been developing the habit of praying always, I was completely prepared to share the gospel and stand as a witness of Christ - even with two other guys. I know that sounds bad, but I was so excited to share the gospel, I didn't care one bit!
Today has been an amazing day. I had an awesome missionary experience with a guy in my pod. It was the same guy that got into a fight with the little guy who used a lock in his sock.
He asked me if I was "Mormon." I told him I was. This is the second time he asked me this question, so my spiritual ears perked up immediately. I gave a quick prayer - "Father, I am grateful for this opportunity to testify of Thee and Thy Son. Please bless me with the Holy ghost so that I may know what to say."
He asked me if we believe that the righteous will rule the Earth. I told him that we do. I guessed he was talking about the Millennium. He then began to quote several scriptures that had reference to that, such as the Lord's Prayer and some in Isaiah. He told me that the Lord said the "meek shall inherit the Earth." He goes on to expand greatly on this subject. He mentioned that it was written that there will be a new heaven and a new earth.
It was fascinating to me how much this non-member had learned about the truths which are so plainly taught to us by modern scripture. In fact, he was teaching me. I would never have guessed that this guy knew the Bible so well and had been obviously doing some diligent study. I agreed with everything he was saying. I, then, felt prompted to ask if he knew anyone else who was a Mormon. He told me he did. It was one of the Spanish speaking brothers in our "ward." He said that this brother really knew a lot.
I immediately invited him to come to church with us. He kinda ignored the offer, but you can bet I am going to watch him like a hawk and I am going to pounce at the very first prompting i get from the Spirit to follow up on it. I bore a quick testimony to him and told him how impressed I was with how much be knew about the gospel.
Now - here is the real crazy part: All this happened in the shower. No, we don't have to group showers here, thankfully. They have shower stalls that are lined up along a wall and three people shower at once. they are separated by a wall about four feet high, and three feet away from the wall. There are five stalls total, but only three guys shower at the same time so that there is an empty stall next to each guy.
You never know when a chance to bear witness of the truthfulness of the gospel is going to appear. I am grateful that since I have been developing the habit of praying always, I was completely prepared to share the gospel and stand as a witness of Christ - even with two other guys. I know that sounds bad, but I was so excited to share the gospel, I didn't care one bit!
Letter to Mom - Part Two
March 25, 2011
You are a spiritual giant, Mom. A perfect soul who was exceptionally faithful in the pre-mortal existence. You have already won, Mom. We just need to allow God to love us and place all our worth on His love. Every single day we live should be an amazing, awesome day! No matter what trials we come across, as long as we are spiritually centered and use those trials for what they were intended - spiritual growth.
The natural man tells us that we are not enough, that we are not doing it good enough, that we need to do better or that is not enough. Not enough! All God wants from us is progress! He doesn't care if we make mistakes, if we have trouble with addictions, if we are selfish at times. What matters is that we are trying to improve, that we are dedicated and determined to stay on that straight and narrow path - no matter what. He sees us making progress, no matter how small that progress may seem to us, it is enough for us to qualify for eternal life.
I love you so much, Mom. You have always shown me the kind of love that God has for us, so I know you know how much God loves you. Rejoice in the knowledge that we have the gospel in our lives, that we are on the path to eternal life, that we will be able to be together for all eternity as a family.
I am so grateful to have you as a mother. Whatever I did before to qualify for such a tremendous blessing must have been pretty awesome. Thank you, Mom, for your testimony. thank you for always seeing my true worth, even though I never did.
I can honestly say I never had any self-esteem, until now. What a glorious statement that is! I feel like I am worth something! I feel good about myself! the most important thing is that none of these feelings are tied to anything on the temporal level. I am starting to see my spiritual self for the very first time.
Now that I can see how god sees me, I can also see how God sees others. Now that I am starting to truly love myself as God loves me, I can start loving others the same way.
I hope you are smiling, Mom. I hope you know how much I love and appreciate you. without you I would be lost. Now that I have found the path, don't you think I am going to let you out of my sight even for a second! Don't you even think about wandering off! I got my eye on you, Mom-ster!
Thank you again, Momma, for everything. I love you.
You are a spiritual giant, Mom. A perfect soul who was exceptionally faithful in the pre-mortal existence. You have already won, Mom. We just need to allow God to love us and place all our worth on His love. Every single day we live should be an amazing, awesome day! No matter what trials we come across, as long as we are spiritually centered and use those trials for what they were intended - spiritual growth.
The natural man tells us that we are not enough, that we are not doing it good enough, that we need to do better or that is not enough. Not enough! All God wants from us is progress! He doesn't care if we make mistakes, if we have trouble with addictions, if we are selfish at times. What matters is that we are trying to improve, that we are dedicated and determined to stay on that straight and narrow path - no matter what. He sees us making progress, no matter how small that progress may seem to us, it is enough for us to qualify for eternal life.
I love you so much, Mom. You have always shown me the kind of love that God has for us, so I know you know how much God loves you. Rejoice in the knowledge that we have the gospel in our lives, that we are on the path to eternal life, that we will be able to be together for all eternity as a family.
I am so grateful to have you as a mother. Whatever I did before to qualify for such a tremendous blessing must have been pretty awesome. Thank you, Mom, for your testimony. thank you for always seeing my true worth, even though I never did.
I can honestly say I never had any self-esteem, until now. What a glorious statement that is! I feel like I am worth something! I feel good about myself! the most important thing is that none of these feelings are tied to anything on the temporal level. I am starting to see my spiritual self for the very first time.
Now that I can see how god sees me, I can also see how God sees others. Now that I am starting to truly love myself as God loves me, I can start loving others the same way.
I hope you are smiling, Mom. I hope you know how much I love and appreciate you. without you I would be lost. Now that I have found the path, don't you think I am going to let you out of my sight even for a second! Don't you even think about wandering off! I got my eye on you, Mom-ster!
Thank you again, Momma, for everything. I love you.
A Letter to Mom - Part One
March 25, 2011
The first thing I want to address is what I have learned about my Heavenly Father. I always felt like it was strange that we prayed to Him and not Christ. I always found myself wanting to talk to the Savior. I actually remember thinking, "What is the point in praying to the Father? It's the Son who does everything for us." I had no connection with the Father, but I could relate to Jesus. I was pretty much wholly focused on the Savior.
This is 100% the correct way to get into the telestial kingdom. It is not going to get me to the Celestial Kingdom. It is not about the Savior; it is about God, the Eternal Father. Even Christ, Himself, says that it all about the Father. He gives all the credit to Him. Everything He does is for the Father.
As shocking as it may seem, before the CD program "Becoming Spiritually Centered," that you sent me, I did not know my God. Now I do. I understand! I can feel my Father's love for me. My focus is on Him and nothing else. Anything less is not going to get me where I want to be.
I am being taught that anything we allow to create value in ourselves needs to come from God. If our self-worth is tied to anything else, it generates low feelings of self-worth. I now understand that that God loves us unconditionally. He loves me the same regardless of my performance. I am of equal worth to Him as the Savior. Christ is of equal worth to God as Lucifer is. Our Father in Heaven has a perfect love. My worth to Him is unmeasurable. Absolutely nothing will ever change my true worth. Nothing. The only thing that changes is MY ability to FEEL His love. When I walk in the light, I can feel His love for me.
I now am placing my self-worth on God's love for me and detaching myself from all those things that used to give me self=esteem. Things like winning, physical appearance, helping others, etc. Whenever we allow ANYTHING in this temporal world to value us, we are giving the Adversary a way to bring us down.
Everything we do needs to be dedicated to and done for God.
For example, do you feel bad that I am in prison? I heard you say "yes." Why? You know that the Lord has a plan for me and He is going to do whatever it takes to ensure I come back to Him. You should be rejoicing, Mom. You can't? Why not? Don't be temporally centered. See the situation as Christ sees it. Look with your spiritual eyes and you would be dancing for joy! Why feel sorrow for the pain I had to endure? You know that it was for my spiritual growth. You know it was God's way of helping me. Celebrate, Mom! Let go of the natural man's urges to be selfish and try to see things as God sees it. This is but a moment, Mom. God loves us, we are spiritual angels with worth unmeasurable.
I am opening my eyes and accepting God's love. I can feel it so strongly at times, it is almost overwhelming. Rejoice in this life with me, Mom. Your value is not based on how well you have raised us. It is not based on how well you can do bead work, or how well you teach, or how much you weigh. (to be continued)
The first thing I want to address is what I have learned about my Heavenly Father. I always felt like it was strange that we prayed to Him and not Christ. I always found myself wanting to talk to the Savior. I actually remember thinking, "What is the point in praying to the Father? It's the Son who does everything for us." I had no connection with the Father, but I could relate to Jesus. I was pretty much wholly focused on the Savior.
This is 100% the correct way to get into the telestial kingdom. It is not going to get me to the Celestial Kingdom. It is not about the Savior; it is about God, the Eternal Father. Even Christ, Himself, says that it all about the Father. He gives all the credit to Him. Everything He does is for the Father.
As shocking as it may seem, before the CD program "Becoming Spiritually Centered," that you sent me, I did not know my God. Now I do. I understand! I can feel my Father's love for me. My focus is on Him and nothing else. Anything less is not going to get me where I want to be.
I am being taught that anything we allow to create value in ourselves needs to come from God. If our self-worth is tied to anything else, it generates low feelings of self-worth. I now understand that that God loves us unconditionally. He loves me the same regardless of my performance. I am of equal worth to Him as the Savior. Christ is of equal worth to God as Lucifer is. Our Father in Heaven has a perfect love. My worth to Him is unmeasurable. Absolutely nothing will ever change my true worth. Nothing. The only thing that changes is MY ability to FEEL His love. When I walk in the light, I can feel His love for me.
I now am placing my self-worth on God's love for me and detaching myself from all those things that used to give me self=esteem. Things like winning, physical appearance, helping others, etc. Whenever we allow ANYTHING in this temporal world to value us, we are giving the Adversary a way to bring us down.
Everything we do needs to be dedicated to and done for God.
For example, do you feel bad that I am in prison? I heard you say "yes." Why? You know that the Lord has a plan for me and He is going to do whatever it takes to ensure I come back to Him. You should be rejoicing, Mom. You can't? Why not? Don't be temporally centered. See the situation as Christ sees it. Look with your spiritual eyes and you would be dancing for joy! Why feel sorrow for the pain I had to endure? You know that it was for my spiritual growth. You know it was God's way of helping me. Celebrate, Mom! Let go of the natural man's urges to be selfish and try to see things as God sees it. This is but a moment, Mom. God loves us, we are spiritual angels with worth unmeasurable.
I am opening my eyes and accepting God's love. I can feel it so strongly at times, it is almost overwhelming. Rejoice in this life with me, Mom. Your value is not based on how well you have raised us. It is not based on how well you can do bead work, or how well you teach, or how much you weigh. (to be continued)
The Lesson of the Cookies
March 16, 2011
Church was amazing. I felt the Spirit very strongly. The subject was the Atonement. I was able to comment and participate because I have been studying it recently. The stake president was also there for the first time; a glowing man, bubbling with the spirit. You can always tell who the stake presidents are. You could almost see the Holy ghost following him around.
Today was been an all around awesome day. I can tell the Spirit is working very strongly on me because I did some things today that surprised me.
First when "store" came (the items purchased from the prison commissary were delivered), I noticed that the new white guy that was moved in here about a week ago didn't get anything. I was impressed to go and give him a Ritz cracker pack. They are the little ones with six Ritz peanut butter crackers. At first, I second guessed myself and thought, "Oh that would be weird, I haven't even said so much as hi to the guy." Right after I thought that, I was immediately impressed again to give the guy one. At that point, I knew the Holy ghost was inspiring me to do something and I didn't hesitate to do it. I felt good doing it. I have to be honest, it felt foreign to me, being led by the Spirit. It has been longer than I can remember when I felt that exact kind of prompting. The Spirit confirmed to me that I was being directed.
Later that evening, I had another thought pop in my head out of nowhere. I remembered that my buddy, Jeremy, did not get any store for himself. He owed some people store and had to pay them back with everything he had ordered. This time I didn't hesitate; I just went over to him. I didn't know what I was going to say. I opened my mouth and out popped, "You didn't get any store for yourself, did you? He said that he didn't, that he had to pay everyone back. "I have some cookies that I could store out to you with no tax," I offered. He kinda looked at me like I was crazy. Everyone usually charges a "tax" (like you have to pay back the one your borrowed, plus one more) when they let someone borrow anything. "So, you have some cookies that you don't want?" he asked suspiciously. I got the feeling that he was really thrown off by my random offer to help him out. "I didn't say I didn't want them. But if you want some, just let me know," I told him, as I started to walk away.
As I was leaving, the new white guy (that I had given the crackers to) waved me over to his bunk. He lives in the bunk across from Jeremy. He wanted to tell me thank you for the crackers. We shook hands and I told him I knew how it was, just settling in, and seeing everyone get store when yo u had next to nothing. As I walked back to my bunk, I had the biggest smile on my heart. Nothing beats the feeling of knowing that the Lord is using you to do good. Today was another spiritual breakthrough for me. Now that I have a taste for being led by the Spirit, I am focusing even more on keeping Him with me always.
Church was amazing. I felt the Spirit very strongly. The subject was the Atonement. I was able to comment and participate because I have been studying it recently. The stake president was also there for the first time; a glowing man, bubbling with the spirit. You can always tell who the stake presidents are. You could almost see the Holy ghost following him around.
Today was been an all around awesome day. I can tell the Spirit is working very strongly on me because I did some things today that surprised me.
First when "store" came (the items purchased from the prison commissary were delivered), I noticed that the new white guy that was moved in here about a week ago didn't get anything. I was impressed to go and give him a Ritz cracker pack. They are the little ones with six Ritz peanut butter crackers. At first, I second guessed myself and thought, "Oh that would be weird, I haven't even said so much as hi to the guy." Right after I thought that, I was immediately impressed again to give the guy one. At that point, I knew the Holy ghost was inspiring me to do something and I didn't hesitate to do it. I felt good doing it. I have to be honest, it felt foreign to me, being led by the Spirit. It has been longer than I can remember when I felt that exact kind of prompting. The Spirit confirmed to me that I was being directed.
Later that evening, I had another thought pop in my head out of nowhere. I remembered that my buddy, Jeremy, did not get any store for himself. He owed some people store and had to pay them back with everything he had ordered. This time I didn't hesitate; I just went over to him. I didn't know what I was going to say. I opened my mouth and out popped, "You didn't get any store for yourself, did you? He said that he didn't, that he had to pay everyone back. "I have some cookies that I could store out to you with no tax," I offered. He kinda looked at me like I was crazy. Everyone usually charges a "tax" (like you have to pay back the one your borrowed, plus one more) when they let someone borrow anything. "So, you have some cookies that you don't want?" he asked suspiciously. I got the feeling that he was really thrown off by my random offer to help him out. "I didn't say I didn't want them. But if you want some, just let me know," I told him, as I started to walk away.
As I was leaving, the new white guy (that I had given the crackers to) waved me over to his bunk. He lives in the bunk across from Jeremy. He wanted to tell me thank you for the crackers. We shook hands and I told him I knew how it was, just settling in, and seeing everyone get store when yo u had next to nothing. As I walked back to my bunk, I had the biggest smile on my heart. Nothing beats the feeling of knowing that the Lord is using you to do good. Today was another spiritual breakthrough for me. Now that I have a taste for being led by the Spirit, I am focusing even more on keeping Him with me always.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Importance of Conversion (Part Two)
March 14, 2011
President Harold B. Lee said that our number one focus should be to become converted. He mentions that even Peter, our Lord's chief apostle, needed to be re-converted. Peter had a testimony that Jesus was the Son of God.
(Matt. 16: 13-17)
(Luke 22: 31-32)
I realize now that even though I feel strong, spiritual, healthy, and enlightened; I am not unstoppable. In fact, because of these things I am that much more of a target to the Adversary than before. When I am doing good and the Lord is blessing me, my guard is down. When I am going through trials and being afflicted with sorrow, grief and pain' I am actively striving to follow every commandment implicitly.
They call it the "pride cycle." The Book of Mormon shows us this cycle over and over. Now I am going to make sure that I am consistently humbling myself. I keep praying that the Lord will strengthen me in the trials I know will come again. I acknowledge that I am nothing without His saving grace. I realize that as soon as I let my pride take over and I start envisioning myself as "strong," I am really becoming weak.
Christ has said the first will be last and the last will be first. The sad thing is I ALWAYS want to be first in absolutely everything. My number one goal this month is to work on detaching myself from winning and having to be right. Please keep me in your prayers, I am going to need it!
President Harold B. Lee said that our number one focus should be to become converted. He mentions that even Peter, our Lord's chief apostle, needed to be re-converted. Peter had a testimony that Jesus was the Son of God.
(Matt. 16: 13-17)
13 When Jesus came into the coasts of Caesarea Philippi, he asked his disciples, saying, Whom do men say that I the Son of man am?
14 And they said, Some say that thou art John the Baptist: some, Elias; and others, Jeremias, or one of the prophets.Not even a year went by until Peter was rebuked by the Master and told that he needed to be converted again.
15 He saith unto them, But whom say ye that I am?
16 And Simon Peter answered and said, Thou art the Christ, the Son of the living God.
17 And Jesus answered and said unto him, Blessed art thou, Simon Barjona: for flesh and blood hath not revealed it unto thee, but my Father which is in heaven.
(Luke 22: 31-32)
31 And the Lord said, Simon, Simon, behold, Satan hath desired to have you, that he may sift you as wheat:Now if Peter had trouble staying converted how much more do all of us need to focus on maintaining our testimony and conversion? We must always be vigilant keeping the commandments so that we may be worthy of having the Holy Ghost there to warn us when Satan is about to throw a wrench into our spokes.
32 But I have prayed for thee, that thy faith fail not: and when thou art converted, strengthen thy brethren.
I realize now that even though I feel strong, spiritual, healthy, and enlightened; I am not unstoppable. In fact, because of these things I am that much more of a target to the Adversary than before. When I am doing good and the Lord is blessing me, my guard is down. When I am going through trials and being afflicted with sorrow, grief and pain' I am actively striving to follow every commandment implicitly.
They call it the "pride cycle." The Book of Mormon shows us this cycle over and over. Now I am going to make sure that I am consistently humbling myself. I keep praying that the Lord will strengthen me in the trials I know will come again. I acknowledge that I am nothing without His saving grace. I realize that as soon as I let my pride take over and I start envisioning myself as "strong," I am really becoming weak.
Christ has said the first will be last and the last will be first. The sad thing is I ALWAYS want to be first in absolutely everything. My number one goal this month is to work on detaching myself from winning and having to be right. Please keep me in your prayers, I am going to need it!
Importance of Conversion (Part One)
March 14, 2011
Today marks the 40th consecutive day of Operation Success. I will be starting 2 more actions tomorrow, bringing the total to nine. I can't believe the amount of change and improvement I have experienced in such a short amount of time. I can't even begin to fathom the results eight years of consistent action will produce. I have already experienced more benefits than I can count.
The past couple of days I have been focusing on inviting the Holy ghost into my day on a constant basis. As a result, I have been doing a lot of soul searching and reflecting back into my past. My understanding has been enlarged and I would like to share some of the "revelations" I have had about myself.
The first thing I realized is that I have never really focused on maintaining my testimony. There have been numerous times when I was "on fire," in regards to my zeal with the gospel. Yet, I seemed to keep forgetting to nurture that conviction and testimony Inevitably, something would throw a wrench in my spokes and I would be thrown into the dirt. I would, then, pick myself up, covered with filth, scratched and banged up. I would dust myself off and once the wounds were healed, set off again at full speed. I would make it only a short way down the road before I would crash again.
I can count four times in my life when this has happened. Each time started with me feeling so strong in the gospel. I would have told you that there was nothing that would be able to stop me. I was SO connected to the Lord. I can't even adequately express the amount of blessings which were poured upon each time I was "on fire." Each time started with me feeling as I do now...unstoppable.
Obviously, since I am now sitting in prison for the next eight years, and I have left a wake of destruction in my path, I wasn't really unstoppable.
Why did I fall each time? How can I prevent it from happening again? I realized that the testimony we have today may not be the testimony we have tomorrow. I failed to understand that it is something we must constantly seek to build up so that we may STAY converted.
I was caught up in all the amazing things that would happen in my life every time I was "re-converted." I then let my guard down and would ride out the amazing wave of joy my conversion created. when the wave played itself out, I found myself beached and the tests would resume and I would fall. You think I would have learned my lesson. I did get smart and I tried new things; but, in the end, I found myself left in the dark when my lamp ran out of oil.
Today marks the 40th consecutive day of Operation Success. I will be starting 2 more actions tomorrow, bringing the total to nine. I can't believe the amount of change and improvement I have experienced in such a short amount of time. I can't even begin to fathom the results eight years of consistent action will produce. I have already experienced more benefits than I can count.
The past couple of days I have been focusing on inviting the Holy ghost into my day on a constant basis. As a result, I have been doing a lot of soul searching and reflecting back into my past. My understanding has been enlarged and I would like to share some of the "revelations" I have had about myself.
The first thing I realized is that I have never really focused on maintaining my testimony. There have been numerous times when I was "on fire," in regards to my zeal with the gospel. Yet, I seemed to keep forgetting to nurture that conviction and testimony Inevitably, something would throw a wrench in my spokes and I would be thrown into the dirt. I would, then, pick myself up, covered with filth, scratched and banged up. I would dust myself off and once the wounds were healed, set off again at full speed. I would make it only a short way down the road before I would crash again.
I can count four times in my life when this has happened. Each time started with me feeling so strong in the gospel. I would have told you that there was nothing that would be able to stop me. I was SO connected to the Lord. I can't even adequately express the amount of blessings which were poured upon each time I was "on fire." Each time started with me feeling as I do now...unstoppable.
Obviously, since I am now sitting in prison for the next eight years, and I have left a wake of destruction in my path, I wasn't really unstoppable.
Why did I fall each time? How can I prevent it from happening again? I realized that the testimony we have today may not be the testimony we have tomorrow. I failed to understand that it is something we must constantly seek to build up so that we may STAY converted.
I was caught up in all the amazing things that would happen in my life every time I was "re-converted." I then let my guard down and would ride out the amazing wave of joy my conversion created. when the wave played itself out, I found myself beached and the tests would resume and I would fall. You think I would have learned my lesson. I did get smart and I tried new things; but, in the end, I found myself left in the dark when my lamp ran out of oil.
My Testimony
I absolutely love reading the scriptures. How else are we supposed to find out what we need to be doing to ensure Eternal Salvation. The scriptures are our instruction manual to heaven.
I would like to use this entry to bear my testimony to all readers and my family.
I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that Jesus Christ died so that we could live with out Father in heaven again.
I know that our Eternal Father loves us and everything that happens to us in this life is for our good. there is nothing that God cannot do for us, if we would just have the faith in Him and the courage to ask. God is a god of miracles. I know He continues to bless those that truly believe in Christ's admonition to "Ask, and ye shall receive" with miracles constantly.
I believe in the power of prayer. I know that whatever I ask the Lord, He will give me an answer, one way or another.
I know that the Book of Mormon is the word of God. I know, personally, that Joseph Smith was called by God to restore His church.
I know that even this very moment God is aware of me and knows my every need. I believe that it is His desire that we are happy. I am so grateful for His endless wisdom and for His endless mercy. I am so grateful that He sent His Beloved Son to suffer and die for my sins, so that I may be able to return to my Heavenly Father and be with my eternal family.
I am so grateful for my mother. She is truly an angel sent to keep me on the right path. I am grateful for her testimony and all that she has sacrificed for me.
I know that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is the true church of God. I have always known this, even though I did not always obey. I never have and never will be able to deny that this church is true and that a prophet of God leads it.
I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ.
I would like to use this entry to bear my testimony to all readers and my family.
I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that Jesus Christ died so that we could live with out Father in heaven again.
I know that our Eternal Father loves us and everything that happens to us in this life is for our good. there is nothing that God cannot do for us, if we would just have the faith in Him and the courage to ask. God is a god of miracles. I know He continues to bless those that truly believe in Christ's admonition to "Ask, and ye shall receive" with miracles constantly.
I believe in the power of prayer. I know that whatever I ask the Lord, He will give me an answer, one way or another.
I know that the Book of Mormon is the word of God. I know, personally, that Joseph Smith was called by God to restore His church.
I know that even this very moment God is aware of me and knows my every need. I believe that it is His desire that we are happy. I am so grateful for His endless wisdom and for His endless mercy. I am so grateful that He sent His Beloved Son to suffer and die for my sins, so that I may be able to return to my Heavenly Father and be with my eternal family.
I am so grateful for my mother. She is truly an angel sent to keep me on the right path. I am grateful for her testimony and all that she has sacrificed for me.
I know that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is the true church of God. I have always known this, even though I did not always obey. I never have and never will be able to deny that this church is true and that a prophet of God leads it.
I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ.
New Focus - 2 Corinthians 13:5-7
March 11, 2011
Hello again!
I wanted to start this entry with a prayer for all of those families in Japan that have lost a loved one in the tragic earthquake and resulting tsunami. My prayers go out to them.
A lot has happened since my last entry. Three days ago marked week six for Operation Success. I am still going strong and here in a few days I am going to be grading and revamping it.
Since I started this journal, I have made an effort to try and keep it as general as possible. I didn't not want to push away any readers because they might not agree with my spiritual beliefs. My core design for this journal is that others may learn from my experiences through my entries. I also desire to leave behind something that my beautiful son may be able to draw strength from, when he is older.
Having said that, I am going to shift the focus of this journal. I desire to share the spiritual truths I am learning in this, my journal of self-discovery. Every day that I study the scriptures I find new and exciting truths are revealed to me.
Now I would like to share with you the scripture I was led to today:
2 Corinthians 13:5-7. ( New Kings James version)
It says to examine ourselves as to whether we are in the faith. To test ourselves.
When I first read verse 5, I was really struck by the admonition to "test yourselves." At first, I thought, "Does that mean to put ourselves in a dangerous position and see if we choose the right?" Obviously, that is cleared up in verse 7. So, I started thinking about how we would test yourselves.
I am going to create such a test. Questions like:
Do you read your scriptures everyday?
Do you pray daily?
Do you pray everyday with your spouse?
Do you attend all three hours of church whenever possible?
Do you complete your visiting/home teaching assignments every month?
Do you keep ALL your language clean (no swearing) at all times?
Do you pay an honest tithe?
Do you make regular visits to the temple, if you are able to attend?
Are you actively involved in missionary work?
Have you talked about the church with a non-member in the last six months?
At least once a month, do you read/watch a talk from the last conference?
This list COULD go on and on.
Now, when I was thinking about taking such a test, I thought it would probably be very depressing to take it. Especially when most of us are going to be answering no to a lot of these "faith-proving" questions. So does that mean we are disqualified? Verse 7 clears that up as well.
We are not to appear qualified, but that we should strive to do what we know is right, to the best of OUR abilities., always remembering that we are lacking and in need of help.
By taking this test, it really brings into focus the things we need to be working on, as well as the fact that we absolutely need Jesus Christ to make up the rest for us. According to the test, we are lacking or "disqualified" According to our answers, we are NOT in the faith.
He is trying to tell us that no matter how weak we are, or how little we may be able to do, we will never be disqualified as long as Jesus Christ is in us. In verse 7, he is also telling us that we shouldn't be focusing on doing absolutely everything on that test so that we would "appear" approved. We need to focus on doing what is "honorable" or rather, what we know is right even though we know that we are lacking in so many areas.
Do we not think ourselves unworthy and therefore give ourselves an excuse NOT to act? Have you ever held back your testimony at Fast Sunday because you didn't "feel" worthy or "in the mood"? Have you ever not spoken up for something you know is right because you, yourself, have many weaknesses in other areas?
We need to except our weaknesses and rely on Jesus. We need to be focusing on doing what we know is right, even if we don't feel worthy enough to do so.
Hello again!
I wanted to start this entry with a prayer for all of those families in Japan that have lost a loved one in the tragic earthquake and resulting tsunami. My prayers go out to them.
A lot has happened since my last entry. Three days ago marked week six for Operation Success. I am still going strong and here in a few days I am going to be grading and revamping it.
Since I started this journal, I have made an effort to try and keep it as general as possible. I didn't not want to push away any readers because they might not agree with my spiritual beliefs. My core design for this journal is that others may learn from my experiences through my entries. I also desire to leave behind something that my beautiful son may be able to draw strength from, when he is older.
Having said that, I am going to shift the focus of this journal. I desire to share the spiritual truths I am learning in this, my journal of self-discovery. Every day that I study the scriptures I find new and exciting truths are revealed to me.
Now I would like to share with you the scripture I was led to today:
2 Corinthians 13:5-7. ( New Kings James version)
It says to examine ourselves as to whether we are in the faith. To test ourselves.
5. Examine yourselves as to whether you are in the faith. Test yourselves. Do you not know yourselves, that Jesus Christ is in you?—unless indeed you are disqualified. 6. But I trust that you will know that we are not disqualified.
7. Now I pray to God that you do no evil, not that we should appear approved, but that you should do what is honorable, though we may seem disqualified.
When I first read verse 5, I was really struck by the admonition to "test yourselves." At first, I thought, "Does that mean to put ourselves in a dangerous position and see if we choose the right?" Obviously, that is cleared up in verse 7. So, I started thinking about how we would test yourselves.
I am going to create such a test. Questions like:
Do you read your scriptures everyday?
Do you pray daily?
Do you pray everyday with your spouse?
Do you attend all three hours of church whenever possible?
Do you complete your visiting/home teaching assignments every month?
Do you keep ALL your language clean (no swearing) at all times?
Do you pay an honest tithe?
Do you make regular visits to the temple, if you are able to attend?
Are you actively involved in missionary work?
Have you talked about the church with a non-member in the last six months?
At least once a month, do you read/watch a talk from the last conference?
This list COULD go on and on.
Now, when I was thinking about taking such a test, I thought it would probably be very depressing to take it. Especially when most of us are going to be answering no to a lot of these "faith-proving" questions. So does that mean we are disqualified? Verse 7 clears that up as well.
We are not to appear qualified, but that we should strive to do what we know is right, to the best of OUR abilities., always remembering that we are lacking and in need of help.
By taking this test, it really brings into focus the things we need to be working on, as well as the fact that we absolutely need Jesus Christ to make up the rest for us. According to the test, we are lacking or "disqualified" According to our answers, we are NOT in the faith.
He is trying to tell us that no matter how weak we are, or how little we may be able to do, we will never be disqualified as long as Jesus Christ is in us. In verse 7, he is also telling us that we shouldn't be focusing on doing absolutely everything on that test so that we would "appear" approved. We need to focus on doing what is "honorable" or rather, what we know is right even though we know that we are lacking in so many areas.
Do we not think ourselves unworthy and therefore give ourselves an excuse NOT to act? Have you ever held back your testimony at Fast Sunday because you didn't "feel" worthy or "in the mood"? Have you ever not spoken up for something you know is right because you, yourself, have many weaknesses in other areas?
We need to except our weaknesses and rely on Jesus. We need to be focusing on doing what we know is right, even if we don't feel worthy enough to do so.
Family Support and Goals
March 2, 2011
Today I received a letter from both my mom and one of my sisters. It always makes my when I get mail. It was so good hearing from my mom. She is such an angel. I had not heard from her since she came to visit a couple of weeks ago. She is such an amazing support for me. I don't know what I would do without her. I love you, mom.
My sister is going to be visiting me again this Saturday. I can't wait to see her again. Just spending those few hours with her make this time go by so much easier. I feel badly for the people here who don't get anybody to visit them.
There is a guy in my pod who not only doesn't get any visits, but doesn't even get any mail from his family. When he first told me this, I assumed that his family must live out of state. I was wrong. They all live locally.
I am currently in the process of revamping Operation Success, prepping for round two. I am going to add a couple more actions to the core ones. The key for me is not to bite off too much at a time. For me, it is crucial not to get overwhelmed. I am excited about adding to and improving my habits even more. I believe there is no limit to the ends I can achieve through this program.
Today was an all around amazing day and I just want to acknowledge that without the Savior, none of this would be possible. It is His strength that uplifts and sustains me. I am nothing without Him.
Today I received a letter from both my mom and one of my sisters. It always makes my when I get mail. It was so good hearing from my mom. She is such an angel. I had not heard from her since she came to visit a couple of weeks ago. She is such an amazing support for me. I don't know what I would do without her. I love you, mom.
My sister is going to be visiting me again this Saturday. I can't wait to see her again. Just spending those few hours with her make this time go by so much easier. I feel badly for the people here who don't get anybody to visit them.
There is a guy in my pod who not only doesn't get any visits, but doesn't even get any mail from his family. When he first told me this, I assumed that his family must live out of state. I was wrong. They all live locally.
I am currently in the process of revamping Operation Success, prepping for round two. I am going to add a couple more actions to the core ones. The key for me is not to bite off too much at a time. For me, it is crucial not to get overwhelmed. I am excited about adding to and improving my habits even more. I believe there is no limit to the ends I can achieve through this program.
Today was an all around amazing day and I just want to acknowledge that without the Savior, none of this would be possible. It is His strength that uplifts and sustains me. I am nothing without Him.
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Day 27 of Operation Success
March 2, 2011
Today marks the completion of Operation Success. Yesterday was day 27. That does not mean it's over, just that the first five actions are now officially habits and now work to serve me. I can definitely feel the difference! My self-discipline, motivation, self-esteem, knowledge, skills, and desire to succeed have dramatically improved.
I am so thankful for our inherent ability to change, grow and overcome. I am especially thankful for our Savior's Atonement. His eternal sacrifice is what enables us all to overcome our mistakes and faults, to have a second chance at success.
I feel so richly blessed. So humbled that the Lord has seen fit to redeem me from the pits of despair. The path back is not easy. It was/is actually very painful, but oh, so worth it! If you would have told me three months ago that I would be where I am now, I would not have imagined it possible. Hopefully, not all of us have to travel through so much pain and sorrow as I created for myself. Just the changes I feel, that have been created inside me, in the past 27 days defy my wildest expectations.
The power to change is within us all.
Today marks the completion of Operation Success. Yesterday was day 27. That does not mean it's over, just that the first five actions are now officially habits and now work to serve me. I can definitely feel the difference! My self-discipline, motivation, self-esteem, knowledge, skills, and desire to succeed have dramatically improved.
I am so thankful for our inherent ability to change, grow and overcome. I am especially thankful for our Savior's Atonement. His eternal sacrifice is what enables us all to overcome our mistakes and faults, to have a second chance at success.
I feel so richly blessed. So humbled that the Lord has seen fit to redeem me from the pits of despair. The path back is not easy. It was/is actually very painful, but oh, so worth it! If you would have told me three months ago that I would be where I am now, I would not have imagined it possible. Hopefully, not all of us have to travel through so much pain and sorrow as I created for myself. Just the changes I feel, that have been created inside me, in the past 27 days defy my wildest expectations.
The power to change is within us all.
Summary of My Operation Success Actions
February 26, 2011
All five actions could be completed in 25-30 minutes, if you feel you are in a rush. You CAN break up those actions over the course of the day. There is really no excuse why this is not do-able for everyone. We always have time to do the things we WANT to do. If we didn't want to do them, we wouldn't...think about it. We choose HOW we spend our time, regardless of how many excuses we try and make for ourselves. As painful as this thought is, it is true. We choose each and every one of our actions.
I believe that power is action and it's time to start showing off some of your endless power by taking some positive actions. remember it is the consistency that counts. It's not how MUCH you can do, but how long you can KEEP DOING IT !! If you find yourself getting stressed out, take a deep breath, relax and remember to keep it simple. This is an endurance race, not a sprint.
All five actions could be completed in 25-30 minutes, if you feel you are in a rush. You CAN break up those actions over the course of the day. There is really no excuse why this is not do-able for everyone. We always have time to do the things we WANT to do. If we didn't want to do them, we wouldn't...think about it. We choose HOW we spend our time, regardless of how many excuses we try and make for ourselves. As painful as this thought is, it is true. We choose each and every one of our actions.
I believe that power is action and it's time to start showing off some of your endless power by taking some positive actions. remember it is the consistency that counts. It's not how MUCH you can do, but how long you can KEEP DOING IT !! If you find yourself getting stressed out, take a deep breath, relax and remember to keep it simple. This is an endurance race, not a sprint.
#5 Review Goal Chart
February 26, 2011
Last but not least is the goal chart. This action is absolutely crucial. this action has completely empowered me. Goals are our life's map to wherever we want to end up. If we don't have clear goal that we are reviewing every single day, we forget and lose focus.
It's like deciding you wanted to go on a cross-country road trip from Los Angeles to New York. It seems like a good idea and you get very excited about how amazing it would be to get to New York. You imagine the sights and sounds. You hop in your car and take off! Unfortunately, you don't have a map to New York in the car. You know vaguely where it is - you've seen a map. You know it's on the east coast, so you head off, going east.
Now, though trial and error, it IS possible that you will eventually wind up in New York. who knows how many wrong turns you would have taken on the highway. How much time was lost wandering around the countryside, searching for "the city that never sleeps"? More than likely, you would have given up and declared the trip pointless, after the first couple of times that you found yourself on the wrong road, in the wrong place.
Going through life without goals is just like driving across country without a map. You are always going somewhere; you just don't exactly where or how long it is going to take. Most people say, "I have goals!" When in actuality, only 10% of people have written goals. Until a goal is written down, it is just a dream. It is also critical that we are constantly thinking about our goals, to ensure that we are consistently working TOWARDS them.
I knew that by setting this action into a HABIT it would guarantee my goals would eventually become a reality. Every day I review them. I didn't want to be overwhelmed at first, so I only did a one month goal chart. Keeping it simple in the beginning was very important to me. It is easy to get overwhelmed when you are working against old habits, trying to create new ones.
Around the second week, I added a daily check list to this action. I noticed that my one month goal chart was less than half way finished. Just looking at the goal wasn't enough to get me into action.
The checklist enabled me to put a better time line on my monthly goals. At first I got a little overwhelmed because I felt too pressured to complete everything on my check list. I ALWAYS put way too many things on a daily to-do list. The nice thing is that the action states SPECIFICALLY "review" goal chart/checklist. This is a life saver because if i start to feel stressed out, I remind myself that even if I don't accomplish anything on my checklist, it's okay. The only thing I have to do is review them! So I get to take a deep breath and remind myself of the timeline involved with change and all the progress I have had so far.
Last but not least is the goal chart. This action is absolutely crucial. this action has completely empowered me. Goals are our life's map to wherever we want to end up. If we don't have clear goal that we are reviewing every single day, we forget and lose focus.
It's like deciding you wanted to go on a cross-country road trip from Los Angeles to New York. It seems like a good idea and you get very excited about how amazing it would be to get to New York. You imagine the sights and sounds. You hop in your car and take off! Unfortunately, you don't have a map to New York in the car. You know vaguely where it is - you've seen a map. You know it's on the east coast, so you head off, going east.
Now, though trial and error, it IS possible that you will eventually wind up in New York. who knows how many wrong turns you would have taken on the highway. How much time was lost wandering around the countryside, searching for "the city that never sleeps"? More than likely, you would have given up and declared the trip pointless, after the first couple of times that you found yourself on the wrong road, in the wrong place.
Going through life without goals is just like driving across country without a map. You are always going somewhere; you just don't exactly where or how long it is going to take. Most people say, "I have goals!" When in actuality, only 10% of people have written goals. Until a goal is written down, it is just a dream. It is also critical that we are constantly thinking about our goals, to ensure that we are consistently working TOWARDS them.
I knew that by setting this action into a HABIT it would guarantee my goals would eventually become a reality. Every day I review them. I didn't want to be overwhelmed at first, so I only did a one month goal chart. Keeping it simple in the beginning was very important to me. It is easy to get overwhelmed when you are working against old habits, trying to create new ones.
Around the second week, I added a daily check list to this action. I noticed that my one month goal chart was less than half way finished. Just looking at the goal wasn't enough to get me into action.
The checklist enabled me to put a better time line on my monthly goals. At first I got a little overwhelmed because I felt too pressured to complete everything on my check list. I ALWAYS put way too many things on a daily to-do list. The nice thing is that the action states SPECIFICALLY "review" goal chart/checklist. This is a life saver because if i start to feel stressed out, I remind myself that even if I don't accomplish anything on my checklist, it's okay. The only thing I have to do is review them! So I get to take a deep breath and remind myself of the timeline involved with change and all the progress I have had so far.
#4 Write Something!
February 26, 2011
I wanted to make sure that I didn't allow myself to grow detached from others. Spending most of your time locked up and away from the "real world" can have some pretty adverse effects on a person. Making sure I was always taking the time to write to my family was extremely important to me. I don't want to waste my time in here and one of my goals is to have a better relationship with my family. what better way to get to know them better than to write back and forth. I also LOVE getting mail and I figure that the more letters I write, the more I will receive.
I am thankful that I included this action because I can see an improvement in my desire to write. I tend to have a habit of withdrawing from people when I am under stress or having a "down" moment. Expressing myself comes a lot easier now and I feel more comfortable sharing my emotions, even if they are in turmoil.
Imagine if you took a little time every single day to write to someone you knew, even if it was just a little note. Over time you would have a much better relationship with them. You would know them better and they would feel a little bit of your love every time they heard from you. Letter equal time and time equals love.
If I had access to email, this action would be so effortless. It takes just a minute to whip up a little email note just letting the other person know you are thinking about them. And - emails are free!! There should be no excuses why you can't reach out and say "hi" once a day.
On those days that you absolutely don't feel like talking to anyone, these is always your journal. Even if it is only a short paragraph, it counts. It's not about how much you write, it's about conditioning your mind into developing a habit of communication. Once it becomes a habit, it does the work for you!
I wanted to make sure that I didn't allow myself to grow detached from others. Spending most of your time locked up and away from the "real world" can have some pretty adverse effects on a person. Making sure I was always taking the time to write to my family was extremely important to me. I don't want to waste my time in here and one of my goals is to have a better relationship with my family. what better way to get to know them better than to write back and forth. I also LOVE getting mail and I figure that the more letters I write, the more I will receive.
I am thankful that I included this action because I can see an improvement in my desire to write. I tend to have a habit of withdrawing from people when I am under stress or having a "down" moment. Expressing myself comes a lot easier now and I feel more comfortable sharing my emotions, even if they are in turmoil.
Imagine if you took a little time every single day to write to someone you knew, even if it was just a little note. Over time you would have a much better relationship with them. You would know them better and they would feel a little bit of your love every time they heard from you. Letter equal time and time equals love.
If I had access to email, this action would be so effortless. It takes just a minute to whip up a little email note just letting the other person know you are thinking about them. And - emails are free!! There should be no excuses why you can't reach out and say "hi" once a day.
On those days that you absolutely don't feel like talking to anyone, these is always your journal. Even if it is only a short paragraph, it counts. It's not about how much you write, it's about conditioning your mind into developing a habit of communication. Once it becomes a habit, it does the work for you!
#3 Breathing Mediatation
February 26, 2011
I have not really talked about this action very much. It is one of my favorites because it does not take very much time to do and I can do it whenever I want.
A lot of people are unaware how important and powerful proper breathing techniques are to their bodies. All of our bodies have a sort of "sewer system." It's called the lymph system. The lymph system's job is to pull toxins and pollutants from all over your body so they can be purged from your body altogether. Certain breathing techniques can activate the lymph system and keep your body naturally health and clean.
It sounds silly, but when I first got here I got sick three times in about a month. Each time lasted a couple of days, once up to a week. Before I got here I probably got sick once or twice a year. since I have started developing this habit, I have not been sick once. Even after changing facilities, which would have exposed me to a whole new "community" of germs. In fact it has worked so well that i am considering increasing this action from once a day to twice a day.
The proper way to breathe and activate your lymph system is described on Tony Robbins' web page.
It is important to fill your lungs to their full capacity when you inhale. Breath as deeply as possible without causing yourself any pain. You need to inhale through your nose and exhale through your mouth. Make sure you exhale completely. You want to get all the old air out before inhaling a new breath.
You will find that your lung capacity will increase the more you perform this action. I promise you that in time you will notice results in your health by simply taking a couple of minutes to aid your body in taking care of itself.
I have not really talked about this action very much. It is one of my favorites because it does not take very much time to do and I can do it whenever I want.
A lot of people are unaware how important and powerful proper breathing techniques are to their bodies. All of our bodies have a sort of "sewer system." It's called the lymph system. The lymph system's job is to pull toxins and pollutants from all over your body so they can be purged from your body altogether. Certain breathing techniques can activate the lymph system and keep your body naturally health and clean.
It sounds silly, but when I first got here I got sick three times in about a month. Each time lasted a couple of days, once up to a week. Before I got here I probably got sick once or twice a year. since I have started developing this habit, I have not been sick once. Even after changing facilities, which would have exposed me to a whole new "community" of germs. In fact it has worked so well that i am considering increasing this action from once a day to twice a day.
The proper way to breathe and activate your lymph system is described on Tony Robbins' web page.
It is important to fill your lungs to their full capacity when you inhale. Breath as deeply as possible without causing yourself any pain. You need to inhale through your nose and exhale through your mouth. Make sure you exhale completely. You want to get all the old air out before inhaling a new breath.
You will find that your lung capacity will increase the more you perform this action. I promise you that in time you will notice results in your health by simply taking a couple of minutes to aid your body in taking care of itself.
#2 Daily Prayer - Morning and Night
February 26, 2011
This habit is also very important. when I first wrote this action, I wanted to make sure I was praying both in the morning and evening. Originally it read "Daily Prayer." I knew that if I did not get specific about what I wanted to accomplish, somehow I would find an excuse to be lazy and skip a prayer or two. Writing "morning and night" WITH the action ensured I would have no loopholes.
The benefits this actions has given me are numerous as well. I feel a dramatic increase in the desire to pray. I feel more comfortable praying. there is a strong peace that comes over me when I pray now. I have been able to receive answers like I did in the past.
I have been thinking how I can improve on this habit and I have been considering doing a prayer list. I'm not sure, yet, what form it will take, but I want to have something that will help me focus on what I want and who needs help. I am still trying to work out the details.
This habit is also very important. when I first wrote this action, I wanted to make sure I was praying both in the morning and evening. Originally it read "Daily Prayer." I knew that if I did not get specific about what I wanted to accomplish, somehow I would find an excuse to be lazy and skip a prayer or two. Writing "morning and night" WITH the action ensured I would have no loopholes.
The benefits this actions has given me are numerous as well. I feel a dramatic increase in the desire to pray. I feel more comfortable praying. there is a strong peace that comes over me when I pray now. I have been able to receive answers like I did in the past.
I have been thinking how I can improve on this habit and I have been considering doing a prayer list. I'm not sure, yet, what form it will take, but I want to have something that will help me focus on what I want and who needs help. I am still trying to work out the details.
#1 Study the Gospel and Christ's Life
February 26, 2011
To me this is, by far, the most critical habit to have. When I wrote this action, I wanted it to be more than just reading a chapter or two of scripture. More than just reading a talk or doing a scripture study guide. I wanted to make sure I was focusing on the end result I was trying to achieve by developing this habit. That end result was to better know my Savior. We only get answers as specific as the questions we ask. I made sure that there was the distinction to also study Christ's life.
This involves two actions for me. I either do a chapter in one of my study guides, read a conference talk from the Ensign or read a couple of chapters from the scriptures (of my own choice). then I read a chapter from Jesus, the Christ, by James Talmadge.
Once I complete both of those actions, I can cross it off my list. It was important for me to have some flexibility, especially when I first started the program. If I wasn't feeling super-spiritual and I didn't want to take the time to do a lesson from the study guides, I could always just read a conference talk. the whole thing only takes about 10-15 minutes.
The results I have felt by doing this consistently the past 25 days are nothing short of amazing. I have had some amazing spiritual experiences. I have had a missionary moment. I have felt the spirit stronger at church. I have become more involved in the lessons at church. the frequency that the Savior enters my thoughts throughout the day has drastically increased. I believe that is mainly due to the fact that I am making a daily consistent effort to focus on His life.
I could go on and on about the benefits of this habit. It is absolutely critical that we read from the instruction books of Eternal Life. Try it.
To me this is, by far, the most critical habit to have. When I wrote this action, I wanted it to be more than just reading a chapter or two of scripture. More than just reading a talk or doing a scripture study guide. I wanted to make sure I was focusing on the end result I was trying to achieve by developing this habit. That end result was to better know my Savior. We only get answers as specific as the questions we ask. I made sure that there was the distinction to also study Christ's life.
This involves two actions for me. I either do a chapter in one of my study guides, read a conference talk from the Ensign or read a couple of chapters from the scriptures (of my own choice). then I read a chapter from Jesus, the Christ, by James Talmadge.
Once I complete both of those actions, I can cross it off my list. It was important for me to have some flexibility, especially when I first started the program. If I wasn't feeling super-spiritual and I didn't want to take the time to do a lesson from the study guides, I could always just read a conference talk. the whole thing only takes about 10-15 minutes.
The results I have felt by doing this consistently the past 25 days are nothing short of amazing. I have had some amazing spiritual experiences. I have had a missionary moment. I have felt the spirit stronger at church. I have become more involved in the lessons at church. the frequency that the Savior enters my thoughts throughout the day has drastically increased. I believe that is mainly due to the fact that I am making a daily consistent effort to focus on His life.
I could go on and on about the benefits of this habit. It is absolutely critical that we read from the instruction books of Eternal Life. Try it.
Explaining My Five Goals in Operation Success
February 26, 2011
I am still going strong in Operation Success. Currently I am on Day 25! Truly my commitment to success has enabled me to reach the current state of happiness I am now enjoying. In fact, others are now asking me about it because they can actually see the change in my countenance.
It is my goal to challenge my family to start their own Operation success. I believe success is the ongoing process of striving to become more. It is critical that on a daily basis we stand guard at the door of our mind. If we don't focus in life on what we want, then we will get whatever happens to come our way. Unfortunately, it is usually exactly what we have been spending so much effort trying to avoid.
I wanted to go over the five actions I focused on when I started Operation Success. Hopefully, this might give you a better insight on how these habits serve me now.
I am still going strong in Operation Success. Currently I am on Day 25! Truly my commitment to success has enabled me to reach the current state of happiness I am now enjoying. In fact, others are now asking me about it because they can actually see the change in my countenance.
It is my goal to challenge my family to start their own Operation success. I believe success is the ongoing process of striving to become more. It is critical that on a daily basis we stand guard at the door of our mind. If we don't focus in life on what we want, then we will get whatever happens to come our way. Unfortunately, it is usually exactly what we have been spending so much effort trying to avoid.
I wanted to go over the five actions I focused on when I started Operation Success. Hopefully, this might give you a better insight on how these habits serve me now.
Thank You!
February 26, 2011
I want to thank anybody and every body who has taken the time to read my journal up to this point. I know time is valuable. I am grateful if you have invested some yours in me. It is my prayer that each of you will be able to take away something that you can use and apply in your own lives. Things that might help you avoid some of the mistakes I have made in my life. They say a smart man learns from his mistakes, but a wise man learns from the mistakes of others.
I want to thank anybody and every body who has taken the time to read my journal up to this point. I know time is valuable. I am grateful if you have invested some yours in me. It is my prayer that each of you will be able to take away something that you can use and apply in your own lives. Things that might help you avoid some of the mistakes I have made in my life. They say a smart man learns from his mistakes, but a wise man learns from the mistakes of others.
Blessings Pouring Upon My Head
February 26, 2011
Today was another amazing day. My sister came to visit me and we has a wonderful time playing rummy cube while we talked. I have missed her so much. I can't believe it has only been about two weeks since we last visited. It was absolutely invigorating to share the spirit with her. You would not believe how much it means to inmates to have some contact with the "real' world. Especially when it is your loved ones offering their unconditional love and support. It makes the time that much more manageable.
I finally had the opportunity to share my dream with someone in person. It was such a relief to be able to communicate what I experienced with more than just the written word! Also, since my last entry about the dream I had, I have received more "answers" concerning the meaning of certain things. I was able to share that most precious experience with my beloved sister. Being able to share it with her and get her reaction, firsthand, really hit something home for me. It is next to impossible for someone else to truly grasp what I experienced. I wish I could just express what that emotion felt like so they could understand, or even have an idea what I am talking about.
It is like finding a treasure that is beautiful beyond all description. A treasure that is the most beautiful thing you have ever seen, more beautiful than anything you ever imagined. The only problem is that this treasure is only visible to you; to all else it is invisible, no matter how well you try to explain the glorious beauty you see. Unless they can behold the treasure for themselves, they can never comprehend it.
I feel so blessed! I am filled with such joy and love. I am so excited for the future. My life is being bombarded with blessings of such magnitude that I can only shake my head in awe at the endless mercy of our God has for His children. I feel that I am the most undeserving of His blessings.
Blessed is not even a strong enough word. I feel like the floodgates of heaven have opened and blessings are falling upon me in a gushing torrent of love. Me. Here.
Today was another amazing day. My sister came to visit me and we has a wonderful time playing rummy cube while we talked. I have missed her so much. I can't believe it has only been about two weeks since we last visited. It was absolutely invigorating to share the spirit with her. You would not believe how much it means to inmates to have some contact with the "real' world. Especially when it is your loved ones offering their unconditional love and support. It makes the time that much more manageable.
I finally had the opportunity to share my dream with someone in person. It was such a relief to be able to communicate what I experienced with more than just the written word! Also, since my last entry about the dream I had, I have received more "answers" concerning the meaning of certain things. I was able to share that most precious experience with my beloved sister. Being able to share it with her and get her reaction, firsthand, really hit something home for me. It is next to impossible for someone else to truly grasp what I experienced. I wish I could just express what that emotion felt like so they could understand, or even have an idea what I am talking about.
It is like finding a treasure that is beautiful beyond all description. A treasure that is the most beautiful thing you have ever seen, more beautiful than anything you ever imagined. The only problem is that this treasure is only visible to you; to all else it is invisible, no matter how well you try to explain the glorious beauty you see. Unless they can behold the treasure for themselves, they can never comprehend it.
I feel so blessed! I am filled with such joy and love. I am so excited for the future. My life is being bombarded with blessings of such magnitude that I can only shake my head in awe at the endless mercy of our God has for His children. I feel that I am the most undeserving of His blessings.
Blessed is not even a strong enough word. I feel like the floodgates of heaven have opened and blessings are falling upon me in a gushing torrent of love. Me. Here.
Battling My Temper
February 23, 2011
The biggest trigger I am trying to wrestle down right now is my temper. It seems like some of the smallest things will just set me off. Here I am, having a fantastic morning. I have reviewed my to-do list for the day and I am mentally planning out my perfect day. Everything is going great. No negative thoughts. A few stray one try and creep in there, but I catch them quickly and shoo them off. Then something happens, so quickly that I am not able to catch it before it sets off my temper. there go my thoughts racing away. They are only doing what I have conditioned them to do.
Before, I was really prideful and I thought people OWNED me respect. OK, who are we kidding. I am still really prideful, but I am trying to fix that.
The more time a person spends paying attention to exactly what is going on up there in his head, in my case, the more you see things that you really don't like. I recognized things that I know have caused tremendous pain in my life. When I realized that it is within my grasp to change my thinking completely, I was infused with such a powerful sense of confidence and hope.
Confidence that I could gain control of my life and the hope that with my thoughts I could create anything I want in my life. Christ said, " As a man thinketh, so is he." Thoughts, like anything else we do, turn into habits. When we decide we want to change, we need to make sure we are aware of the timetable involved. It takes 27 days to make a habits, good OR bad.
The results I am getting from Operation Success have infused me with the confidence I am going to need to tackle my thoughts. I believe I can do this. I know I can do this. My ultimate goal is to condition my mind to be 100% of any and all types of negativity. To be 100% free of judgment. I believe it is possible and I know, in time, I will achieve this. If I can do this while locked away in prison for the next 8 years then none of you have any excuses.
Monday is going to be the first day of Opertion Success for a friend of mine in my pod. I am really excited about sharing this with others. He is excited to give it a shot. Really, what does he have to loose?
I am so grateful for all my blessings and all the gifts the Lord has bestowed upon me. this life is but a moment and the only things we take with us are our relationships and knowledge gained. Let's not waste another day.
The biggest trigger I am trying to wrestle down right now is my temper. It seems like some of the smallest things will just set me off. Here I am, having a fantastic morning. I have reviewed my to-do list for the day and I am mentally planning out my perfect day. Everything is going great. No negative thoughts. A few stray one try and creep in there, but I catch them quickly and shoo them off. Then something happens, so quickly that I am not able to catch it before it sets off my temper. there go my thoughts racing away. They are only doing what I have conditioned them to do.
Before, I was really prideful and I thought people OWNED me respect. OK, who are we kidding. I am still really prideful, but I am trying to fix that.
The more time a person spends paying attention to exactly what is going on up there in his head, in my case, the more you see things that you really don't like. I recognized things that I know have caused tremendous pain in my life. When I realized that it is within my grasp to change my thinking completely, I was infused with such a powerful sense of confidence and hope.
Confidence that I could gain control of my life and the hope that with my thoughts I could create anything I want in my life. Christ said, " As a man thinketh, so is he." Thoughts, like anything else we do, turn into habits. When we decide we want to change, we need to make sure we are aware of the timetable involved. It takes 27 days to make a habits, good OR bad.
The results I am getting from Operation Success have infused me with the confidence I am going to need to tackle my thoughts. I believe I can do this. I know I can do this. My ultimate goal is to condition my mind to be 100% of any and all types of negativity. To be 100% free of judgment. I believe it is possible and I know, in time, I will achieve this. If I can do this while locked away in prison for the next 8 years then none of you have any excuses.
Monday is going to be the first day of Opertion Success for a friend of mine in my pod. I am really excited about sharing this with others. He is excited to give it a shot. Really, what does he have to loose?
I am so grateful for all my blessings and all the gifts the Lord has bestowed upon me. this life is but a moment and the only things we take with us are our relationships and knowledge gained. Let's not waste another day.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
The Power of Thought
All we really own is our thoughts. Everything we ARE, up to this point, is the result of our thoughts. Our future is going to be decided by our thoughts. Every action we ever made was a thought first. i know I often "act without thinking," so to speak; but in reality, that action was a habitual response to the thoughts that had turned it into a powerful habit. Wow, huh?
The key is to harness our thoughts, of course, and then drive in the direction we want to go. It's amazing how many habitual thought patterns we have. You don't really notice them until you become aware of what you are thinking. Some outside trigger sets off your habitual thinking patterns, and you realize that your thoughts just take off on their own. Sometimes they are called "old tapes." One thing happens, and they get set off, dragging you along.
The key is to harness our thoughts, of course, and then drive in the direction we want to go. It's amazing how many habitual thought patterns we have. You don't really notice them until you become aware of what you are thinking. Some outside trigger sets off your habitual thinking patterns, and you realize that your thoughts just take off on their own. Sometimes they are called "old tapes." One thing happens, and they get set off, dragging you along.
Give Everything, Expect Nothing
Feb 23, 2011
The past week has been amazing. So many wonderful events packed into one week! I got to see my mother and sister. I made some mental breakthroughs and I had an amazing dream. Most of my prayers were answered in a way I thought had been lost to me.
Today marks the end of week 3 of Operation Success and I feel absolutely amazing! It's funny how its always around the third week that you can really start feeling the results of change. I feel so mentally healthy. everything is just coming together for me. It's been SO long since I have felt this mentally fit. the last time I can remember feeling like this is right before I met my son's mother. Back then I was 100 % positive and I had massive amounts of self-discipline.
My mentality back then was something I had been working on for a couple of years. I called it "Give everything, Expect nothing." I know that sounds odd, but it really produced results.
The idea was that when it came to my relationships with people, I was going to give them everything I had, expecting nothing in return. If you expect noting for your efforts, you can't be let down or disappointed! I did the things I did for people because I felt good serving them. I did the things that made me happy. the amazing thing is that when you truly give someone something and REALLY expect nothing in return (no ulterior motives); they always give back more than you could possibly imagine.
I have begun to understand a little more about why I had such tremendous success with that belief system. It all comes down to gratitude and positive thoughts without judgement.
The past week has been amazing. So many wonderful events packed into one week! I got to see my mother and sister. I made some mental breakthroughs and I had an amazing dream. Most of my prayers were answered in a way I thought had been lost to me.
Today marks the end of week 3 of Operation Success and I feel absolutely amazing! It's funny how its always around the third week that you can really start feeling the results of change. I feel so mentally healthy. everything is just coming together for me. It's been SO long since I have felt this mentally fit. the last time I can remember feeling like this is right before I met my son's mother. Back then I was 100 % positive and I had massive amounts of self-discipline.
My mentality back then was something I had been working on for a couple of years. I called it "Give everything, Expect nothing." I know that sounds odd, but it really produced results.
The idea was that when it came to my relationships with people, I was going to give them everything I had, expecting nothing in return. If you expect noting for your efforts, you can't be let down or disappointed! I did the things I did for people because I felt good serving them. I did the things that made me happy. the amazing thing is that when you truly give someone something and REALLY expect nothing in return (no ulterior motives); they always give back more than you could possibly imagine.
I have begun to understand a little more about why I had such tremendous success with that belief system. It all comes down to gratitude and positive thoughts without judgement.
Additions to Operation Success
Feb 19, 2011
I came up with some additional actions for my list and improved the existing one. I added:
#6 - Work out every afternoon recreation period
#7 - Practice speed reading for 30 minutes
I also added a checklist to #5 - Review goal chart/checklist
I came up with some additional actions for my list and improved the existing one. I added:
#6 - Work out every afternoon recreation period
#7 - Practice speed reading for 30 minutes
I also added a checklist to #5 - Review goal chart/checklist
My Dream Interpretation
Feb 19, 2011
The day after I had the dream, I knew the only way I was going to know what he was trying to tell me was to pray and ask. I have always been blessed with the Lord answering my prayers in a very direct way. That was when I was living a life completely worthy of getting His answers.
I was nervous about praying this time because I didn't feel worthy the way I had before. I did know that I have been working on walking the right path. I had made efforts to do everything that would make me worthy again. I knew it was a righteous desire. I also figured that the Lord wouldn't have given me the dream if He didn't want me to know what He was trying to tell me.
I knew that god has the power to do anything He wants. If we believe He can, then He will. So I prayed.
The answers came so quickly that I was surprised and greatly humbled. They came strong and sure, exactly as they have been before. I was overjoyed in the fact that I was having a conversation with my Father in Heaven once again, just like I had experienced before. His answers were for me and special to me, but I will share with those whom ask.
The day after I had the dream, I knew the only way I was going to know what he was trying to tell me was to pray and ask. I have always been blessed with the Lord answering my prayers in a very direct way. That was when I was living a life completely worthy of getting His answers.
I was nervous about praying this time because I didn't feel worthy the way I had before. I did know that I have been working on walking the right path. I had made efforts to do everything that would make me worthy again. I knew it was a righteous desire. I also figured that the Lord wouldn't have given me the dream if He didn't want me to know what He was trying to tell me.
I knew that god has the power to do anything He wants. If we believe He can, then He will. So I prayed.
The answers came so quickly that I was surprised and greatly humbled. They came strong and sure, exactly as they have been before. I was overjoyed in the fact that I was having a conversation with my Father in Heaven once again, just like I had experienced before. His answers were for me and special to me, but I will share with those whom ask.
The Dream
Feb 19, 2011
Two days ago I had a very unusual dream. Only one other time in my life have I had a dream like this before. In this dream I was in a dark house searching for my son's mother. It was a two-story house and I knew that she lived downstairs. For some reason, there was only one way downstairs and somehow I also knew that this dark house had been designed for that purpose. I had the strangest feeling that I needed to find her.
I knew some time had passed while I was contemplating this house. I then was aware that she had just moved into a bedroom upstairs, in the hallway that led to the only entrance downstairs. That entrance had been inaccessible to me before. I immediately set off to go to her room. The door I thought should be hers was locked. I looked one door to the left and to my surprise, she was standing there in the doorway. I was surprised because I didn't expect her to know I was coming. I had the distinct feeling that she had been waiting for me.
I rush into the room and embrace her. I remember that I kept hugging her and this emotion I can't describe washed over me. This emotion was so consuming and overpowering. I have never felt an emotion like this before. When it hit me, I looked up to tell her something - and I woke up gasping!!
The emotion was still coursing through me. When I realized where I was, I was devastated. The pain was tremendous. I was dumbfounded at what I had just experienced. It was so real but even more than that was HOW it felt. Words can't describe the feelings I had. It was unfathomable. such a profound feeling that was stronger than any drug, stronger than any positive emotion I had ever felt.
The next day, as I pondered my dream, I began to realize that it was a message from God. There was only one other time I had dreamt that vividly; that had been a message to me at that time, too.
My mother often tells me that she has dreams about me. The funny thing is that when she contacts me and asks about what she saw in her dreams, she is always right. I know God can talk to us through our dreams. I just have not had much experience with it before. I am grateful that He is always aware of us and is willing to talk to us in whatever ways we understand.
Two days ago I had a very unusual dream. Only one other time in my life have I had a dream like this before. In this dream I was in a dark house searching for my son's mother. It was a two-story house and I knew that she lived downstairs. For some reason, there was only one way downstairs and somehow I also knew that this dark house had been designed for that purpose. I had the strangest feeling that I needed to find her.
I knew some time had passed while I was contemplating this house. I then was aware that she had just moved into a bedroom upstairs, in the hallway that led to the only entrance downstairs. That entrance had been inaccessible to me before. I immediately set off to go to her room. The door I thought should be hers was locked. I looked one door to the left and to my surprise, she was standing there in the doorway. I was surprised because I didn't expect her to know I was coming. I had the distinct feeling that she had been waiting for me.
I rush into the room and embrace her. I remember that I kept hugging her and this emotion I can't describe washed over me. This emotion was so consuming and overpowering. I have never felt an emotion like this before. When it hit me, I looked up to tell her something - and I woke up gasping!!
The emotion was still coursing through me. When I realized where I was, I was devastated. The pain was tremendous. I was dumbfounded at what I had just experienced. It was so real but even more than that was HOW it felt. Words can't describe the feelings I had. It was unfathomable. such a profound feeling that was stronger than any drug, stronger than any positive emotion I had ever felt.
The next day, as I pondered my dream, I began to realize that it was a message from God. There was only one other time I had dreamt that vividly; that had been a message to me at that time, too.
My mother often tells me that she has dreams about me. The funny thing is that when she contacts me and asks about what she saw in her dreams, she is always right. I know God can talk to us through our dreams. I just have not had much experience with it before. I am grateful that He is always aware of us and is willing to talk to us in whatever ways we understand.
The Second Visit
February 19, 2011
This week has gone well. It's had its ups and downs, as normal, but I am finding that continuing to work on Operation Success, I am able to focus on the positive more readily.
The second visit with my mom and sister went great. We were able to enjoy each others company and share our love with each other with understanding. I made sure to do my best and focus on making sure my mom felt special. We all played Rummy Cube together. My sister and I are very competitive. My mom just enjoys playing games and spending time with us. We were each able to win a game.
I know I still have a long way to go when it comes to my prideful nature. Sometimes it is so hard for me to let some of the smallest things go. If I think I am right about something, I am willing to start a war over it. It's foolish most of the time, especially considering the target of my argument is of little significance to begin with.
When my temper dies down, I look back puzzled because I realize how foolish it was to make an issue of something so small. I do this a lot when I play games. I guess I always feel that I need to be correct in my logic. I feel sorry for anyone who wishes to try and prove me wrong. I hang on tenaciously to my ideals. I guess that could be a good thing when it comes to things that are spiritual in nature. I just wish I was not so quick to react sometimes. That is the ADHD in me.
After the visit, the week went by pretty quickly. the only thing that set me back a bit was not getting any mail this whole week. I have only gotten two letters in the last three weeks. I better start writing more letters.
This week has gone well. It's had its ups and downs, as normal, but I am finding that continuing to work on Operation Success, I am able to focus on the positive more readily.
The second visit with my mom and sister went great. We were able to enjoy each others company and share our love with each other with understanding. I made sure to do my best and focus on making sure my mom felt special. We all played Rummy Cube together. My sister and I are very competitive. My mom just enjoys playing games and spending time with us. We were each able to win a game.
I know I still have a long way to go when it comes to my prideful nature. Sometimes it is so hard for me to let some of the smallest things go. If I think I am right about something, I am willing to start a war over it. It's foolish most of the time, especially considering the target of my argument is of little significance to begin with.
When my temper dies down, I look back puzzled because I realize how foolish it was to make an issue of something so small. I do this a lot when I play games. I guess I always feel that I need to be correct in my logic. I feel sorry for anyone who wishes to try and prove me wrong. I hang on tenaciously to my ideals. I guess that could be a good thing when it comes to things that are spiritual in nature. I just wish I was not so quick to react sometimes. That is the ADHD in me.
After the visit, the week went by pretty quickly. the only thing that set me back a bit was not getting any mail this whole week. I have only gotten two letters in the last three weeks. I better start writing more letters.
My First Visit
February 13, 2011
Yesterday I had my first visit. My mother and sister brought my new niece with them to see me. It was so nice seeing them and at the same time it was extremely difficult juggling all the different emotions that were rushing through me.
It broke my heart to see my Mom. To look into her eyes and see all the pain that was there. Knowing it was my foolish actions that that have brought more pain and stress into her life.
The visit was going great until I over-reacted to some news that my mother had given away some of my possessions to my son's mother. I proceeded to get upset and it brought my mother to tears.
How foolish and self absorbed I was acting. After talking it out and trying to remove my foot from my mouth; I, of course, realized she had made the correct decision - as always. My son needed clothes and since I was no longer able to support them, they were in desperate straits.
Before I got arrested, I had a sales job that not only paid me ridiculous amounts of money, but also enabled me to spend my time as I desired. And it was totally legal. Unfortunately, the wealth went completely to my head. I started putting a lot of value on material things. I am completely irresponsible with money. My family always had limited income and after my parent's divorce, we were truly poor. It wasn't a good combination for handling the enormous amounts of money I was earning.
When I was arrested and taken into custody, I lost a lot of my belongings and somewhere deep inside I was still tenuously clinging on to what little I had left.
I wish I had kept my mouth shut but as usual my mouth goes faster than my brain. I was upset and it felt like I had just lost something extremely important. After I had mended things the best I could, or rather after my sister helped put things into prospective, we were able to enjoy the rest of our visit. After they left, I went back to my dorm. I felt devastated. I was angry and disappointed in myself.
I had not seen or spoken to my sister in over three months. My mom, longer. My mom doesn't even live in the same state as where I am now. She had spent a lot of time traveling to see me. to see her hurt like that broke my heart.
It caused me to do a lot of soul searching to find the root of my behavior. I wanted to pull out whatever had caused the problem. I did not realize, before, how much value I was STILL placing on wealth and material things.
My life as I had known it ended when I was arrested. I knew I was being given a second chance at life. it was a message to me that I needed to give up the world and my worldly desires and embrace the Lord completely. My life now belonged to Him. I know it always has belonged to God but by my actions I was serving a different master. Now I know that God was letting me know that there was still a little bit I needed to give up. I needed to stop placing my self-worth in things ans start placing it in service and my family. Ninety-eight percent is not enough. It has to be everything. Your whole entire heart needs to be committed to God and completely detached from things of this world.
I know that at one time in my life I completely understood the feelings of surrendering everything to God. I can't believe I have since forgotten how it feels. Scary and satisfying at the same time. There is a different level of peace and comfort that comes after the anxiety of that leap of faith. I am thankful for the lesson. i just wish it didn't have to come at my mother's expense.
I am hoping that they will be able to visit me again Monday. I am going to do everything I can to make sure my mother knows she is loved and appreciated. It will be her day, not mine. I just want to hold her hand and let her tell me about everything her little heart desires. I am going to encourage her to express all she has been bottling up in anticipation of seeing me.
Yesterday I could tell she was just so anxious to share and relate with me and I didn't take the time or effort to acknowledge everything she was trying to share. (We are all ADD/ADHD, so it is always a race to see who can talk first! Lol!)
Tomorrow will be her day. She will know I value her words because I an going to listen. I am going to ask questions about what she is talking about so that she knows I am listening. I am going to always look into her eyes when she is talking to me so she can see the love I have for her. I am not going to talk about myself because these visits are not for me. I am going to hold her hand and tell her I love her. Not just with words, but most importantly, with my actions.
Yesterday I had my first visit. My mother and sister brought my new niece with them to see me. It was so nice seeing them and at the same time it was extremely difficult juggling all the different emotions that were rushing through me.
It broke my heart to see my Mom. To look into her eyes and see all the pain that was there. Knowing it was my foolish actions that that have brought more pain and stress into her life.
The visit was going great until I over-reacted to some news that my mother had given away some of my possessions to my son's mother. I proceeded to get upset and it brought my mother to tears.
How foolish and self absorbed I was acting. After talking it out and trying to remove my foot from my mouth; I, of course, realized she had made the correct decision - as always. My son needed clothes and since I was no longer able to support them, they were in desperate straits.
Before I got arrested, I had a sales job that not only paid me ridiculous amounts of money, but also enabled me to spend my time as I desired. And it was totally legal. Unfortunately, the wealth went completely to my head. I started putting a lot of value on material things. I am completely irresponsible with money. My family always had limited income and after my parent's divorce, we were truly poor. It wasn't a good combination for handling the enormous amounts of money I was earning.
When I was arrested and taken into custody, I lost a lot of my belongings and somewhere deep inside I was still tenuously clinging on to what little I had left.
I wish I had kept my mouth shut but as usual my mouth goes faster than my brain. I was upset and it felt like I had just lost something extremely important. After I had mended things the best I could, or rather after my sister helped put things into prospective, we were able to enjoy the rest of our visit. After they left, I went back to my dorm. I felt devastated. I was angry and disappointed in myself.
I had not seen or spoken to my sister in over three months. My mom, longer. My mom doesn't even live in the same state as where I am now. She had spent a lot of time traveling to see me. to see her hurt like that broke my heart.
It caused me to do a lot of soul searching to find the root of my behavior. I wanted to pull out whatever had caused the problem. I did not realize, before, how much value I was STILL placing on wealth and material things.
My life as I had known it ended when I was arrested. I knew I was being given a second chance at life. it was a message to me that I needed to give up the world and my worldly desires and embrace the Lord completely. My life now belonged to Him. I know it always has belonged to God but by my actions I was serving a different master. Now I know that God was letting me know that there was still a little bit I needed to give up. I needed to stop placing my self-worth in things ans start placing it in service and my family. Ninety-eight percent is not enough. It has to be everything. Your whole entire heart needs to be committed to God and completely detached from things of this world.
I know that at one time in my life I completely understood the feelings of surrendering everything to God. I can't believe I have since forgotten how it feels. Scary and satisfying at the same time. There is a different level of peace and comfort that comes after the anxiety of that leap of faith. I am thankful for the lesson. i just wish it didn't have to come at my mother's expense.
I am hoping that they will be able to visit me again Monday. I am going to do everything I can to make sure my mother knows she is loved and appreciated. It will be her day, not mine. I just want to hold her hand and let her tell me about everything her little heart desires. I am going to encourage her to express all she has been bottling up in anticipation of seeing me.
Yesterday I could tell she was just so anxious to share and relate with me and I didn't take the time or effort to acknowledge everything she was trying to share. (We are all ADD/ADHD, so it is always a race to see who can talk first! Lol!)
Tomorrow will be her day. She will know I value her words because I an going to listen. I am going to ask questions about what she is talking about so that she knows I am listening. I am going to always look into her eyes when she is talking to me so she can see the love I have for her. I am not going to talk about myself because these visits are not for me. I am going to hold her hand and tell her I love her. Not just with words, but most importantly, with my actions.
Friday, March 4, 2011
Father, Fast Reading and Family
February 9, 2011
Today I got a letter from my father. we haven't talked in over 15 years. In fact, I have little to no memory of him from my childhood. It's like I grew up basically without a father. I decided since I have so much time on my hands, I should use some of it to get to know him.
It was pretty strange reading a letter from a man I know nothing about, but who is my father. It was short and he offered his support to me. I am looking forward to finding out if we have anything in common.
Today was also the first day of a 7-day speed-reading program I started. The results blew me away. Today I read two books (about 600 pages together) in about an hour and a half! Everyone I have talking to about this is amazed at the amount of pages I read, but assumes that I must have comprehended very little of what I read. The TRULY amazing part of it was that I was able to comprehend just about EVERY thing in the second book and most of the first book!
I am so excited about my new found speed-reading ability. I'm practically bouncing off the walls. Usually when I am really excited about something I get really animated when I talk about it. People usually just kind of look at me like I am crazy. I am extremely enthusiastic when it comes to self-improvement. I just can't ever get enough of it and I have a burning desire to share all of my successes with everyone else. I figure, if it brings that much joy and helps to improve the quality of my life, then it should do the same for others, right? I mean - how awesome is it to be able to speed-read!
My mind is reeling with all the potential knowledge I can cram into my head in a tenth of the normal reading time. I am ADHD and for some reason, I seem to get way more out of reading using these new techniques than I did reading the old way. The trick I am learning is how to read down the center of the page, instead of reading from right to left.
You can bet that I am going to be telling everyone about this. How many people do you think I can get to take this 7-day program? I will update my progress. I already have one guy super excited about it, too.
I am still going strong on Operation Success. I believe this is day 6. Only 22 more days until they officially become habits. Remembering to accomplish all of them is becoming easier and I am loving not only all the writing I am doing, but also all the spiritual growth I have been experiencing. By staying consistent to not only the daily scripture study, but also taking the time each day to specifically study Jesus Christ.
Church is allowed to be held on Wednesdays in here. I am noticed that I could feel the Spirit stronger and I felt more like I had a direction in my spiritual path of progress.
Another thing that is making a difference is the breathing techniques and meditation I am doing. I have not talked about this much. I read about a way you can control your breathing to activate the body's lymph system in one of Tony Robbins' books. The lymphatic system works with the circulation system and immune system. It's basically a waste transportation system. By breathing a certain way, you can "jump start" it, in a way.
Being locked up, my concern with my health and the desire to preserve my body has increased dramatically - as I am sure you can imagine. Being around some many people, constantly in a closed environment, is pretty much a breeding ground for disease. The last thing you want is to get really sick in prison.
Tony Robbins said if you do this breathing exercise two times a day, once in the morning and once at night, you will be supercharging your immune system. It helps your body accelerate its process of purging toxins.
The key is 1-4-2.
Breath in for 1 count
Hold for 4 counts
Breath out for 2 counts
For example – if you were to breath in for four seconds, then you would hold your breath for sixteen seconds and then breath out for eight. You wold want to do this about 10 times.
I have had a few people try this exercise and they have gotten sick right away. this is because their body's waste system is being charged up and starting. There are a lot of toxins in our bodies and they need to be eliminated. Staying consistent and developing this into a habit will be one of my core strategies to maintaining my health.
I knew I should obviously include daily exercise, but lately I have just been lazy when it comes to that. today I finally was able to get my "real" shoes. I am going to run a couple of laps this weekend, if my visit does not go through.
In prison, the issue you these really crappy deck shoes that last about three months. they have no support in them and are very painful to walk in and next to impossible to run with. I was told that during the summer months, they melt.
We have a Commissary in prison where you can purchase additional, prison approved items if you have money on the "books." Now that I have some real shoes, I am more motivated to get out there and start building up my cardio. the only thing that would prevent me from running this Saturday is if I get a visit from my family in the morning. It will be my first visit ever since I have been here. I am so excited to talk to someone who is not a felon.
My whole family is visiting near by these first two weeks of February. All of my sisters had babies in the last five months of 2010. I am sure they are having a blast together. I think it is a blessing that they had them so close together.
It goes without saying that my family is my lifeline. I'm ashamed to admit I completely took them for granted before I self-destructed my life. we were always close, at least we were what I THOUGHT was close, at the time. Now that I am in prison, we have become closer than I ever dreamed possible. I had no idea I was so loved and cherished by my family. It was unfortunate that it took something like this to facilitate it, but I am so grateful that we are close now. This life is but the blink of an eye and the only thing we are taking with us, when we leave it, is our relationships.
Make sure you take the time to tell your family that you love them. Love equals time. Write an email. Make a phone call. talk only about them. I am terrible about constantly talking about myself. People love to talk about themselves, so give them the blessing of asking them questions so they can do just that. I promise you, it will make their day. They might even be curious as to why you are suddenly so interested in them!
I want to end this day with a prayer in my heart that we can all take a moment this week and express our thanks to our loved ones, by giving them the one thing they want most...our attention.
Today I got a letter from my father. we haven't talked in over 15 years. In fact, I have little to no memory of him from my childhood. It's like I grew up basically without a father. I decided since I have so much time on my hands, I should use some of it to get to know him.
It was pretty strange reading a letter from a man I know nothing about, but who is my father. It was short and he offered his support to me. I am looking forward to finding out if we have anything in common.
Today was also the first day of a 7-day speed-reading program I started. The results blew me away. Today I read two books (about 600 pages together) in about an hour and a half! Everyone I have talking to about this is amazed at the amount of pages I read, but assumes that I must have comprehended very little of what I read. The TRULY amazing part of it was that I was able to comprehend just about EVERY thing in the second book and most of the first book!
I am so excited about my new found speed-reading ability. I'm practically bouncing off the walls. Usually when I am really excited about something I get really animated when I talk about it. People usually just kind of look at me like I am crazy. I am extremely enthusiastic when it comes to self-improvement. I just can't ever get enough of it and I have a burning desire to share all of my successes with everyone else. I figure, if it brings that much joy and helps to improve the quality of my life, then it should do the same for others, right? I mean - how awesome is it to be able to speed-read!
My mind is reeling with all the potential knowledge I can cram into my head in a tenth of the normal reading time. I am ADHD and for some reason, I seem to get way more out of reading using these new techniques than I did reading the old way. The trick I am learning is how to read down the center of the page, instead of reading from right to left.
You can bet that I am going to be telling everyone about this. How many people do you think I can get to take this 7-day program? I will update my progress. I already have one guy super excited about it, too.
I am still going strong on Operation Success. I believe this is day 6. Only 22 more days until they officially become habits. Remembering to accomplish all of them is becoming easier and I am loving not only all the writing I am doing, but also all the spiritual growth I have been experiencing. By staying consistent to not only the daily scripture study, but also taking the time each day to specifically study Jesus Christ.
Church is allowed to be held on Wednesdays in here. I am noticed that I could feel the Spirit stronger and I felt more like I had a direction in my spiritual path of progress.
Another thing that is making a difference is the breathing techniques and meditation I am doing. I have not talked about this much. I read about a way you can control your breathing to activate the body's lymph system in one of Tony Robbins' books. The lymphatic system works with the circulation system and immune system. It's basically a waste transportation system. By breathing a certain way, you can "jump start" it, in a way.
Being locked up, my concern with my health and the desire to preserve my body has increased dramatically - as I am sure you can imagine. Being around some many people, constantly in a closed environment, is pretty much a breeding ground for disease. The last thing you want is to get really sick in prison.
Tony Robbins said if you do this breathing exercise two times a day, once in the morning and once at night, you will be supercharging your immune system. It helps your body accelerate its process of purging toxins.
The key is 1-4-2.
Breath in for 1 count
Hold for 4 counts
Breath out for 2 counts
For example – if you were to breath in for four seconds, then you would hold your breath for sixteen seconds and then breath out for eight. You wold want to do this about 10 times.
I have had a few people try this exercise and they have gotten sick right away. this is because their body's waste system is being charged up and starting. There are a lot of toxins in our bodies and they need to be eliminated. Staying consistent and developing this into a habit will be one of my core strategies to maintaining my health.
I knew I should obviously include daily exercise, but lately I have just been lazy when it comes to that. today I finally was able to get my "real" shoes. I am going to run a couple of laps this weekend, if my visit does not go through.
In prison, the issue you these really crappy deck shoes that last about three months. they have no support in them and are very painful to walk in and next to impossible to run with. I was told that during the summer months, they melt.
We have a Commissary in prison where you can purchase additional, prison approved items if you have money on the "books." Now that I have some real shoes, I am more motivated to get out there and start building up my cardio. the only thing that would prevent me from running this Saturday is if I get a visit from my family in the morning. It will be my first visit ever since I have been here. I am so excited to talk to someone who is not a felon.
My whole family is visiting near by these first two weeks of February. All of my sisters had babies in the last five months of 2010. I am sure they are having a blast together. I think it is a blessing that they had them so close together.
It goes without saying that my family is my lifeline. I'm ashamed to admit I completely took them for granted before I self-destructed my life. we were always close, at least we were what I THOUGHT was close, at the time. Now that I am in prison, we have become closer than I ever dreamed possible. I had no idea I was so loved and cherished by my family. It was unfortunate that it took something like this to facilitate it, but I am so grateful that we are close now. This life is but the blink of an eye and the only thing we are taking with us, when we leave it, is our relationships.
Make sure you take the time to tell your family that you love them. Love equals time. Write an email. Make a phone call. talk only about them. I am terrible about constantly talking about myself. People love to talk about themselves, so give them the blessing of asking them questions so they can do just that. I promise you, it will make their day. They might even be curious as to why you are suddenly so interested in them!
I want to end this day with a prayer in my heart that we can all take a moment this week and express our thanks to our loved ones, by giving them the one thing they want most...our attention.
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