My First Visit

February 13, 2011

Yesterday I had my first visit. My mother and sister brought my new niece with them to see me. It was so nice seeing them and at the same time it was extremely difficult juggling all the different emotions that were rushing through me.
It broke my heart to see my Mom. To look into her eyes and see all the pain that was there. Knowing it was my foolish actions that that have brought more pain and stress into her life.
The visit was going great until I over-reacted to some news that my mother had given away some of my possessions to my son's mother. I proceeded to get upset and it brought my mother to tears.
How foolish and self absorbed I was acting. After talking it out and trying to remove my foot from my mouth; I, of course, realized she had made the correct decision - as always. My son needed clothes and since I was no longer able to support them, they were in desperate straits.
Before I got arrested, I had a sales job that not only paid me ridiculous amounts of money, but also enabled me to spend my time as I desired. And it was totally legal. Unfortunately, the wealth went completely to my head. I started putting a lot of value on material things. I am completely irresponsible with money. My family always had limited income and after my parent's divorce, we were truly poor. It wasn't a good combination for handling the enormous amounts of money I was earning.
When I was arrested and taken into custody, I lost a lot of my belongings and somewhere deep inside I was still tenuously clinging on to what little I had left.
I wish I had kept my mouth shut but as usual my mouth goes faster than my brain. I was upset and it felt like I had just lost something extremely important. After I had mended things the best I could, or rather after my sister helped put things into prospective, we were able to enjoy the rest of our visit. After they left, I went back to my dorm. I felt devastated. I was angry and disappointed in myself.

I had not seen or spoken to my sister in over three months. My mom, longer. My mom doesn't even live in the same state as where I am now. She had spent a lot of time traveling to see me. to see her hurt like that broke my heart.

It caused me to do a lot of soul searching to find the root of my behavior. I wanted to pull out whatever had caused the problem. I did not realize, before, how much value I was STILL placing on wealth and material things.

My life as I had known it ended when I was arrested. I knew I was being given a second chance at life. it was a message to me that I needed to give up the world and my worldly desires and embrace the Lord completely. My life now belonged to Him. I know it always has belonged to God but by my actions I was serving a different master. Now I know that God was letting me know that there was still a little bit I needed to give up. I needed to stop placing my self-worth in things ans start placing it in service and my family. Ninety-eight percent is not enough. It has to be everything. Your whole entire heart needs to be committed to God and completely detached from things of this world.

I know that at one time in my life I completely understood the feelings of surrendering everything to God. I can't believe I have since forgotten how it feels. Scary and satisfying at the same time. There is a different level of peace and comfort that comes after the anxiety of that leap of faith. I am thankful for the lesson. i just wish it didn't have to come at my mother's expense.

I am hoping that they will be able to visit me again Monday. I am going to do everything I can to make sure my mother knows she is loved and appreciated. It will be her day, not mine. I just want to hold her hand and let her tell me about everything her little heart desires. I am going to encourage her to express all she has been bottling up in anticipation of seeing me.

Yesterday I could tell she was just so anxious to share and relate with me and I didn't take the time or effort to acknowledge everything she was trying to share. (We are all ADD/ADHD, so it is always a race to see who can talk first! Lol!)

Tomorrow will be her day. She will know I value her words because I an going to listen. I am going to ask questions about what she is talking about so that she knows I am listening. I am going to always look into her eyes when she is talking to me so she can see the love I have for her. I am not going to talk about myself because these visits are not for me. I am going to hold her hand and tell her I love her. Not just with words, but most importantly, with my actions.