March 2, 2011
Today I received a letter from both my mom and one of my sisters. It always makes my when I get mail. It was so good hearing from my mom. She is such an angel. I had not heard from her since she came to visit a couple of weeks ago. She is such an amazing support for me. I don't know what I would do without her. I love you, mom.
My sister is going to be visiting me again this Saturday. I can't wait to see her again. Just spending those few hours with her make this time go by so much easier. I feel badly for the people here who don't get anybody to visit them.
There is a guy in my pod who not only doesn't get any visits, but doesn't even get any mail from his family. When he first told me this, I assumed that his family must live out of state. I was wrong. They all live locally.
I am currently in the process of revamping Operation Success, prepping for round two. I am going to add a couple more actions to the core ones. The key for me is not to bite off too much at a time. For me, it is crucial not to get overwhelmed. I am excited about adding to and improving my habits even more. I believe there is no limit to the ends I can achieve through this program.
Today was an all around amazing day and I just want to acknowledge that without the Savior, none of this would be possible. It is His strength that uplifts and sustains me. I am nothing without Him.
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
My First Visit
February 13, 2011
Yesterday I had my first visit. My mother and sister brought my new niece with them to see me. It was so nice seeing them and at the same time it was extremely difficult juggling all the different emotions that were rushing through me.
It broke my heart to see my Mom. To look into her eyes and see all the pain that was there. Knowing it was my foolish actions that that have brought more pain and stress into her life.
The visit was going great until I over-reacted to some news that my mother had given away some of my possessions to my son's mother. I proceeded to get upset and it brought my mother to tears.
How foolish and self absorbed I was acting. After talking it out and trying to remove my foot from my mouth; I, of course, realized she had made the correct decision - as always. My son needed clothes and since I was no longer able to support them, they were in desperate straits.
Before I got arrested, I had a sales job that not only paid me ridiculous amounts of money, but also enabled me to spend my time as I desired. And it was totally legal. Unfortunately, the wealth went completely to my head. I started putting a lot of value on material things. I am completely irresponsible with money. My family always had limited income and after my parent's divorce, we were truly poor. It wasn't a good combination for handling the enormous amounts of money I was earning.
When I was arrested and taken into custody, I lost a lot of my belongings and somewhere deep inside I was still tenuously clinging on to what little I had left.
I wish I had kept my mouth shut but as usual my mouth goes faster than my brain. I was upset and it felt like I had just lost something extremely important. After I had mended things the best I could, or rather after my sister helped put things into prospective, we were able to enjoy the rest of our visit. After they left, I went back to my dorm. I felt devastated. I was angry and disappointed in myself.
I had not seen or spoken to my sister in over three months. My mom, longer. My mom doesn't even live in the same state as where I am now. She had spent a lot of time traveling to see me. to see her hurt like that broke my heart.
It caused me to do a lot of soul searching to find the root of my behavior. I wanted to pull out whatever had caused the problem. I did not realize, before, how much value I was STILL placing on wealth and material things.
My life as I had known it ended when I was arrested. I knew I was being given a second chance at life. it was a message to me that I needed to give up the world and my worldly desires and embrace the Lord completely. My life now belonged to Him. I know it always has belonged to God but by my actions I was serving a different master. Now I know that God was letting me know that there was still a little bit I needed to give up. I needed to stop placing my self-worth in things ans start placing it in service and my family. Ninety-eight percent is not enough. It has to be everything. Your whole entire heart needs to be committed to God and completely detached from things of this world.
I know that at one time in my life I completely understood the feelings of surrendering everything to God. I can't believe I have since forgotten how it feels. Scary and satisfying at the same time. There is a different level of peace and comfort that comes after the anxiety of that leap of faith. I am thankful for the lesson. i just wish it didn't have to come at my mother's expense.
I am hoping that they will be able to visit me again Monday. I am going to do everything I can to make sure my mother knows she is loved and appreciated. It will be her day, not mine. I just want to hold her hand and let her tell me about everything her little heart desires. I am going to encourage her to express all she has been bottling up in anticipation of seeing me.
Yesterday I could tell she was just so anxious to share and relate with me and I didn't take the time or effort to acknowledge everything she was trying to share. (We are all ADD/ADHD, so it is always a race to see who can talk first! Lol!)
Tomorrow will be her day. She will know I value her words because I an going to listen. I am going to ask questions about what she is talking about so that she knows I am listening. I am going to always look into her eyes when she is talking to me so she can see the love I have for her. I am not going to talk about myself because these visits are not for me. I am going to hold her hand and tell her I love her. Not just with words, but most importantly, with my actions.
Yesterday I had my first visit. My mother and sister brought my new niece with them to see me. It was so nice seeing them and at the same time it was extremely difficult juggling all the different emotions that were rushing through me.
It broke my heart to see my Mom. To look into her eyes and see all the pain that was there. Knowing it was my foolish actions that that have brought more pain and stress into her life.
The visit was going great until I over-reacted to some news that my mother had given away some of my possessions to my son's mother. I proceeded to get upset and it brought my mother to tears.
How foolish and self absorbed I was acting. After talking it out and trying to remove my foot from my mouth; I, of course, realized she had made the correct decision - as always. My son needed clothes and since I was no longer able to support them, they were in desperate straits.
Before I got arrested, I had a sales job that not only paid me ridiculous amounts of money, but also enabled me to spend my time as I desired. And it was totally legal. Unfortunately, the wealth went completely to my head. I started putting a lot of value on material things. I am completely irresponsible with money. My family always had limited income and after my parent's divorce, we were truly poor. It wasn't a good combination for handling the enormous amounts of money I was earning.
When I was arrested and taken into custody, I lost a lot of my belongings and somewhere deep inside I was still tenuously clinging on to what little I had left.
I wish I had kept my mouth shut but as usual my mouth goes faster than my brain. I was upset and it felt like I had just lost something extremely important. After I had mended things the best I could, or rather after my sister helped put things into prospective, we were able to enjoy the rest of our visit. After they left, I went back to my dorm. I felt devastated. I was angry and disappointed in myself.
I had not seen or spoken to my sister in over three months. My mom, longer. My mom doesn't even live in the same state as where I am now. She had spent a lot of time traveling to see me. to see her hurt like that broke my heart.
It caused me to do a lot of soul searching to find the root of my behavior. I wanted to pull out whatever had caused the problem. I did not realize, before, how much value I was STILL placing on wealth and material things.
My life as I had known it ended when I was arrested. I knew I was being given a second chance at life. it was a message to me that I needed to give up the world and my worldly desires and embrace the Lord completely. My life now belonged to Him. I know it always has belonged to God but by my actions I was serving a different master. Now I know that God was letting me know that there was still a little bit I needed to give up. I needed to stop placing my self-worth in things ans start placing it in service and my family. Ninety-eight percent is not enough. It has to be everything. Your whole entire heart needs to be committed to God and completely detached from things of this world.
I know that at one time in my life I completely understood the feelings of surrendering everything to God. I can't believe I have since forgotten how it feels. Scary and satisfying at the same time. There is a different level of peace and comfort that comes after the anxiety of that leap of faith. I am thankful for the lesson. i just wish it didn't have to come at my mother's expense.
I am hoping that they will be able to visit me again Monday. I am going to do everything I can to make sure my mother knows she is loved and appreciated. It will be her day, not mine. I just want to hold her hand and let her tell me about everything her little heart desires. I am going to encourage her to express all she has been bottling up in anticipation of seeing me.
Yesterday I could tell she was just so anxious to share and relate with me and I didn't take the time or effort to acknowledge everything she was trying to share. (We are all ADD/ADHD, so it is always a race to see who can talk first! Lol!)
Tomorrow will be her day. She will know I value her words because I an going to listen. I am going to ask questions about what she is talking about so that she knows I am listening. I am going to always look into her eyes when she is talking to me so she can see the love I have for her. I am not going to talk about myself because these visits are not for me. I am going to hold her hand and tell her I love her. Not just with words, but most importantly, with my actions.
Friday, March 4, 2011
Father, Fast Reading and Family
February 9, 2011
Today I got a letter from my father. we haven't talked in over 15 years. In fact, I have little to no memory of him from my childhood. It's like I grew up basically without a father. I decided since I have so much time on my hands, I should use some of it to get to know him.
It was pretty strange reading a letter from a man I know nothing about, but who is my father. It was short and he offered his support to me. I am looking forward to finding out if we have anything in common.
Today was also the first day of a 7-day speed-reading program I started. The results blew me away. Today I read two books (about 600 pages together) in about an hour and a half! Everyone I have talking to about this is amazed at the amount of pages I read, but assumes that I must have comprehended very little of what I read. The TRULY amazing part of it was that I was able to comprehend just about EVERY thing in the second book and most of the first book!
I am so excited about my new found speed-reading ability. I'm practically bouncing off the walls. Usually when I am really excited about something I get really animated when I talk about it. People usually just kind of look at me like I am crazy. I am extremely enthusiastic when it comes to self-improvement. I just can't ever get enough of it and I have a burning desire to share all of my successes with everyone else. I figure, if it brings that much joy and helps to improve the quality of my life, then it should do the same for others, right? I mean - how awesome is it to be able to speed-read!
My mind is reeling with all the potential knowledge I can cram into my head in a tenth of the normal reading time. I am ADHD and for some reason, I seem to get way more out of reading using these new techniques than I did reading the old way. The trick I am learning is how to read down the center of the page, instead of reading from right to left.
You can bet that I am going to be telling everyone about this. How many people do you think I can get to take this 7-day program? I will update my progress. I already have one guy super excited about it, too.
I am still going strong on Operation Success. I believe this is day 6. Only 22 more days until they officially become habits. Remembering to accomplish all of them is becoming easier and I am loving not only all the writing I am doing, but also all the spiritual growth I have been experiencing. By staying consistent to not only the daily scripture study, but also taking the time each day to specifically study Jesus Christ.
Church is allowed to be held on Wednesdays in here. I am noticed that I could feel the Spirit stronger and I felt more like I had a direction in my spiritual path of progress.
Another thing that is making a difference is the breathing techniques and meditation I am doing. I have not talked about this much. I read about a way you can control your breathing to activate the body's lymph system in one of Tony Robbins' books. The lymphatic system works with the circulation system and immune system. It's basically a waste transportation system. By breathing a certain way, you can "jump start" it, in a way.
Being locked up, my concern with my health and the desire to preserve my body has increased dramatically - as I am sure you can imagine. Being around some many people, constantly in a closed environment, is pretty much a breeding ground for disease. The last thing you want is to get really sick in prison.
Tony Robbins said if you do this breathing exercise two times a day, once in the morning and once at night, you will be supercharging your immune system. It helps your body accelerate its process of purging toxins.
The key is 1-4-2.
Breath in for 1 count
Hold for 4 counts
Breath out for 2 counts
For example – if you were to breath in for four seconds, then you would hold your breath for sixteen seconds and then breath out for eight. You wold want to do this about 10 times.
I have had a few people try this exercise and they have gotten sick right away. this is because their body's waste system is being charged up and starting. There are a lot of toxins in our bodies and they need to be eliminated. Staying consistent and developing this into a habit will be one of my core strategies to maintaining my health.
I knew I should obviously include daily exercise, but lately I have just been lazy when it comes to that. today I finally was able to get my "real" shoes. I am going to run a couple of laps this weekend, if my visit does not go through.
In prison, the issue you these really crappy deck shoes that last about three months. they have no support in them and are very painful to walk in and next to impossible to run with. I was told that during the summer months, they melt.
We have a Commissary in prison where you can purchase additional, prison approved items if you have money on the "books." Now that I have some real shoes, I am more motivated to get out there and start building up my cardio. the only thing that would prevent me from running this Saturday is if I get a visit from my family in the morning. It will be my first visit ever since I have been here. I am so excited to talk to someone who is not a felon.
My whole family is visiting near by these first two weeks of February. All of my sisters had babies in the last five months of 2010. I am sure they are having a blast together. I think it is a blessing that they had them so close together.
It goes without saying that my family is my lifeline. I'm ashamed to admit I completely took them for granted before I self-destructed my life. we were always close, at least we were what I THOUGHT was close, at the time. Now that I am in prison, we have become closer than I ever dreamed possible. I had no idea I was so loved and cherished by my family. It was unfortunate that it took something like this to facilitate it, but I am so grateful that we are close now. This life is but the blink of an eye and the only thing we are taking with us, when we leave it, is our relationships.
Make sure you take the time to tell your family that you love them. Love equals time. Write an email. Make a phone call. talk only about them. I am terrible about constantly talking about myself. People love to talk about themselves, so give them the blessing of asking them questions so they can do just that. I promise you, it will make their day. They might even be curious as to why you are suddenly so interested in them!
I want to end this day with a prayer in my heart that we can all take a moment this week and express our thanks to our loved ones, by giving them the one thing they want most...our attention.
Today I got a letter from my father. we haven't talked in over 15 years. In fact, I have little to no memory of him from my childhood. It's like I grew up basically without a father. I decided since I have so much time on my hands, I should use some of it to get to know him.
It was pretty strange reading a letter from a man I know nothing about, but who is my father. It was short and he offered his support to me. I am looking forward to finding out if we have anything in common.
Today was also the first day of a 7-day speed-reading program I started. The results blew me away. Today I read two books (about 600 pages together) in about an hour and a half! Everyone I have talking to about this is amazed at the amount of pages I read, but assumes that I must have comprehended very little of what I read. The TRULY amazing part of it was that I was able to comprehend just about EVERY thing in the second book and most of the first book!
I am so excited about my new found speed-reading ability. I'm practically bouncing off the walls. Usually when I am really excited about something I get really animated when I talk about it. People usually just kind of look at me like I am crazy. I am extremely enthusiastic when it comes to self-improvement. I just can't ever get enough of it and I have a burning desire to share all of my successes with everyone else. I figure, if it brings that much joy and helps to improve the quality of my life, then it should do the same for others, right? I mean - how awesome is it to be able to speed-read!
My mind is reeling with all the potential knowledge I can cram into my head in a tenth of the normal reading time. I am ADHD and for some reason, I seem to get way more out of reading using these new techniques than I did reading the old way. The trick I am learning is how to read down the center of the page, instead of reading from right to left.
You can bet that I am going to be telling everyone about this. How many people do you think I can get to take this 7-day program? I will update my progress. I already have one guy super excited about it, too.
I am still going strong on Operation Success. I believe this is day 6. Only 22 more days until they officially become habits. Remembering to accomplish all of them is becoming easier and I am loving not only all the writing I am doing, but also all the spiritual growth I have been experiencing. By staying consistent to not only the daily scripture study, but also taking the time each day to specifically study Jesus Christ.
Church is allowed to be held on Wednesdays in here. I am noticed that I could feel the Spirit stronger and I felt more like I had a direction in my spiritual path of progress.
Another thing that is making a difference is the breathing techniques and meditation I am doing. I have not talked about this much. I read about a way you can control your breathing to activate the body's lymph system in one of Tony Robbins' books. The lymphatic system works with the circulation system and immune system. It's basically a waste transportation system. By breathing a certain way, you can "jump start" it, in a way.
Being locked up, my concern with my health and the desire to preserve my body has increased dramatically - as I am sure you can imagine. Being around some many people, constantly in a closed environment, is pretty much a breeding ground for disease. The last thing you want is to get really sick in prison.
Tony Robbins said if you do this breathing exercise two times a day, once in the morning and once at night, you will be supercharging your immune system. It helps your body accelerate its process of purging toxins.
The key is 1-4-2.
Breath in for 1 count
Hold for 4 counts
Breath out for 2 counts
For example – if you were to breath in for four seconds, then you would hold your breath for sixteen seconds and then breath out for eight. You wold want to do this about 10 times.
I have had a few people try this exercise and they have gotten sick right away. this is because their body's waste system is being charged up and starting. There are a lot of toxins in our bodies and they need to be eliminated. Staying consistent and developing this into a habit will be one of my core strategies to maintaining my health.
I knew I should obviously include daily exercise, but lately I have just been lazy when it comes to that. today I finally was able to get my "real" shoes. I am going to run a couple of laps this weekend, if my visit does not go through.
In prison, the issue you these really crappy deck shoes that last about three months. they have no support in them and are very painful to walk in and next to impossible to run with. I was told that during the summer months, they melt.
We have a Commissary in prison where you can purchase additional, prison approved items if you have money on the "books." Now that I have some real shoes, I am more motivated to get out there and start building up my cardio. the only thing that would prevent me from running this Saturday is if I get a visit from my family in the morning. It will be my first visit ever since I have been here. I am so excited to talk to someone who is not a felon.
My whole family is visiting near by these first two weeks of February. All of my sisters had babies in the last five months of 2010. I am sure they are having a blast together. I think it is a blessing that they had them so close together.
It goes without saying that my family is my lifeline. I'm ashamed to admit I completely took them for granted before I self-destructed my life. we were always close, at least we were what I THOUGHT was close, at the time. Now that I am in prison, we have become closer than I ever dreamed possible. I had no idea I was so loved and cherished by my family. It was unfortunate that it took something like this to facilitate it, but I am so grateful that we are close now. This life is but the blink of an eye and the only thing we are taking with us, when we leave it, is our relationships.
Make sure you take the time to tell your family that you love them. Love equals time. Write an email. Make a phone call. talk only about them. I am terrible about constantly talking about myself. People love to talk about themselves, so give them the blessing of asking them questions so they can do just that. I promise you, it will make their day. They might even be curious as to why you are suddenly so interested in them!
I want to end this day with a prayer in my heart that we can all take a moment this week and express our thanks to our loved ones, by giving them the one thing they want most...our attention.
Super Bowl Sunday
Feb 2, 2011
Watching the game had me thinking of my family. I wonder if they all watched it together. I'm not sure they are all still in state here, visiting each other. I have not heard from anyone all week. I hope that they had a good Sunday.
As always, I wonder what my son did today. I wonder if he watched the game. I hope he likes football. It always crushes my heart when I think about all his "firsts" that I am going to miss while I am in here. It is definitely the most painful agony I have ever experienced - being away from my son. I hope I can channel those emotions into a positive outlet and be the most supportive father I can in here.
I am grateful that all of my sisters have recently been blessed with children. I feel that maybe they can better relate to what I am going through.
I am looking forward to this week and seeing how my new habits will be developing. So far, I am still on track and I hope to continue to go strong. I already feel a little more confident in exercising my self-discipline, even, though it's only been a couple of days. It's amazing how we always get 10X out of life what we put in. I am truly grateful for the law of the harvest. You always know your efforts are not going to waste.
Watching the game had me thinking of my family. I wonder if they all watched it together. I'm not sure they are all still in state here, visiting each other. I have not heard from anyone all week. I hope that they had a good Sunday.
As always, I wonder what my son did today. I wonder if he watched the game. I hope he likes football. It always crushes my heart when I think about all his "firsts" that I am going to miss while I am in here. It is definitely the most painful agony I have ever experienced - being away from my son. I hope I can channel those emotions into a positive outlet and be the most supportive father I can in here.
I am grateful that all of my sisters have recently been blessed with children. I feel that maybe they can better relate to what I am going through.
I am looking forward to this week and seeing how my new habits will be developing. So far, I am still on track and I hope to continue to go strong. I already feel a little more confident in exercising my self-discipline, even, though it's only been a couple of days. It's amazing how we always get 10X out of life what we put in. I am truly grateful for the law of the harvest. You always know your efforts are not going to waste.
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