The past several days have been amazing. It has been a while since I have updated my blog. So much has happened!
This past weekend, my mom and one of my sisters came to visit me. It was so wonderful being able to talk with them and bask in their wonderful spirits. I love them so much and I can scarcely believe they that they care about me so deeply. I will go into the visit in more detail in my next entry. I wanted to share a spiritual revelation that I have had recently.
The past couple of months I have been struggling with guilt. I had trouble dealing with all the heartache my actions have caused others. I had repented of my actions, but I could not figure out how I could ever stop feeling bad about the pain I have caused. The day before my visit, I had an epiphany and I have my step-dad to thank for it.
When he joined the church, he quit smoking and coffee cold turkey. He has never turned back. Recently he has been told by his bishop that he was truly an example of all a latter-day saint should be. He is still a little rough around the edges, but that didn’t matter. He had stopped what he knew was wrong and pressed forward continually from that point.
As I was thinking about this, I asked myself, “What is repentance?” Isn’t it just completely stopping the sinful behavior and forsaking it? I realized that I had done that. I knew that I didn’t need to feel quilt anymore for the things I had repented of, but I didn’t really know why. I will always have the regret, but I need not carry the guilt.
Today I came to understand the difference between godly sorrow and worldly sorrow. They teach that you must first feel bad about your sins before you can repent of them. What is critical is WHY you feel bad. It is not the action itself that is the sin. A person that grows up being taught no moral laws will think that murder is perfectly just and acceptable. If he has no moral boundaries, he cannot be held responsible for those murders. We have to first be given the rules before we can be penalized for breaking them.
Sorrow needs to come because I realized that I disobeyed my Heavenly Father. My actions were part of the suffering Jesus Christ endured. The action itself does not make it a sin. It is God’s commanding me NOT to do that action that makes it a sin. Committing the action is not the sin, violating a commandment of God IS a sin.
Understanding where my accountability truly lies expands my relationship with God. It is to Him that I must answer, not the people my sins have affected. There is the command of restitution for that part. So – when they speak of feeling “Godly sorrow,” my pain and sorrow must be from violating my relationship with God, the power of the Atonement to change my heart.
I hope this makes sense. I know that this understand has freed me in so many ways. I can now let go of all the self-condemnation and guilt. That debt had been paid in full by my Savior. I can justify being happy and building up my self-worth. I know I am clean before God and I can leave my past in my Savior’s hands. I now know true freedom.
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