June 27, 2011
Today I got to spend a full 8 hours with my mom. She is such an amazing woman. I wished that our time together would never end. It felt so good to see her smile. To see her eyes twinkle is one of the greatest blessings I have been given.
My heart broke when I realised how little she really gets to talk the way we talk when we get together. She has so much to share with me and I loved it. When she gets so excited to share some part of herself with me, it warms my heart.
Our conversation went from one end of the spectrum to the other. childhood, current events, dreams, and family affairs and plans for future included. My mother shared with me things about herself that she has never shared with another person. This means so much to me! That she was telling me things about herself that she has never told another person gave me such a special feeling. It gave me many insights into who that amazing woman is. I am grateful for the kinds of conversations I am able to have with her now. I attribute the change as another blessing of being in prison. The types of conversation I have in visitation rarely would occur if I were not in prison, so I am grateful for the chance to know my family better.
Now that the visit is over, my mind reflects on my childhood. I told my mom several times how messed up it was for me, how painful a lot of the memories were and how frustrating it was for me growing up. I failed to tell her that I DO have many amazing memories of her and all the fun things we did together. I want her to know that I am grateful for the childhood I had and that I don't hold her responsible for the tragedies in my childhood.
She helped me grow my testimony and she always made sure I knew I was loved. I do remember all that she had to suffer along with us, and I am ever grateful for her strength, spirit, and unconditional love she always poured out on us. I love you, Mom.
Monday, July 11, 2011
The Blessings of Adversity
June 11, 2011
This week had been a good one. I have realized that I started to rebel against the daily curriculum that God has set for me each day. I KNOW that every single think that happens to me is for my benefit and growth. Yet - it is SO easy to forget and focus on what I want it to be like!
I allowed a couple of adversities to take me out of my spiritual focus and the result was a loss of light in my life. Surprise! After a couple of days, this loss of light can really start manifesting itself in various ways. Probably one of the most powerful ways this is evident is in the lack of patience with others.
Being locked up in pod with 60 other guys, twenty plus hours a day has its own unique challenges. One of these is that you have to be around people that you would normally want to avoid! What I forgot is that these people are actually a blessing. They are here to provide me with many reminders to pray and seek the Spirit.
These individuals can only bless my life, unless I decide to rebel against the Light and try to press my own agenda of what I want my day to entail. If the Lord want to test me and provide me with opportunities for growth, who am I to argue??
I am grateful that He feels I am strong enough to handle more of the fire that refines the gold inside of me.
This week had been a good one. I have realized that I started to rebel against the daily curriculum that God has set for me each day. I KNOW that every single think that happens to me is for my benefit and growth. Yet - it is SO easy to forget and focus on what I want it to be like!
I allowed a couple of adversities to take me out of my spiritual focus and the result was a loss of light in my life. Surprise! After a couple of days, this loss of light can really start manifesting itself in various ways. Probably one of the most powerful ways this is evident is in the lack of patience with others.
Being locked up in pod with 60 other guys, twenty plus hours a day has its own unique challenges. One of these is that you have to be around people that you would normally want to avoid! What I forgot is that these people are actually a blessing. They are here to provide me with many reminders to pray and seek the Spirit.
These individuals can only bless my life, unless I decide to rebel against the Light and try to press my own agenda of what I want my day to entail. If the Lord want to test me and provide me with opportunities for growth, who am I to argue??
I am grateful that He feels I am strong enough to handle more of the fire that refines the gold inside of me.
Poem: Samara
June 6, 2011
Open your eyes and look around,
Look into the mirror to see what I've found.
A heart of gold and a diamond smile -
Seeing you unhappy is my biggest trial.
I love how you blossom and grow!
Let your BRILLIANCE shine and show!
All need to see that angel inside.
You are the one in whom I must confide,
Let me show you what you mean to me:
You're the lighthouse in my darkest storm.
You're my blanket, so fuzzy and warm,
As I wrap myself up in your love,
It carries me away, up high above;
Away from the demons lurking in plain sight.
Your love overcomes them with it's might.
When I am nearly lost in the night,
You rescue me, always doing what's right.
You're the ray of light, piercing the dark.
You're the arrow that never misses its mark.
You are always straight and true
Lifting me up, when I am blue.
I hope you hear what it is my saying,
With these words, hear what I'm praying,
You know that no matter what you do -
I will always be right here - loving you!
Open your eyes and look around,
Look into the mirror to see what I've found.
A heart of gold and a diamond smile -
Seeing you unhappy is my biggest trial.
I love how you blossom and grow!
Let your BRILLIANCE shine and show!
All need to see that angel inside.
You are the one in whom I must confide,
Let me show you what you mean to me:
You're the lighthouse in my darkest storm.
You're my blanket, so fuzzy and warm,
As I wrap myself up in your love,
It carries me away, up high above;
Away from the demons lurking in plain sight.
Your love overcomes them with it's might.
When I am nearly lost in the night,
You rescue me, always doing what's right.
You're the ray of light, piercing the dark.
You're the arrow that never misses its mark.
You are always straight and true
Lifting me up, when I am blue.
I hope you hear what it is my saying,
With these words, hear what I'm praying,
You know that no matter what you do -
I will always be right here - loving you!
Galations 5: 17
June 6, 2011
I had a good day today and I got a lot done. It seems like the past week I have been keeping myself compulsively busy, doing a lot of nothing. I'm not sure why I have been trying to keep myself distracted from the things on which I know I should be spending my time. Even though I still have 7.5 years left in prison, I am determined to take advantage of everyday. I believe that I can use this time to improve myself and make a positive contribution to others.
I decided today that I have not been paying attention to what "enticements" are keeping me away from doing all that I want to accomplish in the day. In my preparation for the Gospel lesson I a going to be giving this week, it really struck me that the natural man desires the opposite of what the Spirit desires.
With the Spirit, I have a peaceful, patient love that whispers peace and comfort to my heart. I always seem to have enlightened thoughts and ideas about how I can improve my spiritual focus. The more I am blessed with the companionship of the Holy ghost, the more creative I feel. I hope you all enjoy the poetry that has been posted. I never know what's going to pop out, when I listen to the Spirit.
I am excited for the coming week and I know I am going to improve on my performance from last week.
I had a good day today and I got a lot done. It seems like the past week I have been keeping myself compulsively busy, doing a lot of nothing. I'm not sure why I have been trying to keep myself distracted from the things on which I know I should be spending my time. Even though I still have 7.5 years left in prison, I am determined to take advantage of everyday. I believe that I can use this time to improve myself and make a positive contribution to others.
I decided today that I have not been paying attention to what "enticements" are keeping me away from doing all that I want to accomplish in the day. In my preparation for the Gospel lesson I a going to be giving this week, it really struck me that the natural man desires the opposite of what the Spirit desires.
I guess I still don't realize how consistently I need to be guarded against the desires of the natural man. Without the companionship of the Holy Ghost I am nothing but a prideful sinner who is full of himself and glories in the domination of others. Vain and arrogant, I would always lead myself right into the worse possible situations.
With the Spirit, I have a peaceful, patient love that whispers peace and comfort to my heart. I always seem to have enlightened thoughts and ideas about how I can improve my spiritual focus. The more I am blessed with the companionship of the Holy ghost, the more creative I feel. I hope you all enjoy the poetry that has been posted. I never know what's going to pop out, when I listen to the Spirit.
I am excited for the coming week and I know I am going to improve on my performance from last week.
My "Sunday"
June 1, 2011
Today was our little Church group's fast and testimony meeting. (They hold their church services on Wednesdays) I always love hearing these men share their testimonies. The Spirit was strong, even though I was falling asleep in my chair. Sometimes my sleeping schedule gets messed up and I end up awake all night and then feel like sleeping all day. I was exhausted, but didn't want to miss out on church.
This afternoon I got an intense workout and, after dinner, I was ready to fall asleep. Somehow, I was able to make it through the day without any naps, which seems to be my downfall. Without the naps, I'm hoping I won't wake up wide awake at 1 A.M.
It can be difficult to get into a good sleeping cycle because our recreation days always alternate from mornings to afternoons. That is so one pod won't always have the same schedule.
I feel like today was a good productive day. I am really looking forward to seeing my mom again. she should be coming to see me in about a month! I miss her so much. I am going to bed with a smile in my eyes and a prayer in my heart.
Tomorrow is going to be a great day!
Today was our little Church group's fast and testimony meeting. (They hold their church services on Wednesdays) I always love hearing these men share their testimonies. The Spirit was strong, even though I was falling asleep in my chair. Sometimes my sleeping schedule gets messed up and I end up awake all night and then feel like sleeping all day. I was exhausted, but didn't want to miss out on church.
This afternoon I got an intense workout and, after dinner, I was ready to fall asleep. Somehow, I was able to make it through the day without any naps, which seems to be my downfall. Without the naps, I'm hoping I won't wake up wide awake at 1 A.M.
It can be difficult to get into a good sleeping cycle because our recreation days always alternate from mornings to afternoons. That is so one pod won't always have the same schedule.
I feel like today was a good productive day. I am really looking forward to seeing my mom again. she should be coming to see me in about a month! I miss her so much. I am going to bed with a smile in my eyes and a prayer in my heart.
Tomorrow is going to be a great day!
Frustration
May 29, 2011
This past week has been quite the learning experience for me. I have dealt with several trying temptations. some I handled successfully, others I handled terribly. Basically I have spent the week trying to repent and to once again turn my heart and will over to my God.
I am so grateful that we have modern-day prophets to speak to us on the trials of our day. It was through the latest LDS General Conference talks that I was able to let go of the wheel, once again, and put my life back into the hands of my Savior. I still can't get over how blessed I am to be a member of the true church of God. I can be instructed by so much light in His gospel.
It breaks my heart when I think of all the souls who don't have what I have as a member of the true and living church. It also breaks my heart when i realize how foolish I am. I seem to be constantly throwing the light and truths that I KNOW to be true out of my life! I am such a prideful and rebellious soul!
I have decided to stop trying to guess what exactly I need to be doing each second of the day. I find this only leads me to feeling overwhelmed, followed by me falling off the path. I tend to obsess about details, and this leads to me trying to over think everything.
I have decided to let go and put it into the Lord's hands. I will let His Spirit whisper to what I need to be doing each day. If I fill my mind with too many details, I find it harder to hear the whispers of the Spirit. I am sorry it has been so long since my last update. I am going to make it point to update my journal more often.
This past week has been quite the learning experience for me. I have dealt with several trying temptations. some I handled successfully, others I handled terribly. Basically I have spent the week trying to repent and to once again turn my heart and will over to my God.
I am so grateful that we have modern-day prophets to speak to us on the trials of our day. It was through the latest LDS General Conference talks that I was able to let go of the wheel, once again, and put my life back into the hands of my Savior. I still can't get over how blessed I am to be a member of the true church of God. I can be instructed by so much light in His gospel.
It breaks my heart when I think of all the souls who don't have what I have as a member of the true and living church. It also breaks my heart when i realize how foolish I am. I seem to be constantly throwing the light and truths that I KNOW to be true out of my life! I am such a prideful and rebellious soul!
I have decided to stop trying to guess what exactly I need to be doing each second of the day. I find this only leads me to feeling overwhelmed, followed by me falling off the path. I tend to obsess about details, and this leads to me trying to over think everything.
I have decided to let go and put it into the Lord's hands. I will let His Spirit whisper to what I need to be doing each day. If I fill my mind with too many details, I find it harder to hear the whispers of the Spirit. I am sorry it has been so long since my last update. I am going to make it point to update my journal more often.
Effects of Lock Down
May 12, 2011
It felt so good to be able to go outside today and to exercise my body. After being locked down for three days straight, my body started missing its daily routines.
Mentally, it is tough to be locked inside a large room, day after day. I know I am blessed to be on a level three yard (medium security level). A few years ago they sent all new inmates to a level 4 yard (maximum security level). A level 4 yard means you are locked down 23hours/day. You only get to come out of your two man cell for an hour a day. A while back everyone had to spend their first couple of years on a level 4 yard.
Today reminded me of how grateful I am to be able to trust that the Lord will take care of me, if I am obedient to His commandments. When I decide to do what's right, at all costs, He always steps in and blesses me immensely.
It felt so good to be able to go outside today and to exercise my body. After being locked down for three days straight, my body started missing its daily routines.
Mentally, it is tough to be locked inside a large room, day after day. I know I am blessed to be on a level three yard (medium security level). A few years ago they sent all new inmates to a level 4 yard (maximum security level). A level 4 yard means you are locked down 23hours/day. You only get to come out of your two man cell for an hour a day. A while back everyone had to spend their first couple of years on a level 4 yard.
Today reminded me of how grateful I am to be able to trust that the Lord will take care of me, if I am obedient to His commandments. When I decide to do what's right, at all costs, He always steps in and blesses me immensely.
Lock Down and Chess
May 11, 2011
Today was a very good day. Since we are still locked down 24-7 because of the searches, ...
I have been able to develop some strong mental habits from the game. Spiritually, I notices that life is being more streamline and less "cluttered." I am grateful for the Spirit and the refining touches it brings to my daily life.
Today was a very good day. Since we are still locked down 24-7 because of the searches, ...
(Every three months the inmates are kept locked in their own pods while the guards do a search for contraband items and drugs. It lasts from three to four days. They have freedom of movement within their pod, but cannot go to classes, recreation, or other pods.)I spent most of the day playing chess. I have been studying a couple new chess books that I recently got and today was the first day that I was able to notice a difference in my play. A guy that I have been teaching chess came up to me and told that he was grateful for all the tips I have been teaching him because he was able to implement them successfully in his games today. He was really excited about seeing growth in his game. I was happy to be an instrument in helping to improve someones state of mind. It may seem strange, but I am very thankful for chess.
I have been able to develop some strong mental habits from the game. Spiritually, I notices that life is being more streamline and less "cluttered." I am grateful for the Spirit and the refining touches it brings to my daily life.
Friday, July 8, 2011
Thoughts on My Mom
May 2, 2011
With Mother's Day coming up, I can't help but think of how blessed I am to have such an amazing mother.
She has always been there for me. Even thought there were times when I told her I did not want her to be there for me, she always was. She taught me to love God. She continues to be my greatest example of what having a testimony of Christ looks like.
Since I have been focusing on being spiritually centered, I have been able to feel her sweet spirit more profoundly than ever before. I don't know how, but I never realized how deep my mother's testimony of our Savior ran. I am so grateful that my mother loves the Lord and is willing to go through so much that others may be comforted in their afflictions and adversities.
Growing up as the only boy in the family provided me with an extra close relationship with her. I was, and still am, a mama's boy. I couldn't imagine her not in my life. We are able to practically know each other's thoughts and feelings. Sometimes I write a question, only to have it answered in the next letter - which was written BEFORE my letter even gets to her. I have never been closer to another person, in terms of always being able to count on their "being there" for me.
I love you, Mom, and it is my prayer that you can see yourself as I see you:
1. A success in every possible way
2. A rock of faith
3. An example of a Latter-day Saint woman
You're amazing, Mom, and you deserve more than I could ever give you.
With Mother's Day coming up, I can't help but think of how blessed I am to have such an amazing mother.
She has always been there for me. Even thought there were times when I told her I did not want her to be there for me, she always was. She taught me to love God. She continues to be my greatest example of what having a testimony of Christ looks like.
Since I have been focusing on being spiritually centered, I have been able to feel her sweet spirit more profoundly than ever before. I don't know how, but I never realized how deep my mother's testimony of our Savior ran. I am so grateful that my mother loves the Lord and is willing to go through so much that others may be comforted in their afflictions and adversities.
Growing up as the only boy in the family provided me with an extra close relationship with her. I was, and still am, a mama's boy. I couldn't imagine her not in my life. We are able to practically know each other's thoughts and feelings. Sometimes I write a question, only to have it answered in the next letter - which was written BEFORE my letter even gets to her. I have never been closer to another person, in terms of always being able to count on their "being there" for me.
I love you, Mom, and it is my prayer that you can see yourself as I see you:
1. A success in every possible way
2. A rock of faith
3. An example of a Latter-day Saint woman
You're amazing, Mom, and you deserve more than I could ever give you.
Poem - Creator of the World
He is the life that brings us light.
He is the meaning of all that's right
In our darkest, blackest night.
He is a Star, shining ever so bright.
For us He put up such a fight!
He struggled with all His might.
He suffered and strained, but not in vain.
For us, He was beaten, hung, and slain.
Nothing can defeat Him, this is true.
There is nothing He wouldn't do
For the sake of me or you.
He offers us all that is His.
For us all, He died, and now He lives!
He is always holding out His hand,
Without Him, we are unable to stand.
Embrace His love and submit to Him;
Only then can we find forgiveness from sin.
Yield your hearts to the One who knows you best
So He can separate you from the rest.
Take His hand and walk with Him.
There is nowhere you're going that He hasn't been.
He is the light, and the way through life.
Only through Him is it worth the strife.
Awake and rise from the dust -
He is the One you must trust!
Please listen for Him calling your name!
Once you hear it, you will never be the same.
Matt Wright (April, 2011)
He is the meaning of all that's right
In our darkest, blackest night.
He is a Star, shining ever so bright.
For us He put up such a fight!
He struggled with all His might.
He suffered and strained, but not in vain.
For us, He was beaten, hung, and slain.
Nothing can defeat Him, this is true.
There is nothing He wouldn't do
For the sake of me or you.
He offers us all that is His.
For us all, He died, and now He lives!
He is always holding out His hand,
Without Him, we are unable to stand.
Embrace His love and submit to Him;
Only then can we find forgiveness from sin.
Yield your hearts to the One who knows you best
So He can separate you from the rest.
Take His hand and walk with Him.
There is nowhere you're going that He hasn't been.
He is the light, and the way through life.
Only through Him is it worth the strife.
Awake and rise from the dust -
He is the One you must trust!
Please listen for Him calling your name!
Once you hear it, you will never be the same.
Matt Wright (April, 2011)
Self Worth - What's It Made of?
April 22, 2011
Today has been an extremely enlightening day for me. I realized that my whole life I have been basing my self-worth on the Temporal World. My self-worth is really beyond measure. I am a child of God and He loves me unconditionally. I am beginning to realize that I don't need anything i this temporal world to contribute to my value as an individual. My value to Heavenly Father does not decrease, change, or falter. No matter what I do, or how I perform, He loves me, just the same. My worth is immeasurable.
I am trying to be focusing on being in the light as much as possible so I can feel his love for me more. I understand that for me to truly be able to see, feel, do and think as Christ would, then I first need to be able to feel that kind of love about myself first.
We cannot give a love we do not have. If we do not truly know our self-worth and truly experience our Father's endless love for us, how can we (in turn) give love to others? If all my self-worth is tied up in my temporal performance, how can I judge my brothers and sister otherwise? If being Number One in all that I do gives me a feeling of worth, then how am I going to feel about the guy that comes in last? Or a person that does not perform to my expectations? I am going to judge them based on what is important to me.
I am now realizing that all my life I have felt very little self-worth. I never really knew what love was. I'm talking about the true, unconditional love. Going thought this experience and looking back, I can see an example of this unconditional love in my life: my mother's love for me. she has always been there for me. she has loved me regardless of my performance, my actions - regardless of everything.
This is a new feeling for me and like everything else I am trying to integrate into my belief system, I know this is going to take time and effort to get these feelings rooted in my heart.
My desire in not to allow my self worth to be affected in any way by the temporal world. Allowing your self worth to be based on how well you do something, or on how poorly you do something else, gives Satan tools to use against you. Wanting the highest score on a test can be leveraged into putting something else before the Lord. When doing your best doesn't match the goal you set for yourself, what do you do? Something "outside" just came "inside" and you are beating yourself up over it.
Only when we have our self worth grounded completely in things spiritual do we have the ability to become Christ-like. We can, then, return the love we feel from Christ to others without judging them in any way. We will see them as Christ seeing us, beautiful and with value beyond measure. We will see ourselves the same way, and cut ourselves some slack when we don't reach our worldly goals.
How people see us is only how they see themselves. It's called projection. I am so excited to begin centering my self-worth on my Eternal Father's matchless love for me. there is nothing that could ever change how He feels about me. What do you think THAT tells me about my worth to Him?
Today has been an extremely enlightening day for me. I realized that my whole life I have been basing my self-worth on the Temporal World. My self-worth is really beyond measure. I am a child of God and He loves me unconditionally. I am beginning to realize that I don't need anything i this temporal world to contribute to my value as an individual. My value to Heavenly Father does not decrease, change, or falter. No matter what I do, or how I perform, He loves me, just the same. My worth is immeasurable.
I am trying to be focusing on being in the light as much as possible so I can feel his love for me more. I understand that for me to truly be able to see, feel, do and think as Christ would, then I first need to be able to feel that kind of love about myself first.
We cannot give a love we do not have. If we do not truly know our self-worth and truly experience our Father's endless love for us, how can we (in turn) give love to others? If all my self-worth is tied up in my temporal performance, how can I judge my brothers and sister otherwise? If being Number One in all that I do gives me a feeling of worth, then how am I going to feel about the guy that comes in last? Or a person that does not perform to my expectations? I am going to judge them based on what is important to me.
I am now realizing that all my life I have felt very little self-worth. I never really knew what love was. I'm talking about the true, unconditional love. Going thought this experience and looking back, I can see an example of this unconditional love in my life: my mother's love for me. she has always been there for me. she has loved me regardless of my performance, my actions - regardless of everything.
This is a new feeling for me and like everything else I am trying to integrate into my belief system, I know this is going to take time and effort to get these feelings rooted in my heart.
My desire in not to allow my self worth to be affected in any way by the temporal world. Allowing your self worth to be based on how well you do something, or on how poorly you do something else, gives Satan tools to use against you. Wanting the highest score on a test can be leveraged into putting something else before the Lord. When doing your best doesn't match the goal you set for yourself, what do you do? Something "outside" just came "inside" and you are beating yourself up over it.
Only when we have our self worth grounded completely in things spiritual do we have the ability to become Christ-like. We can, then, return the love we feel from Christ to others without judging them in any way. We will see them as Christ seeing us, beautiful and with value beyond measure. We will see ourselves the same way, and cut ourselves some slack when we don't reach our worldly goals.
How people see us is only how they see themselves. It's called projection. I am so excited to begin centering my self-worth on my Eternal Father's matchless love for me. there is nothing that could ever change how He feels about me. What do you think THAT tells me about my worth to Him?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)