Importance of Conversion (Part Two)

March 14, 2011

President Harold B. Lee said that our number one focus should be to become converted. He mentions that even Peter, our Lord's chief apostle, needed to be re-converted. Peter had a testimony that Jesus was the Son of God.

(Matt. 16: 13-17)

13 When Jesus came into the coasts of Caesarea Philippi, he asked his disciples, saying, Whom do men say that I the Son of man am?

14 And they said, Some say that thou art John the Baptist: some, Elias; and others, Jeremias, or one of the prophets.

15 He saith unto them, But whom say ye that I am?

16 And Simon Peter answered and said, Thou art the Christ, the Son of the living God.

17 And Jesus answered and said unto him, Blessed art thou, Simon Barjona: for flesh and blood hath not revealed it unto thee, but my Father which is in heaven.

Not even a year went by until Peter was rebuked by the Master and told that he needed to be converted again.
(Luke 22: 31-32)

31 And the Lord said, Simon, Simon, behold, Satan hath desired to have you, that he may sift you as wheat:

32 But I have prayed for thee, that thy faith fail not: and when thou art converted, strengthen thy brethren.

Now if Peter had trouble staying converted how much more do all of us need to focus on maintaining our testimony and conversion? We must always be vigilant keeping the commandments so that we may be worthy of having the Holy Ghost there to warn us when Satan is about to throw a wrench into our spokes.
I realize now that even though I feel strong, spiritual, healthy, and enlightened; I am not unstoppable. In fact, because of these things I am that much more of a target to the Adversary than before. When I am doing good and the Lord is blessing me, my guard is down. When I am going through trials and being afflicted with sorrow, grief and pain' I am actively striving to follow every commandment implicitly.
They call it the "pride cycle." The Book of Mormon shows us this cycle over and over. Now I am going to make sure that I am consistently humbling myself. I keep praying that the Lord will strengthen me in the trials I know will come again. I acknowledge that I am nothing without His saving grace. I realize that as soon as I let my pride take over and I start envisioning myself as "strong," I am really becoming weak.
Christ has said the first will be last and the last will be first. The sad thing is I ALWAYS want to be first in absolutely everything. My number one goal this month is to work on detaching myself from winning and having to be right. Please keep me in your prayers, I am going to need it!

Importance of Conversion (Part One)

March 14, 2011

Today marks the 40th consecutive day of Operation Success. I will be starting 2 more actions tomorrow, bringing the total to nine. I can't believe the amount of change and improvement I have experienced in such a short amount of time. I can't even begin to fathom the results eight years of consistent action will produce. I have already experienced more benefits than I can count.

The past couple of days I have been focusing on inviting the Holy ghost into my day on a constant basis. As a result, I have been doing a lot of soul searching and reflecting back into my past. My understanding has been enlarged and I would like to share some of the "revelations" I have had about myself.

The first thing I realized is that I have never really focused on maintaining my testimony. There have been numerous times when I was "on fire," in regards to my zeal with the gospel. Yet, I seemed to keep forgetting to nurture that conviction and testimony Inevitably, something would throw a wrench in my spokes and I would be thrown into the dirt. I would, then, pick myself up, covered with filth, scratched and banged up. I would dust myself off and once the wounds were healed, set off again at full speed. I would make it only a short way down the road before I would crash again.

I can count four times in my life when this has happened. Each time started with me feeling so strong in the gospel. I would have told you that there was nothing that would be able to stop me. I was SO connected to the Lord. I can't even adequately express the amount of blessings which were poured upon each time I was "on fire." Each time started with me feeling as I do now...unstoppable.

Obviously, since I am now sitting in prison for the next eight years, and I have left a wake of destruction in my path, I wasn't really unstoppable.

Why did I fall each time? How can I prevent it from happening again? I realized that the testimony we have today may not be the testimony we have tomorrow. I failed to understand that it is something we must constantly seek to build up so that we may STAY converted.

I was caught up in all the amazing things that would happen in my life every time I was "re-converted." I then let my guard down and would ride out the amazing wave of joy my conversion created. when the wave played itself out, I found myself beached and the tests would resume and I would fall. You think I would have learned my lesson. I did get smart and I tried new things; but, in the end, I found myself left in the dark when my lamp ran out of oil.

My Testimony

I absolutely love reading the scriptures. How else are we supposed to find out what we need to be doing to ensure Eternal Salvation. The scriptures are our instruction manual to heaven.
I would like to use this entry to bear my testimony to all readers and my family.
I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that Jesus Christ died so that we could live with out Father in heaven again.
I know that our Eternal Father loves us and everything that happens to us in this life is for our good. there is nothing that God cannot do for us, if we would just have the faith in Him and the courage to ask. God is a god of miracles. I know He continues to bless those that truly believe in Christ's admonition to "Ask, and ye shall receive" with miracles constantly.
I believe in the power of prayer. I know that whatever I ask the Lord, He will give me an answer, one way or another.
I know that the Book of Mormon is the word of God. I know, personally, that Joseph Smith was called by God to restore His church.
I know that even this very moment God is aware of me and knows my every need. I believe that it is His desire that we are happy. I am so grateful for His endless wisdom and for His endless mercy. I am so grateful that He sent His Beloved Son to suffer and die for my sins, so that I may be able to return to my Heavenly Father and be with my eternal family.
I am so grateful for my mother. She is truly an angel sent to keep me on the right path. I am grateful for her testimony and all that she has sacrificed for me.
I know that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is the true church of God. I have always known this, even though I did not always obey. I never have and never will be able to deny that this church is true and that a prophet of God leads it.
I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ.

New Focus - 2 Corinthians 13:5-7

March 11, 2011

Hello again!

I wanted to start this entry with a prayer for all of those families in Japan that have lost a loved one in the tragic earthquake and resulting tsunami. My prayers go out to them.

A lot has happened since my last entry. Three days ago marked week six for Operation Success. I am still going strong and here in a few days I am going to be grading and revamping it.

Since I started this journal, I have made an effort to try and keep it as general as possible. I didn't not want to push away any readers because they might not agree with my spiritual beliefs. My core design for this journal is that others may learn from my experiences through my entries. I also desire to leave behind something that my beautiful son may be able to draw strength from, when he is older.

Having said that, I am going to shift the focus of this journal. I desire to share the spiritual truths I am learning in this, my journal of self-discovery. Every day that I study the scriptures I find new and exciting truths are revealed to me.

Now I would like to share with you the scripture I was led to today:
2 Corinthians 13:5-7. ( New Kings James version)

It says to examine ourselves as to whether we are in the faith. To test ourselves.

5. Examine yourselves as to whether you are in the faith. Test yourselves. Do you not know yourselves, that Jesus Christ is in you?—unless indeed you are disqualified. 6. But I trust that you will know that we are not disqualified.
7. Now I pray to God that you do no evil, not that we should appear approved, but that you should do what is honorable, though we may seem disqualified.

When I first read verse 5, I was really struck by the admonition to "test yourselves." At first, I thought, "Does that mean to put ourselves in a dangerous position and see if we choose the right?" Obviously, that is cleared up in verse 7. So, I started thinking about how we would test yourselves.

I am going to create such a test. Questions like:

Do you read your scriptures everyday?
Do you pray daily?
Do you pray everyday with your spouse?
Do you attend all three hours of church whenever possible?
Do you complete your visiting/home teaching assignments every month?
Do you keep ALL your language clean (no swearing) at all times?
Do you pay an honest tithe?
Do you make regular visits to the temple, if you are able to attend?
Are you actively involved in missionary work?
Have you talked about the church with a non-member in the last six months?
At least once a month, do you read/watch a talk from the last conference?

This list COULD go on and on.

Now, when I was thinking about taking such a test, I thought it would probably be very depressing to take it. Especially when most of us are going to be answering no to a lot of these "faith-proving" questions. So does that mean we are disqualified? Verse 7 clears that up as well.
We are not to appear qualified, but that we should strive to do what we know is right, to the best of OUR abilities., always remembering that we are lacking and in need of help.

By taking this test, it really brings into focus the things we need to be working on, as well as the fact that we absolutely need Jesus Christ to make up the rest for us. According to the test, we are lacking or "disqualified" According to our answers, we are NOT in the faith.

He is trying to tell us that no matter how weak we are, or how little we may be able to do, we will never be disqualified as long as Jesus Christ is in us. In verse 7, he is also telling us that we shouldn't be focusing on doing absolutely everything on that test so that we would "appear" approved. We need to focus on doing what is "honorable" or rather, what we know is right even though we know that we are lacking in so many areas.

Do we not think ourselves unworthy and therefore give ourselves an excuse NOT to act? Have you ever held back your testimony at Fast Sunday because you didn't "feel" worthy or "in the mood"? Have you ever not spoken up for something you know is right because you, yourself, have many weaknesses in other areas?

We need to except our weaknesses and rely on Jesus. We need to be focusing on doing what we know is right, even if we don't feel worthy enough to do so.

Family Support and Goals

March 2, 2011

Today I received a letter from both my mom and one of my sisters. It always makes my when I get mail. It was so good hearing from my mom. She is such an angel. I had not heard from her since she came to visit a couple of weeks ago. She is such an amazing support for me. I don't know what I would do without her. I love you, mom.

My sister is going to be visiting me again this Saturday. I can't wait to see her again. Just spending those few hours with her make this time go by so much easier. I feel badly for the people here who don't get anybody to visit them.

There is a guy in my pod who not only doesn't get any visits, but doesn't even get any mail from his family. When he first told me this, I assumed that his family must live out of state. I was wrong. They all live locally.

I am currently in the process of revamping Operation Success, prepping for round two. I am going to add a couple more actions to the core ones. The key for me is not to bite off too much at a time. For me, it is crucial not to get overwhelmed. I am excited about adding to and improving my habits even more. I believe there is no limit to the ends I can achieve through this program.

Today was an all around amazing day and I just want to acknowledge that without the Savior, none of this would be possible. It is His strength that uplifts and sustains me. I am nothing without Him.

Day 27 of Operation Success

March 2, 2011

Today marks the completion of Operation Success. Yesterday was day 27. That does not mean it's over, just that the first five actions are now officially habits and now work to serve me. I can definitely feel the difference! My self-discipline, motivation, self-esteem, knowledge, skills, and desire to succeed have dramatically improved.

I am so thankful for our inherent ability to change, grow and overcome. I am especially thankful for our Savior's Atonement. His eternal sacrifice is what enables us all to overcome our mistakes and faults, to have a second chance at success.

I feel so richly blessed. So humbled that the Lord has seen fit to redeem me from the pits of despair. The path back is not easy. It was/is actually very painful, but oh, so worth it! If you would have told me three months ago that I would be where I am now, I would not have imagined it possible. Hopefully, not all of us have to travel through so much pain and sorrow as I created for myself. Just the changes I feel, that have been created inside me, in the past 27 days defy my wildest expectations.

The power to change is within us all.

Summary of My Operation Success Actions

February 26, 2011

All five actions could be completed in 25-30 minutes, if you feel you are in a rush. You CAN break up those actions over the course of the day. There is really no excuse why this is not do-able for everyone. We always have time to do the things we WANT to do. If we didn't want to do them, we wouldn't...think about it. We choose HOW we spend our time, regardless of how many excuses we try and make for ourselves. As painful as this thought is, it is true. We choose each and every one of our actions.

I believe that power is action and it's time to start showing off some of your endless power by taking some positive actions. remember it is the consistency that counts. It's not how MUCH you can do, but how long you can KEEP DOING IT !! If you find yourself getting stressed out, take a deep breath, relax and remember to keep it simple. This is an endurance race, not a sprint.

#5 Review Goal Chart

February 26, 2011

Last but not least is the goal chart. This action is absolutely crucial. this action has completely empowered me. Goals are our life's map to wherever we want to end up. If we don't have clear goal that we are reviewing every single day, we forget and lose focus.

It's like deciding you wanted to go on a cross-country road trip from Los Angeles to New York. It seems like a good idea and you get very excited about how amazing it would be to get to New York. You imagine the sights and sounds. You hop in your car and take off! Unfortunately, you don't have a map to New York in the car. You know vaguely where it is - you've seen a map. You know it's on the east coast, so you head off, going east.

Now, though trial and error, it IS possible that you will eventually wind up in New York. who knows how many wrong turns you would have taken on the highway. How much time was lost wandering around the countryside, searching for "the city that never sleeps"? More than likely, you would have given up and declared the trip pointless, after the first couple of times that you found yourself on the wrong road, in the wrong place.

Going through life without goals is just like driving across country without a map. You are always going somewhere; you just don't exactly where or how long it is going to take. Most people say, "I have goals!" When in actuality, only 10% of people have written goals. Until a goal is written down, it is just a dream. It is also critical that we are constantly thinking about our goals, to ensure that we are consistently working TOWARDS them.

I knew that by setting this action into a HABIT it would guarantee my goals would eventually become a reality. Every day I review them. I didn't want to be overwhelmed at first, so I only did a one month goal chart. Keeping it simple in the beginning was very important to me. It is easy to get overwhelmed when you are working against old habits, trying to create new ones.

Around the second week, I added a daily check list to this action. I noticed that my one month goal chart was less than half way finished. Just looking at the goal wasn't enough to get me into action.

The checklist enabled me to put a better time line on my monthly goals. At first I got a little overwhelmed because I felt too pressured to complete everything on my check list. I ALWAYS put way too many things on a daily to-do list. The nice thing is that the action states SPECIFICALLY "review" goal chart/checklist. This is a life saver because if i start to feel stressed out, I remind myself that even if I don't accomplish anything on my checklist, it's okay. The only thing I have to do is review them! So I get to take a deep breath and remind myself of the timeline involved with change and all the progress I have had so far.

#4 Write Something!

February 26, 2011

I wanted to make sure that I didn't allow myself to grow detached from others. Spending most of your time locked up and away from the "real world" can have some pretty adverse effects on a person. Making sure I was always taking the time to write to my family was extremely important to me. I don't want to waste my time in here and one of my goals is to have a better relationship with my family. what better way to get to know them better than to write back and forth. I also LOVE getting mail and I figure that the more letters I write, the more I will receive.

I am thankful that I included this action because I can see an improvement in my desire to write. I tend to have a habit of withdrawing from people when I am under stress or having a "down" moment. Expressing myself comes a lot easier now and I feel more comfortable sharing my emotions, even if they are in turmoil.

Imagine if you took a little time every single day to write to someone you knew, even if it was just a little note. Over time you would have a much better relationship with them. You would know them better and they would feel a little bit of your love every time they heard from you. Letter equal time and time equals love.

If I had access to email, this action would be so effortless. It takes just a minute to whip up a little email note just letting the other person know you are thinking about them. And - emails are free!! There should be no excuses why you can't reach out and say "hi" once a day.

On those days that you absolutely don't feel like talking to anyone, these is always your journal. Even if it is only a short paragraph, it counts. It's not about how much you write, it's about conditioning your mind into developing a habit of communication. Once it becomes a habit, it does the work for you!

#3 Breathing Mediatation

February 26, 2011

I have not really talked about this action very much. It is one of my favorites because it does not take very much time to do and I can do it whenever I want.

A lot of people are unaware how important and powerful proper breathing techniques are to their bodies. All of our bodies have a sort of "sewer system." It's called the lymph system. The lymph system's job is to pull toxins and pollutants from all over your body so they can be purged from your body altogether. Certain breathing techniques can activate the lymph system and keep your body naturally health and clean.

It sounds silly, but when I first got here I got sick three times in about a month. Each time lasted a couple of days, once up to a week. Before I got here I probably got sick once or twice a year. since I have started developing this habit, I have not been sick once. Even after changing facilities, which would have exposed me to a whole new "community" of germs. In fact it has worked so well that i am considering increasing this action from once a day to twice a day.

The proper way to breathe and activate your lymph system is described on Tony Robbins' web page.

It is important to fill your lungs to their full capacity when you inhale. Breath as deeply as possible without causing yourself any pain. You need to inhale through your nose and exhale through your mouth. Make sure you exhale completely. You want to get all the old air out before inhaling a new breath.

You will find that your lung capacity will increase the more you perform this action. I promise you that in time you will notice results in your health by simply taking a couple of minutes to aid your body in taking care of itself.

#2 Daily Prayer - Morning and Night

February 26, 2011

This habit is also very important. when I first wrote this action, I wanted to make sure I was praying both in the morning and evening. Originally it read "Daily Prayer." I knew that if I did not get specific about what I wanted to accomplish, somehow I would find an excuse to be lazy and skip a prayer or two. Writing "morning and night" WITH the action ensured I would have no loopholes.

The benefits this actions has given me are numerous as well. I feel a dramatic increase in the desire to pray. I feel more comfortable praying. there is a strong peace that comes over me when I pray now. I have been able to receive answers like I did in the past.

I have been thinking how I can improve on this habit and I have been considering doing a prayer list. I'm not sure, yet, what form it will take, but I want to have something that will help me focus on what I want and who needs help. I am still trying to work out the details.

#1 Study the Gospel and Christ's Life

February 26, 2011

To me this is, by far, the most critical habit to have. When I wrote this action, I wanted it to be more than just reading a chapter or two of scripture. More than just reading a talk or doing a scripture study guide. I wanted to make sure I was focusing on the end result I was trying to achieve by developing this habit. That end result was to better know my Savior. We only get answers as specific as the questions we ask. I made sure that there was the distinction to also study Christ's life.

This involves two actions for me. I either do a chapter in one of my study guides, read a conference talk from the Ensign or read a couple of chapters from the scriptures (of my own choice). then I read a chapter from Jesus, the Christ, by James Talmadge.

Once I complete both of those actions, I can cross it off my list. It was important for me to have some flexibility, especially when I first started the program. If I wasn't feeling super-spiritual and I didn't want to take the time to do a lesson from the study guides, I could always just read a conference talk. the whole thing only takes about 10-15 minutes.

The results I have felt by doing this consistently the past 25 days are nothing short of amazing. I have had some amazing spiritual experiences. I have had a missionary moment. I have felt the spirit stronger at church. I have become more involved in the lessons at church. the frequency that the Savior enters my thoughts throughout the day has drastically increased. I believe that is mainly due to the fact that I am making a daily consistent effort to focus on His life.

I could go on and on about the benefits of this habit. It is absolutely critical that we read from the instruction books of Eternal Life. Try it.

Explaining My Five Goals in Operation Success

February 26, 2011

I am still going strong in Operation Success. Currently I am on Day 25! Truly my commitment to success has enabled me to reach the current state of happiness I am now enjoying. In fact, others are now asking me about it because they can actually see the change in my countenance.

It is my goal to challenge my family to start their own Operation success. I believe success is the ongoing process of striving to become more. It is critical that on a daily basis we stand guard at the door of our mind. If we don't focus in life on what we want, then we will get whatever happens to come our way. Unfortunately, it is usually exactly what we have been spending so much effort trying to avoid.

I wanted to go over the five actions I focused on when I started Operation Success. Hopefully, this might give you a better insight on how these habits serve me now.

Thank You!

February 26, 2011

I want to thank anybody and every body who has taken the time to read my journal up to this point. I know time is valuable. I am grateful if you have invested some yours in me. It is my prayer that each of you will be able to take away something that you can use and apply in your own lives. Things that might help you avoid some of the mistakes I have made in my life. They say a smart man learns from his mistakes, but a wise man learns from the mistakes of others.

Blessings Pouring Upon My Head

February 26, 2011

Today was another amazing day. My sister came to visit me and we has a wonderful time playing rummy cube while we talked. I have missed her so much. I can't believe it has only been about two weeks since we last visited. It was absolutely invigorating to share the spirit with her. You would not believe how much it means to inmates to have some contact with the "real' world. Especially when it is your loved ones offering their unconditional love and support. It makes the time that much more manageable.

I finally had the opportunity to share my dream with someone in person. It was such a relief to be able to communicate what I experienced with more than just the written word! Also, since my last entry about the dream I had, I have received more "answers" concerning the meaning of certain things. I was able to share that most precious experience with my beloved sister. Being able to share it with her and get her reaction, firsthand, really hit something home for me. It is next to impossible for someone else to truly grasp what I experienced. I wish I could just express what that emotion felt like so they could understand, or even have an idea what I am talking about.

It is like finding a treasure that is beautiful beyond all description. A treasure that is the most beautiful thing you have ever seen, more beautiful than anything you ever imagined. The only problem is that this treasure is only visible to you; to all else it is invisible, no matter how well you try to explain the glorious beauty you see. Unless they can behold the treasure for themselves, they can never comprehend it.

I feel so blessed! I am filled with such joy and love. I am so excited for the future. My life is being bombarded with blessings of such magnitude that I can only shake my head in awe at the endless mercy of our God has for His children. I feel that I am the most undeserving of His blessings.

Blessed is not even a strong enough word. I feel like the floodgates of heaven have opened and blessings are falling upon me in a gushing torrent of love. Me. Here.

Battling My Temper

February 23, 2011
The biggest trigger I am trying to wrestle down right now is my temper. It seems like some of the smallest things will just set me off. Here I am, having a fantastic morning. I have reviewed my to-do list for the day and I am mentally planning out my perfect day. Everything is going great. No negative thoughts. A few stray one try and creep in there, but I catch them quickly and shoo them off. Then something happens, so quickly that I am not able to catch it before it sets off my temper. there go my thoughts racing away. They are only doing what I have conditioned them to do.
Before, I was really prideful and I thought people OWNED me respect. OK, who are we kidding. I am still really prideful, but I am trying to fix that.

The more time a person spends paying attention to exactly what is going on up there in his head, in my case, the more you see things that you really don't like. I recognized things that I know have caused tremendous pain in my life. When I realized that it is within my grasp to change my thinking completely, I was infused with such a powerful sense of confidence and hope.
Confidence that I could gain control of my life and the hope that with my thoughts I could create anything I want in my life. Christ said, " As a man thinketh, so is he." Thoughts, like anything else we do, turn into habits. When we decide we want to change, we need to make sure we are aware of the timetable involved. It takes 27 days to make a habits, good OR bad.

The results I am getting from Operation Success have infused me with the confidence I am going to need to tackle my thoughts. I believe I can do this. I know I can do this. My ultimate goal is to condition my mind to be 100% of any and all types of negativity. To be 100% free of judgment. I believe it is possible and I know, in time, I will achieve this. If I can do this while locked away in prison for the next 8 years then none of you have any excuses.
Monday is going to be the first day of Opertion Success for a friend of mine in my pod. I am really excited about sharing this with others. He is excited to give it a shot. Really, what does he have to loose?
I am so grateful for all my blessings and all the gifts the Lord has bestowed upon me. this life is but a moment and the only things we take with us are our relationships and knowledge gained. Let's not waste another day.

The Power of Thought

All we really own is our thoughts. Everything we ARE, up to this point, is the result of our thoughts. Our future is going to be decided by our thoughts. Every action we ever made was a thought first. i know I often "act without thinking," so to speak; but in reality, that action was a habitual response to the thoughts that had turned it into a powerful habit. Wow, huh?

The key is to harness our thoughts, of course, and then drive in the direction we want to go. It's amazing how many habitual thought patterns we have. You don't really notice them until you become aware of what you are thinking. Some outside trigger sets off your habitual thinking patterns, and you realize that your thoughts just take off on their own. Sometimes they are called "old tapes." One thing happens, and they get set off, dragging you along.

Give Everything, Expect Nothing

Feb 23, 2011

The past week has been amazing. So many wonderful events packed into one week! I got to see my mother and sister. I made some mental breakthroughs and I had an amazing dream. Most of my prayers were answered in a way I thought had been lost to me.

Today marks the end of week 3 of Operation Success and I feel absolutely amazing! It's funny how its always around the third week that you can really start feeling the results of change. I feel so mentally healthy. everything is just coming together for me. It's been SO long since I have felt this mentally fit. the last time I can remember feeling like this is right before I met my son's mother. Back then I was 100 % positive and I had massive amounts of self-discipline.

My mentality back then was something I had been working on for a couple of years. I called it "Give everything, Expect nothing." I know that sounds odd, but it really produced results.

The idea was that when it came to my relationships with people, I was going to give them everything I had, expecting nothing in return. If you expect noting for your efforts, you can't be let down or disappointed! I did the things I did for people because I felt good serving them. I did the things that made me happy. the amazing thing is that when you truly give someone something and REALLY expect nothing in return (no ulterior motives); they always give back more than you could possibly imagine.

I have begun to understand a little more about why I had such tremendous success with that belief system. It all comes down to gratitude and positive thoughts without judgement.

Additions to Operation Success

Feb 19, 2011

I came up with some additional actions for my list and improved the existing one. I added:

#6 - Work out every afternoon recreation period
#7 - Practice speed reading for 30 minutes

I also added a checklist to #5 - Review goal chart/checklist

My Dream Interpretation

Feb 19, 2011

The day after I had the dream, I knew the only way I was going to know what he was trying to tell me was to pray and ask. I have always been blessed with the Lord answering my prayers in a very direct way. That was when I was living a life completely worthy of getting His answers.

I was nervous about praying this time because I didn't feel worthy the way I had before. I did know that I have been working on walking the right path. I had made efforts to do everything that would make me worthy again. I knew it was a righteous desire. I also figured that the Lord wouldn't have given me the dream if He didn't want me to know what He was trying to tell me.

I knew that god has the power to do anything He wants. If we believe He can, then He will. So I prayed.

The answers came so quickly that I was surprised and greatly humbled. They came strong and sure, exactly as they have been before. I was overjoyed in the fact that I was having a conversation with my Father in Heaven once again, just like I had experienced before. His answers were for me and special to me, but I will share with those whom ask.

The Dream

Feb 19, 2011

Two days ago I had a very unusual dream. Only one other time in my life have I had a dream like this before. In this dream I was in a dark house searching for my son's mother. It was a two-story house and I knew that she lived downstairs. For some reason, there was only one way downstairs and somehow I also knew that this dark house had been designed for that purpose. I had the strangest feeling that I needed to find her.

I knew some time had passed while I was contemplating this house. I then was aware that she had just moved into a bedroom upstairs, in the hallway that led to the only entrance downstairs. That entrance had been inaccessible to me before. I immediately set off to go to her room. The door I thought should be hers was locked. I looked one door to the left and to my surprise, she was standing there in the doorway. I was surprised because I didn't expect her to know I was coming. I had the distinct feeling that she had been waiting for me.

I rush into the room and embrace her. I remember that I kept hugging her and this emotion I can't describe washed over me. This emotion was so consuming and overpowering. I have never felt an emotion like this before. When it hit me, I looked up to tell her something - and I woke up gasping!!

The emotion was still coursing through me. When I realized where I was, I was devastated. The pain was tremendous. I was dumbfounded at what I had just experienced. It was so real but even more than that was HOW it felt. Words can't describe the feelings I had. It was unfathomable. such a profound feeling that was stronger than any drug, stronger than any positive emotion I had ever felt.

The next day, as I pondered my dream, I began to realize that it was a message from God. There was only one other time I had dreamt that vividly; that had been a message to me at that time, too.

My mother often tells me that she has dreams about me. The funny thing is that when she contacts me and asks about what she saw in her dreams, she is always right. I know God can talk to us through our dreams. I just have not had much experience with it before. I am grateful that He is always aware of us and is willing to talk to us in whatever ways we understand.

The Second Visit

February 19, 2011


This week has gone well. It's had its ups and downs, as normal, but I am finding that continuing to work on Operation Success, I am able to focus on the positive more readily.

The second visit with my mom and sister went great. We were able to enjoy each others company and share our love with each other with understanding. I made sure to do my best and focus on making sure my mom felt special. We all played Rummy Cube together. My sister and I are very competitive. My mom just enjoys playing games and spending time with us. We were each able to win a game.

I know I still have a long way to go when it comes to my prideful nature. Sometimes it is so hard for me to let some of the smallest things go. If I think I am right about something, I am willing to start a war over it. It's foolish most of the time, especially considering the target of my argument is of little significance to begin with.

When my temper dies down, I look back puzzled because I realize how foolish it was to make an issue of something so small. I do this a lot when I play games. I guess I always feel that I need to be correct in my logic. I feel sorry for anyone who wishes to try and prove me wrong. I hang on tenaciously to my ideals. I guess that could be a good thing when it comes to things that are spiritual in nature. I just wish I was not so quick to react sometimes. That is the ADHD in me.

After the visit, the week went by pretty quickly. the only thing that set me back a bit was not getting any mail this whole week. I have only gotten two letters in the last three weeks. I better start writing more letters.

My First Visit

February 13, 2011

Yesterday I had my first visit. My mother and sister brought my new niece with them to see me. It was so nice seeing them and at the same time it was extremely difficult juggling all the different emotions that were rushing through me.
It broke my heart to see my Mom. To look into her eyes and see all the pain that was there. Knowing it was my foolish actions that that have brought more pain and stress into her life.
The visit was going great until I over-reacted to some news that my mother had given away some of my possessions to my son's mother. I proceeded to get upset and it brought my mother to tears.
How foolish and self absorbed I was acting. After talking it out and trying to remove my foot from my mouth; I, of course, realized she had made the correct decision - as always. My son needed clothes and since I was no longer able to support them, they were in desperate straits.
Before I got arrested, I had a sales job that not only paid me ridiculous amounts of money, but also enabled me to spend my time as I desired. And it was totally legal. Unfortunately, the wealth went completely to my head. I started putting a lot of value on material things. I am completely irresponsible with money. My family always had limited income and after my parent's divorce, we were truly poor. It wasn't a good combination for handling the enormous amounts of money I was earning.
When I was arrested and taken into custody, I lost a lot of my belongings and somewhere deep inside I was still tenuously clinging on to what little I had left.
I wish I had kept my mouth shut but as usual my mouth goes faster than my brain. I was upset and it felt like I had just lost something extremely important. After I had mended things the best I could, or rather after my sister helped put things into prospective, we were able to enjoy the rest of our visit. After they left, I went back to my dorm. I felt devastated. I was angry and disappointed in myself.

I had not seen or spoken to my sister in over three months. My mom, longer. My mom doesn't even live in the same state as where I am now. She had spent a lot of time traveling to see me. to see her hurt like that broke my heart.

It caused me to do a lot of soul searching to find the root of my behavior. I wanted to pull out whatever had caused the problem. I did not realize, before, how much value I was STILL placing on wealth and material things.

My life as I had known it ended when I was arrested. I knew I was being given a second chance at life. it was a message to me that I needed to give up the world and my worldly desires and embrace the Lord completely. My life now belonged to Him. I know it always has belonged to God but by my actions I was serving a different master. Now I know that God was letting me know that there was still a little bit I needed to give up. I needed to stop placing my self-worth in things ans start placing it in service and my family. Ninety-eight percent is not enough. It has to be everything. Your whole entire heart needs to be committed to God and completely detached from things of this world.

I know that at one time in my life I completely understood the feelings of surrendering everything to God. I can't believe I have since forgotten how it feels. Scary and satisfying at the same time. There is a different level of peace and comfort that comes after the anxiety of that leap of faith. I am thankful for the lesson. i just wish it didn't have to come at my mother's expense.

I am hoping that they will be able to visit me again Monday. I am going to do everything I can to make sure my mother knows she is loved and appreciated. It will be her day, not mine. I just want to hold her hand and let her tell me about everything her little heart desires. I am going to encourage her to express all she has been bottling up in anticipation of seeing me.

Yesterday I could tell she was just so anxious to share and relate with me and I didn't take the time or effort to acknowledge everything she was trying to share. (We are all ADD/ADHD, so it is always a race to see who can talk first! Lol!)

Tomorrow will be her day. She will know I value her words because I an going to listen. I am going to ask questions about what she is talking about so that she knows I am listening. I am going to always look into her eyes when she is talking to me so she can see the love I have for her. I am not going to talk about myself because these visits are not for me. I am going to hold her hand and tell her I love her. Not just with words, but most importantly, with my actions.

Father, Fast Reading and Family

February 9, 2011
Today I got a letter from my father. we haven't talked in over 15 years. In fact, I have little to no memory of him from my childhood. It's like I grew up basically without a father. I decided since I have so much time on my hands, I should use some of it to get to know him.

It was pretty strange reading a letter from a man I know nothing about, but who is my father. It was short and he offered his support to me. I am looking forward to finding out if we have anything in common.

Today was also the first day of a 7-day speed-reading program I started. The results blew me away. Today I read two books (about 600 pages together) in about an hour and a half! Everyone I have talking to about this is amazed at the amount of pages I read, but assumes that I must have comprehended very little of what I read. The TRULY amazing part of it was that I was able to comprehend just about EVERY thing in the second book and most of the first book!

I am so excited about my new found speed-reading ability. I'm practically bouncing off the walls. Usually when I am really excited about something I get really animated when I talk about it. People usually just kind of look at me like I am crazy. I am extremely enthusiastic when it comes to self-improvement. I just can't ever get enough of it and I have a burning desire to share all of my successes with everyone else. I figure, if it brings that much joy and helps to improve the quality of my life, then it should do the same for others, right? I mean - how awesome is it to be able to speed-read!

My mind is reeling with all the potential knowledge I can cram into my head in a tenth of the normal reading time. I am ADHD and for some reason, I seem to get way more out of reading using these new techniques than I did reading the old way. The trick I am learning is how to read down the center of the page, instead of reading from right to left.

You can bet that I am going to be telling everyone about this. How many people do you think I can get to take this 7-day program? I will update my progress. I already have one guy super excited about it, too.

I am still going strong on Operation Success. I believe this is day 6. Only 22 more days until they officially become habits. Remembering to accomplish all of them is becoming easier and I am loving not only all the writing I am doing, but also all the spiritual growth I have been experiencing. By staying consistent to not only the daily scripture study, but also taking the time each day to specifically study Jesus Christ.

Church is allowed to be held on Wednesdays in here. I am noticed that I could feel the Spirit stronger and I felt more like I had a direction in my spiritual path of progress.

Another thing that is making a difference is the breathing techniques and meditation I am doing. I have not talked about this much. I read about a way you can control your breathing to activate the body's lymph system in one of Tony Robbins' books. The lymphatic system works with the circulation system and immune system. It's basically a waste transportation system. By breathing a certain way, you can "jump start" it, in a way.

Being locked up, my concern with my health and the desire to preserve my body has increased dramatically - as I am sure you can imagine. Being around some many people, constantly in a closed environment, is pretty much a breeding ground for disease. The last thing you want is to get really sick in prison.

Tony Robbins said if you do this breathing exercise two times a day, once in the morning and once at night, you will be supercharging your immune system. It helps your body accelerate its process of purging toxins.

The key is 1-4-2.

Breath in for 1 count
Hold for 4 counts
Breath out for 2 counts

For example – if you were to breath in for four seconds, then you would hold your breath for sixteen seconds and then breath out for eight. You wold want to do this about 10 times.

I have had a few people try this exercise and they have gotten sick right away. this is because their body's waste system is being charged up and starting. There are a lot of toxins in our bodies and they need to be eliminated. Staying consistent and developing this into a habit will be one of my core strategies to maintaining my health.

I knew I should obviously include daily exercise, but lately I have just been lazy when it comes to that. today I finally was able to get my "real" shoes. I am going to run a couple of laps this weekend, if my visit does not go through.

In prison, the issue you these really crappy deck shoes that last about three months. they have no support in them and are very painful to walk in and next to impossible to run with. I was told that during the summer months, they melt.

We have a Commissary in prison where you can purchase additional, prison approved items if you have money on the "books." Now that I have some real shoes, I am more motivated to get out there and start building up my cardio. the only thing that would prevent me from running this Saturday is if I get a visit from my family in the morning. It will be my first visit ever since I have been here. I am so excited to talk to someone who is not a felon.

My whole family is visiting near by these first two weeks of February. All of my sisters had babies in the last five months of 2010. I am sure they are having a blast together. I think it is a blessing that they had them so close together.

It goes without saying that my family is my lifeline. I'm ashamed to admit I completely took them for granted before I self-destructed my life. we were always close, at least we were what I THOUGHT was close, at the time. Now that I am in prison, we have become closer than I ever dreamed possible. I had no idea I was so loved and cherished by my family. It was unfortunate that it took something like this to facilitate it, but I am so grateful that we are close now. This life is but the blink of an eye and the only thing we are taking with us, when we leave it, is our relationships.

Make sure you take the time to tell your family that you love them. Love equals time. Write an email. Make a phone call. talk only about them. I am terrible about constantly talking about myself. People love to talk about themselves, so give them the blessing of asking them questions so they can do just that. I promise you, it will make their day. They might even be curious as to why you are suddenly so interested in them!

I want to end this day with a prayer in my heart that we can all take a moment this week and express our thanks to our loved ones, by giving them the one thing they want most...our attention.

Super Bowl Sunday

Feb 2, 2011

Watching the game had me thinking of my family. I wonder if they all watched it together. I'm not sure they are all still in state here, visiting each other. I have not heard from anyone all week. I hope that they had a good Sunday.

As always, I wonder what my son did today. I wonder if he watched the game. I hope he likes football. It always crushes my heart when I think about all his "firsts" that I am going to miss while I am in here. It is definitely the most painful agony I have ever experienced - being away from my son. I hope I can channel those emotions into a positive outlet and be the most supportive father I can in here.

I am grateful that all of my sisters have recently been blessed with children. I feel that maybe they can better relate to what I am going through.

I am looking forward to this week and seeing how my new habits will be developing. So far, I am still on track and I hope to continue to go strong. I already feel a little more confident in exercising my self-discipline, even, though it's only been a couple of days. It's amazing how we always get 10X out of life what we put in. I am truly grateful for the law of the harvest. You always know your efforts are not going to waste.